Rare Opportunity to Speak Directly with a Husband in MLC

0:00 Foreign. Hello there and welcome to our show today, Midlife crisis, bomb drop and beyond. I'm going to start with a little background on what we call midlife crisis. We're going to refer to it often as mlc, which stands for midlife crisis. You're going to hear about the midlife spouse and then you'll also hear about the left behind spouse known as the LBs. You'll hear words like bomb drop and tunnel.

0:41 And I'll give you a little background on those too. Midlife crisis is often dismissed as a cliche, but the reality is actually far more serious. During this period of midlife crisis, the individual undergoing that experience, they have a profound psychological and emotional upheaval. It often leads them to make impulsive and self destructive decisions. Despite the clear signs of instability, MLC individuals are still currently allowed to like, file for divorce, sell their family homes, make irreversible financial and legal choices, often to the devastation of their long term spouses and families.

1:24 I'll tell you a little about bomb drop. The bomb drop that we're going to be talking about in almost every episode is actually the moment when a person, often the spouse, unexpectedly announces that they want a divorce, a major life change, or they suddenly adopt an entirely new personality. There's some symptoms of that, such as going from a loving spouse to all of a sudden committed to being cold, indifferent, cruel. They rewrite history. They can claim they've never been happy despite years of apparent contentment. And I mean even 20, 30, 40 years being happily married. And then all of a sudden you wake up one morning and they say, you know what honey, I, I haven't been happy for 40 years. So you can see where I'm going. It's a little, little disconcerting to the left behind spouse. And you know, you feel like you're, the rug's been pulled out from under you. There's horrendous discard you to be hearing about because it's just not like a normal breakup.

2:26 It's pretty different. Many bomb droppers become infatuated with a new partner. This is known as limerence. You'll hear that word every now and then as well. I already mentioned, they often file for divorce. Suddenly they liquidate assets. Let's see, for the spouse on the receiving end, it often feels like their world has exploded. Hence the term bomb drop. Many struggle to reconcile the sudden change as the MLC person appears almost unrecognizable. Some later regret their choices, but by then the damage is often extensive and irreparable. So thank you for joining us today because now you're going to hear from people from around the world as they tell their story from Bomb Drop and Beyond Limerence.

3:24 This is the obsessive fantasy driven infatuation with another person often mistaken for true love during a midlife crisis. The stories and events discussed in this podcast are based on our guest experiences and are intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. They should not be considered legal, medical or professional advice. Any names, locations or identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any similarities to actual persons, living or dead, or real events are purely coincidental. The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the host or the podcast creators.

4:04 Listeners should consult with a qualified professional regarding their own circumstances. Hello, dear listeners, today I have a really special guest for you. We are going to be speaking with John, who has been married for over 40. But John is the one that went through the midlife crisis. He's not a left behind spouse or a forward moving spouse. John is the one that experienced the crisis in his head. It started in 2017, it's lasted about eight years. He feels like he's starting to come through this and you're going to hear from him. He knew really right when it started and also when he started to come out of it. So we are going to be speaking with John. This is a really important guest for us to to meet with today to see the inside look at what it's like from their perspective. My midlife Crisis started in two late to I believe late 2017, somewhere around there. It was when I had retired a few years before, quote unquote retired. I didn't really retire.

5:17 I ran a farm. I sold my cows. I had surgery on my neck because I had vertebrae that were in very bad shape. I still kept my farm and I raised corn and hay. So I was still actively involved in a job. Just it wasn't as demanding. But I did lose self focus, I lost purpose a lot in doing that. And I think, I mean I didn't notice depression. I think I'd been depressed my whole life. I really do. The job I had, it was a job that I was expected to do. I knew I was going to do it when I was five years old.

6:00 So I think after I started and became a farmer it was, I mean I looked at it like this. There were a lot of nice things about it, but there were a lot of bad things about it too. So I the bad things or the good things outweighed the bad things. So Was it your, your family that had a farm and so you. My father's farm. And I was the only grandson. Gotcha. Okay. So that's how that. And I came here every. I came to my grandfather's farm every summer since I was five years old and spent two months here. So I think that contributed to it some. I didn't know. I was depressed and when I got out of it, I lost purpose of my life. My wife retired that year, which I didn't agree with the retirement.

6:50 She was a teacher. She could have worked another year. I felt she should have worked another year, built her retirement a little more. We just saved on insurance. There were a lot of issues with, with it, but I didn't, I didn't voice my opinion. It's her, her choice. It's not my choice. So she, she retired and then it went along. It was probably. I mean, I did things. I didn't have a great beard. I didn't have a great beard. Six months ago. Yeah, six months ago. And I, I always had people work for me and they were always like most of them were. I had a full time guy that worked for me and he was in his mid, he was in his 30s and we were like friends and that was probably a lot of it too. I was more adept to his, his age and.

7:46 But anyways, that I didn't, I didn't. I had an online emotional affair and. Can you tell us, can you tell us how it started? It started just as messaging online as a friendship. Was it somebody that you actually knew? No, it wasn't. Wow. Wait, did somebody just message you out of the blue? I can't remember how it actually started. If I think I messaged her and she messaged back. She lived about an hour away from my house. We.

8:27 We never met till last six. My timeline, because we've been set. My wife's been separated from me for four months. So we never met for. We met for the first time in August of this year and it had been going on for like three and a half years online. Yeah. And that's a lot of the issue with my wife. And it is like. It is an addiction. I will tell you. It's an addiction. Right. And the person that I was with was a lot younger than me. She was pretty smart in knowing how to control that addiction, if you know what I mean. There were times where we didn't speak for or message for two or three months. And of course it built the anticipation and that and the addiction. It built an addiction.

9:20 Do you know if she was married. She was not married when I met her. She had a boyfriend. They did have a baby. I mean, when my wife found out, she wanted a paternity test, and we never had physical contact. It. It was. It was a weird relationship. There was limerence, and that contributes to the addiction. And let me ask you, did you know, like, in 2017, did you even know the word limerence? Did you know that that's a thing? No, I didn't even know. Midlife crisis.

10:00 I didn't all knew for you. I'll tell you something. I joined the support group, the community, or the hero spouse community. The only reason I joined it is because I was on this marriage site and I told my story, and a lady said, there's a test you need to take. And I took the test. And she goes, how many of those things did you have? And I said, like, 80%. And she goes, you had a midlife crisis? And I said, what. What are you talking about? I didn't even know it till it was over. Right. And I. My rationale wasn't right. I didn't. I mean, I have a business partner. We buy and sell bankrupt properties.

10:47 I told him about it, and he couldn't believe it. He goes, and there's more to this story. I haven't told the whole thing. Thing. This girl, this summer, her and her boyfriend broke up, like, in April of last year. And it got more. She got more attached. And there was a house that she. She had worked for. The person cleaning the house. The person had died. Died in the house. The house came up for sale. It came up at a very reasonable price. She knew what I did, and she wanted to buy the house. And her mother actually called me and said, well, why don't we buy the house and flip it? And in the process, she decided she wanted the house. And I ended up owning the house with her, and I ended up owning it because when I wanted to stop, she threatened to. My wife's birthday is August.

11:51 She's threatened to come to the house, on my house, and expose us of what was going on. Wow. Yeah. And that actually was a good thing because that actually brought me to my senses, if. If that. That's a good term to use. I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I had extreme guilt. Extreme. Like me and my wife had started walking a mile every day on our property. We own a lot of property. And I had a hard time doing it with her. I. It was because you felt so guilty. It was agony. Yeah. And I was a little Different. A lot of men say. Apparently they say, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. That wasn't me. I wasn't.

12:42 I didn't have that mindset. I was in love with my wife the whole time. My. My thinking was, how could I feel this way about two different people? And it was. Was terrible. I mean, it. It. When the guilt started, it was. I mean, I knew from what started happening with the house that what I was doing was wrong, that my wife was the best person for me. She was. You know, how could I do this to somebody like that? It was very difficult. And I actually prayed for it to end, and it ended, but not. Not the way I wanted in that.

13:27 The consequences that I have to deal with. Wow. So really, you had that emotional affair for about three years with. Yes. And. And you didn't meet her for the first two or two and a half or three years, it sounds like. Yeah. And during that time, did you feel ever guilty about texting or calling? Not as much. It went through my mind. It went through my mind that what I was doing was wrong. It didn't stop me, though. Yeah. It wasn't enough guilt to stop me. The house was enough guilt to start the process, to stop it. I was still addicted, though, during that. Time, because that behavior of that woman, the house woman, that's sort of like. Sort of blackmail kind of thing. Oh, yeah. We're in a lawsuit right now. Really? Oh, my God. I went.

14:19 I went to the police, and the police said, if you hadn't closed on the house, we'd have arrested her. We closed on the house was the problem. I ended up signing a paper in the attorney's office that I wouldn't sue them. Yeah, that's. It's not a good thing. I mean, I tell people my story because hopefully someone can learn from it, but I'm pretty embarrassed. Well, we'll get to that. I mean, it's like a disease, and it sounds like, you know, you couldn't really control it. Disease. It's an addiction. It's different than taking drugs. Yeah, exactly. You know what? When I first, you know, started understanding how MLC works, I equated it to somebody that's like a heroin addict, you. Know, like, it almost.

15:12 There's a lot more that I've learned, and I've been on the site and commented some, and everybody wants to know why. And I thought, I know why, and they don't want to know. There's. There's. I talked to one guy called me up because I had just gotten on the site and I was telling about it, and I told a little bit about why. And he called me and he says, you don't want to say that on here. You'll be. You will. They. These women will tear you. Well, can you tell us why? We're not going to tear you apart. And we don't use names. You are not going to want to hear it. You know, marriage is two imperfect people trying to. And they are. Yeah. And what I did was wrong, and I know that. But there were a lot of reasons why. I've been in counsel. I'm in. I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow.

16:08 I've been in counseling every week. It's gone to two weeks now. I'm in Christian counseling. I'm in regular counseling. And I don't mean with a coach. I mean with. With a counselor from a hospital. So they're, you know, they're professional people. And I was very insecure. We. Me and my wife have been married 43 years. There is a pending divorce. We have had a hard marriage.

16:48 Yeah. And this was a long time ago. I know that. I know that she's very upset about being separated and the way our marriage is ending up if it ends up that way. I know that she basically said when she left, you ruined my life. And I feel the same way, too. But there. There is. There's. There's things on both sides that cause it. And really what people need to do when they. You can't. The problem is. And I've said this to people that have contacted me. I said, I wish I had a magic phrase that I could whisper in the person's ear that has this and they would come out of it.

17:35 Yep. I wish I did, but there isn't. And so you started to see yourself going in that direction of being addicted. Like. I didn't really. I knew it was. I didn't equate it to an addiction then, but it was. I couldn't control myself. I've made terrible decisions. Wait, what? The terrible decisions even outside of the relationship, sort of like just in general. Well, I couldn't. I'm very anal. And I. I pay a lot of bills.

18:18 I write my checks. I put a date on the envelope five days before they have to be five days before they're due. And they get mailed five days before they're due. And then three days after that, the money is transferred from my savings account to my checking account. So it draws interest. During that whole time, I got. So I was forgetting to Take the letters out and mail. Wow. So. So I hear this a lot, that people describe it as a brain fog. Did you feel that way that you're. You were just a little. But I knew looking back, I just thought, mine is different. I'm 66 years old. This started in the late 50s.

18:59 And I'll tell you, I know the day. Not the day, but I remember the day very distinctly that it started. I sat in a chair right over there, and all of a sudden I started thinking about dying. And it was like a panic attack. It felt like time and space was compressing, and it lasted for about an hour, and it would come and go, and I had it for, I don't know, six months or a year. And it did leave after a while, but I changed, too. I became a midlife crisis person. Wow. So that's sort of how it started. You started having that feeling of. Yeah, it was. It was an.

19:42 I have anxiety pretty bad. I always have. And it was worse than any anxiety that I've ever had. Like I said, it was like a panic attack. Wow. Did you actually. Did you talk about that with your wife or did you. I didn't talk to her. Go back. If I could advise somebody. I mean, I don't think anybody that is going through. Somebody going through that might listen to somebody and say, if they said, hey, you're having a problem. You're having a mental problem. It is a mental problem. It's mental. It's. It's. You're. You have a mental deficiency. It's. It's. I don't know why it's temporary, but it is a mental deficiency.

20:32 I don't want to say it's mental retardation, because it isn't like that, but it. It's. It's something your brain isn't. Right. Right. I know you want to know why I know it. And. And this is one of the things also that started more guilt is. I have a knee problem pretty bad, and a back problem because of what I've done my whole life. And I. I go to a specialist for it. And they said, why don't. There's a reservation near us. And they said, why don't you go to the reservation, buy some gummies and see if it helps you. I took a little piece of that gummy, and it made me terribly paranoid, so I didn't do it anymore. When it also took the midlife crisis away, I was. I knew what I was doing was terribly wrong. I felt guilty.

21:29 I felt. It was like. And that was late it was like a year ago, maybe not even a year ago, 10 months ago. But it affected my brain. So the chemical, whatever chemical is in marijuana affected the midlife crisis, Whatever the midlife crisis was doing to my brain. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah. Thank God it's temporary, you know. You know, I had mentioned something to a doctor and they, they said that they're, they can do blood test or hormone. It might have had something to do with hormones, you know, as people age. So I don't know. I guess they say. And that's the male menopause andropause that could be. Yeah, probably. I'm sure it probably is.

22:22 I don't, you know, I don't know. But I didn't know I had medlike crisis. I didn't even realize the severity. There could be a severity. Yeah, I don't think there's enough people don't. You know midlife crisis, you go and you get a tattoo like that, you go buy a car. Actually, I planned on getting that tattoo long before I got my midlife crisis. It just. Oh, okay. Yeah. So let me just. Let's see. Okay. So she was your limerant object, basically, that gal. Do you feel like she may have sought you out kind of thing after.

23:05 She found out more about me? I think she did. I mean, she, she. I'm trying to think how old she was. She was 22 or 23. Oh, wow. When we first started talking. She's. Well, no. 25, 24. And she lives in America. What? Yeah, she looks not far from here. Wow, that's crazy that somebody's so close by. And did she ever come and how did your wife find out? Like, so obviously she didn't come on. The birthday, but no, my wife asked to see my phone because we had had an issue two years ago and I gave it to her and she said, what's this?

23:54 And it was actually a phone call from the. There was a text message, I believe the girl's mother on my phone. And I said, well, that's something you probably aren't going to want to see. And that's how she found out. And I, I immediately told her that she called the woman and started talking with her. And after all of the commotion stopped, I went and told my wife that there was a house involved. And apparently she had already been told that, but I wanted to be upfront with her from here on. Yeah. So it sounds like from your wife's perspective, that might have been the bomb drop. Oh, it was, yes.

24:35 Yep. And what happened after that? When this. Did it happen? Oh, you said it was pretty recent. October 20th. It happened. Okay, right. Months ago. Yes. Four months ago. Wow. Half months ago. And there were two days we didn't speak after that. We spoke. I don't know. I think she was just making plans at the time. We did, actually, the day before and the day. Two days before. We walked both days, which I was shocked, but I think she was just doing it to put up a sense of normalcy.

25:19 Yes. So. Because she left the next morning. And when she left, was it sort of immediate or sort of like, you know what? I'm. I'm out of here. It was covert. She never told me. Oh, I haven't spoken to her since that morning. Wow. So you have not spoken to your. So your wife is almost like what we call. What do we call it? Nlc. The. The. The spouse that doesn't come back. The. Yeah. Yeah. Like a runaway wife. Yeah. Okay. Election day was the last day, full day. We were together the next morning. We didn't know who had won the election. She woke up. I think the last thing she said to me was, trump won the election.

26:07 And I had a doctor's appointment that morning. And when I came home, oh, it's a long. There's so much involved. We own a farm. She has horses. Very expensive horses. The horses were gone. All very expensive saddles. All the saddles were gone. She has an art studio in her barn that I built. And most of her art stuff was gone. Very little was taken from the house. You said you did file for divorce. She did, yeah.

26:48 So this was. And this is the longest you guys have ever been separated? Yes, we were separated one other time for, like, oh, maybe two months. And it was the same. I mean, I came. I was. At that time, I was in my 40s. I was playing hockey. I played hockey all of my Most. All of my life at a very high level. And I played men's league here locally. And a bunch of kids saw me from the college and said, you need to come to play. And I went play. And I came home one night, and all our furniture and our whole house was empty after a hockey game.

27:32 Wow. So we have. That was another time. And we went for Christian marriage counseling at that time. And I did. I mean, a lot of my behavior was different after that. I did change in different ways. And I'm. I'm right now. I've. I've done a lot of. I've got notepads here full of. Of ways to modify your behavior, to deal with Your emotions to relate to women. How to be a better husband and a better, you know, a better person.

28:14 You know, I. When I do something, I don't do it halfway. My idea was, I'm going to be a better person out of this. Good for you. And it sounds like you. It. It's. Do you feel like you're out of the tunnel now, of the delimiter object thing that's passed? Yes. You're. You're out. Did you. Did you feel like. Was that a gradual process or. Well, it was abrupt. It was when. Yeah. Wait, it was when your wife or she left? Yeah. Yeah. I offered to go to counseling. I said, you know, can we work on this? I think we should go to counseling. And of course, because our marriage was the way it was, was she had been to counseling before and after you do that, then, I mean, she would do all kinds of things to try to. The last thing she was doing, and she was doing it right up till she left, was trying to show me more respect because that changes the way I react. So she was trying to do that. She was trying to improve. Yeah, but she didn't do any. She was doing.

29:26 She didn't do any of the emotional stuff for herself to make me more connected to her. You see, what I'm in. That went through my mind too. Why do I have this connection to this other person but not to her? Yeah. Almost a stranger, really. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Why is this there, this emotional connection with her, but there isn't with my wife? I found all that out in the last 10 days because I have to meet with my counselor tomorrow and I told you she wanted me to go back in time, and I had a hard time doing that because she said there's always one major thing that. That a personal.

30:10 She's done prison counseling, too. And there's always one major thing that an inmate brings up that their life changes on a die. But knowing what I know now, there isn't always one major thing. It can be subtle things. It can be. Mine was emotional attention was given and withdrawn as a child. I can remember it now. Did it. Did it seem like it should affect me? No, but it's subconscious. Wow. And it imprints you. There's ways to change it. Oh, really? What kind of ways? I don't know that yet.

30:52 And so was this from a parent figure? Yeah. I always thought it was from my dad because my dad is a lot like me. He isn't very. I mean, my family never hugged, never kissed each other, never. And my father Emotions were sort of pushed under the rug, or more like, you're a guy. Don't cry. Just. Yeah. And it can't. My mom. Me and my mom aren't speaking right now because of it. Oh. And it's not. And I, I just, I can't talk to her. And I will say, though, I think. Tell you why it is. It's because when I, when, when this first happened, like two days after it happened, my mom calls me and I couldn't believe it because she never calls me.

31:39 And I always put my phone on speakerphone and my wife there. And she goes, well, are you going to tell her? And I had no intentions of telling her at that time because I didn't know what the, what we were, where our lives were going. So why would I. Why would I? And my wife started and I, I. And she said, well, things aren't good. And I. We told my mother and it went along a while, and of course my mother goes, I'm not taking sides. And I talked to my counselor about it, and she said, well, what's that tell you when she says that? And I said, well, she's taken.

32:23 She's not taking my side, it's taking her side. How did that make you cool? Well, that. I don't want to disrespect my mother, so I'm not talking. Were you expecting your mom to take your side? I would expect she should, yeah. It's a situation. I mean, over 40 years, my wife's attachment style is a vindictive attachment style, too. And my daughter does not speak to me. I haven't seen my grandson in four months, dear. Yeah, she's been on the Internet and villainized me. And I did put an end to that because when I could comment on it, I put, maybe you ought to tell all these people about the adulterous affair that stopped it.

33:11 But I do think, you know, the other generations before us, you know, like your parents, they probably did the best they could at that time. You know, everybody. Yeah. You mean in raising a child? Yep. And that was just the way it was. Everybody does. I mean, my daughter told me that she. And I don't know why she's not speaking to me because we did speak at Christmas time. What? She told me I was an absentee father. And I watch. I mean, I work. I ran a farm. It was a small farm. We had like 40. We were 40 to 50. 40 to 60 cows. We had 120 head. I hired one kid to come after school for an hour a day. I worked 13 to 16 hours a day, seven days a week.

34:06 Wow. 40 years. And I had three weeks off the whole time. Uh huh. So was I an absentee father? Yes, in a lot of ways. Did her college get paid for, does she have college loans to pay? No. Did half her house get paid for by her father? Yes. So I, you know, there were other ways I tried to make up for it. I kind of did the same thing my mother did to me, I guess. Yep. And that, that is typical. You know, that's what we do. Yep. So yeah, I agree. My. Me not, I think the generations being raised. I've got a teaching degree and I've taught school also. And I don't, because I don't agree with the way the schools are run. But I do think my generation and probably my, maybe my daughter's generation have had the best parenting that they can have. The parenting now is terrible in most cases from what I've seen.

35:15 But. And that shapes a person in a lot of ways. And I don't think I know one thing. Me being an anxious preoccupied probably stopped me from leaving my wife. You know what I mean? I, I had no intentions of ever leaving her. Never. Never really. I mean, I was buying stuff for a car right up till, till there's a brand new set of tires out in my shop. There's snow tires out in my shop on rims. You know, I was still buying stuff with the anticipation that, you know, a month before this all happened that, you know, she would need. So there was, I, I'm odd, I guess, is all I'm saying.

36:04 I'm not typical MLC that, that looked at, you know, a progression to leave. I guess there are some that don't. Your wife is lucky in that respect. You know, she might, I don't know. Is she? He ended up in the same spot, only in reverse roles. Did she realize you had a midlife crisis? Did you say that to her? Did you guys talk about it? No, I didn't know till after she. Oh, wait, so when did you realize after she left? After. Yeah, I didn't find, I didn't join that marriage support group till after she left. And that's where the person in it said, hey, you need to take this test. And that's when I found out and I have told her. I've sent her the information to the, to the midlife crisis group. I don't think she knows the extent that it can affect a person because she did say when we were together two weeks, she could say I could understand if you had some kind of mental problem and this happened. Little does she know I did. Yeah. Well, that's good. She said that.

37:19 She won't read the information. She won't look at it. She won't. She's really hurt. She feels really betrayed. I think she feels really betrayed. If there was a way I could educate them and give them the knowledge that I have, at least they'd understand. Well, we're trying to do that with this show and there's a lot, there's a, A lot of folks now that are trying to lift the, the awareness. Of mlc, newer awareness. And there needs to be some mental health studies. There needs. I believe there's, there's some way that this can be prevented. Yeah, to the extent, I mean, you're probably not going to prevent a midlife crisis, but to the extent that people have it, I think there is a way to limit the severity.

38:11 But there's not, there's not enough knowledge, there's not enough awareness. There's not enough studying, and there's probably not enough money. Well, I mean, the last we've had one meeting where I've seen her and it was on like we're doing now, she couldn't look at the camera. She could be having her own crisis, too. I, I wondered that she had gone through something. She's on hormone, so I don't know. She's. She's got a master's degree. She got a degree in art education, elementary education, and a minor in psychology and a minor in abnormal psychology. Huh. She ought to know what's going on. But I don't know what she does. My attorney did bring up, of course, I'm asking for reconciliation, which I live in New York, so we have very liberal laws of all kinds, so they just about hand divorces out at a drive through. Yeah.

39:26 And. But my attorney is. Did it. Did talk about reconciliation and brought up, you know, the work that I've done, the midlife crisis. And I forget. Her, her attorney, he, he handled it in a way that was demeaning to me. Let's just. Enough so that the court. Wait, wait, wait. Your attorney did. Or hit hers. Hers. Oh, enough so that the court person said, look, we're not going to have any of that going on. It was my, my. I think my attorney said, you know, what can we do? Can we do counseling or.

40:08 And he said, well, the problem with it is it's the second time, which I said, two years ago we had an issue and now this. And your attorney, your, Your client Went out and bought a house with. I forget how he worded it, but it was very. Demeanor. Right. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's. It's just unraveled like this. You know, we am too, because I'm not a quitter and I think it can be fixed. It would take a lot of work, a lot of understanding. I've done a lot of the work already. Right, right.

41:03 So do you ever sit down and have those. You don't have those panic attacks anymore about life is short death, anything good? I got nothing to live for. Oh, that's not true. You're. You're going to have a lot to live for. So you don't know. No, I think, you know, a lot of us feel that way at times. Really. But, you know, I've talked with my. My business partner. We've talked about it. Actually, we talked about it quite a while ago, and it was probably a midlife. Part of my midlife crisis and part of what he's going.

41:43 And, you know, we've talked about. About it and, and this may have helped some. You know, we've done a lot in our lifetime. We've accomplished a lot. We. We're both. He told his aunt about our partnership and she goes, well, you know, partnerships are really bad. And his aunt. And he goes to his aunt. Well, the guy's just like. And she goes, there's another one like you. And we are. We've got the same demeanor. How long. How long have you guys been partners? Since 2018. But we've known each other. He was. For 30 years.

42:26 Through your counseling and things. Have you realized or, you know, do they talk about, like, joy and that feeling of fulfillment needs to come from within and not from your spouse or anything like that? Talked about that. It's kind of weird. I pretty much run. Run the counseling thing because first I was obsessed. Why I did what I did. Yeah. And how. How can I repair the damage? Yeah. And we still talk about it some. And then my counselors and. And now I've said to her, you know, I've got a lot. I've had a lot laws. How can I improve on those?

43:12 So that's where we're starting. Have started. And looking into my childhood and I mean, I meet with her tomorrow. It was two weeks ago. And I think I got more figured out. Wow. Why I am the way I am now after that. How do you fix it? How can you. How can you, you know, work on changing. Changing your attachment style? Yeah. I guess recognition is the first Step in the right direction. Well, yeah, I've known, yeah.

43:53 Admittance, remorse, acknowledgment and accountability. That's how you correct yourself. Well, I refer to all my male guests as John, so I'm not gonna say your name, but. So. Okay, so you've got a lot coming up in the future. Would it be okay if we have a part two sometime in the future? Whatever you want. Let me ask you any, any, any last minute you want to share with our viewers today. You've got some advice there. You've got a lot. You know, I, I talk in, in the chat and I try to give them advice more, very understanding. And I try to tell them pretty much what happened in and where I'm headed.

44:43 I do think, given time, I will tell you right now, your husband will regret what's happened. And if you can, if you can buy the time and prevent certain things from happening, if you feel that your relationship is worth that, it's a risk. But it's saying that, I guess if you're in love with someone, it's a risk. You, you have and died on your own, whether you're willing to take or not. Huh.

45:26 It's like me now. I've been four months and I, I went sending my wife messages, and the last one I sent her was she asked me why this happened. And I never. When she asked me, I could not give her satisfactory answer. All I could say was it made me feel younger. Right. But I couldn't, I couldn't tell her, you know, why I did it. And I told her, in a way, you know, I said I was very insecure, both in my life and in my marriage at the time. And those were the main reasons that. And I said there were some reasons why I felt insecure. Went to the part with my mom and all that, but I wanted her to know I would, I would, and I will if she gives me that chance. To me, when you, when I hear that she said that to you, that she asked you how did it happen? I think that that's really like her willing to be opened up, sort of keep a wall, maybe an invisible wall between. Yeah, that was the tour here with, with me. Yeah. The, the fearful avoidant fluctuates from avoidant to anxious.

46:47 They go from one end from one extreme to the other. And she must have been in the anxious stage where she wanted to, you see what she wanted. Inquire. I think it would. Anyone that goes through this, I think it would do anyone good to talk about it afterwards, whether you're with your partner or not, I think you owe them that. You're very lucky that you've come out of this, you know, not everybody does. Eight years. Eight years. It's been eight years. Wow.

47:29 Well, 2017. What a great way to start your retirement, huh? Oh, I'll never be retired. I'm not that type. Yeah. I've got so many things that I do. But that's a good thing. Yeah. I would do things a lot different. And I. I don't know, I. We got five foot of snow here this December and it collapsed one of my barns. Oh. Caved the roof right in. Oh. Yeah. It's. I got a huge mess to clean up from that. But.

48:12 Yeah. And. And I've thought, you know, I don't know if I want to live here in the world. Maybe I'll have place in the south in the winter. South. I don't know. But it changed my life. You mean the crisis? Yeah, the midlife crisis is changing. Wow. And not for the Right. I'm so sorry. You know, I mean, it is devastating. See, you're the person in the crisis. Devastating for you, devastating for your wife, other grandchildren in the family. Yeah. It's hard to some, you know, for some people, it's really hard to.

48:54 Some people won't admit it outright, but inside they will know what they did was wrong and regret that they did it to someone. Really sad because it's tipping, you know what's happening. People's the latter third of, you know. Yeah. Well, why do you think there's some men. Look at. Look at the rise in divorce. A look at the rise number of divorces with people with gray hair. They're talking about it all the time. Oh yeah, there's a Facebook group, Gray Hair Divorce. Yes. Why do you think it is? Yep. You know why and I know why. But the public doesn't know why yet and they need to.

49:40 Thank you for joining us today as. As we discuss this topic. You know, the mental health community has yet to formally classify midlife crisis as a psychological impairment with real world consequences similar to what you've heard today. Research suggests that MLC can involve symptoms similar to depression, identity crisis, and even dissociative states. Like other conditions that impair judgment, such as manic episodes and bipolar disorder or temporary psychosis. M leads individuals to make reckless decisions similar to that that they later end up regretting if a person is in a psychiatric crisis. If a person in a psychiatric crisis cannot legally sign contracts or make major life decisions without oversight, why should an individual in the throes of a midlife crisis be allowed to dismantle a marriage, sell a home or drain shared finances without safeguards. We believe legal protections must be implemented to prevent MLC driven destruction of families. Legal reforms should be considered such as waiting periods for major decisions.

50:44 Just as there are waiting periods for gun purchases and other high risk actions. A mandatory reflection period should be instituted before finalizing divorce or selling shared property during an mlc. There could be legal oversight for spousal protection if one spouse claims the other is in a midlife crisis. Courts should require mediation and mental health assessments before irreversible legal actions can be taken. It's our efforts through this podcast that more awareness can be brought to this situation so that going forward from unilaterally destroying a shared life due to a temporary psychological breakdown. Thank you for joining us today and we look forward to having you join us on our future shows. Thanks so much.

51:32 Have a super day you guys.