After the Bomb: One Wife's Story of Betrayal and Strength

0:16 A midlife crisis is more than just a cultural stereotype. It's a real psychological struggle that can surface between the ages of 40 and 60, often triggered by aging, loss or unmet expectations. It can lead individuals to question their identity, make impulsive choices, or abruptly abandon long term commitments. While not officially classified as a mental illness, the emotional and relational fallout is very real, especially for the spouses and families left behind.

0:56 This podcast gives voice to those living through the aftermath, exposing the hidden pain and seeking accountability, healing and understanding. The stories and events discussed in this podcast are based on our guest experiences and are intended for informational and entertainment purposes. Purposes only. They should not be considered legal, medical or professional advice. Any names, locations or identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any similarities to actual persons, living or dead, or real events are purely coincidental.

1:36 The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the host or the podcast creators. Listeners should consult with a qualified professional regarding their own circumstances. Foreign in today's episode, you are going to hear Janie's bomb drop and you are going to be reminded to follow your intuition, trust your gut instincts, pay attention to red flags, and know that you will get through this one day sooner than you think. You will actually realize that you are stronger, you are happy, you are peaceful, and we want you to be ready to say yes when fun new opportunities present themselves, because they will. The best is yet ahead. I know it's horrible now when you're going through a bomb drop at whatever stage you're at, but it does get better.

2:34 And Jamie's gonna tell us a little about that right here. All right. Hey everybody. Today I've got Janie who's going to tell us about her bomb drop. It's been several years now and she's going to take it away. All right. Hi Janie. Thanks for joining us today. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to tell my story. Well, it's been almost four years now. I'm coming up on four years. Bomb drop was June 11th, so it'll be four, four years in June. And I feel sorry for.

3:14 I have sympathy for everyone that's new to this. I know how hard it is to be in that place when your world falls apart. And we've been there and we understand what everyone's going through. So I mean stay in those groups for support as long as you need it. So I guess I'll start with our marriage. We were Married in for 19 years at the time of bomb drop, 18 years at the time of Bomb Drop. And it was a happy marriage, at least I thought it was. I thought he was happy. I was happy. We had a beautiful home, we had lots of friends, we entertained. It was a good life. He never made me feel like I wasn't loved.

3:57 He would tuck me in every night and always tell me how much he loved me. So about a month, yeah, he was a sweetheart. But hindsight, I think maybe he was overcompensating for his lifestyle that I didn't know about. But when Bomb Drop happened about a month earlier, he had gone out to a trip with friends that he had gone on yearly. And when he came back, he was acting often. I mean, this is a. I knew him at that point for 30 years of my life because we had dated for three years before we got married and we knew each other for seven years before we even started dating. So we were friends on top of that. So he came home and he just was acting strange. I kept asking, is there something wrong?

4:47 You know, are you okay? Something happened out on your trip? No, just busy at work. So I got every excuse use in the book. And there was just about a month after him giving me excuses, he came home one night and he was at a meeting and when he came home, he was running kind of late and something just hit me. And I remember texting him and saying, are you going to ask me for a divorce or are you just going to leave me? I don't know where it came from. But I text him that and he's like, what are you talking about? And so he got home and he wasn't late that night. It was still early, not about 10 o' clock at night. And he came in and he said, I'm not happy and I don't know if I want to be married anymore. And I was just beside myself, was shocked, like I couldn't believe what was hearing from him. This man who was my rock and my best friend, who I had been trying to get to talk to me for the last month, just like lays this on me. And I asked him right away, is there someone else?

5:51 Well, he denied that that was on a Friday night. By Saturday afternoon, I called my girlfriend pretty much right away and she said, check your phone bill. Which I didn't even think to do. So I checked our phone bill and sure enough, from the phone bill I figured out who she was. And I knew her. We ran in the same circle and I knew her husband. And so it was kind of shocking to find out and to see the hundreds and thousands of text Messages and the long phone conversations and everything. So he refused to talk to me. That went on for probably about a week.

6:35 It was hard. I didn't. I couldn't stop crying for a week. And he didn't care. He was just oblivious to the. So wait, let's back up. So. Once you saw the phone bill and you saw this, did you present it to him and say, hey, what's going on? I did. So he was in his man cave, and I went down there and I said, whose phone number is this? I don't know. I'm like, well, it's all over the phone bill. Someone you've been talking to. So. And I knew who it was, and I told him. I said, it's Skankalicious. We'll call her. I said, it's Skankalicious. Phone number. And she was on that business, that trip with you, with your friends, and she was in the picture that your friend posted on Facebook when I asked you why was she hanging out with you guys if she didn't bowl on, if she wasn't on your team?

7:28 And, oh, I don't know. She's from a different town. And I'm like, no, no, she's not. So he tried to cover his tracks before I found the phone number. Well, I called her that night, and she hung up, obviously. And I basically screamed in the phone, leave my husband alone. And that's when he just was like, oh, the trust is broken. It's over now. It's over. And that's all he had to say for himself for about a week. And so, because, you know, as women, we want to research everything. So me and my girlfriend figured out who her husband was. We were going to call the husband, and I made the mistake of giving my husband too much information at the time, and he insisted that they were already going through a divorce process, and her husband was a jerk.

8:22 And, you know, anything he could do to deter me from calling the husband, because I had the husband's phone number. So that was in June. Last week, too. I'm just gonna back up. You said you guys ran in the same circles, or did you had you actually met her face to face beforehand? Oh, yeah. I had known her for a couple years, yes. Oh, but you had never met her husband. I did meet her husband. Never met her husband. I did meet her husband prior to all of this blowing up. He was at an event, and all of us girls, and we were, you know, just a group of girls standing there talking. And when he came in and she was part of that group.

9:05 And we're like, oh, who's that hottie? Oh, that's my husband. So he was a very attractive man. We were all like, oh, that's a keeper. You know. You know how women we. We're married, we're not dead, but that's as far as we would take it. Yeah. So, yeah, I knew her. I didn't know her husband very well at the time, but I knew her pretty well. So the fact that it was her is just. I guess after everything I found out, it's not a surprise. Come to find out she had two previous affairs on her husband prior to having an affair with my husband.

9:47 I'm jumping ahead a little bit here, but they were actually in counseling from her second affair to try to save their marriage when she started the affair with my husband. So. But during that summer, he would. He was. He. He was a drinker. Quite a big. Bob was quite a big drinker, but he always seemed to have it under control. But after the affair came out, it just turned into. He'd get home from work and it went from drinking a few beers to whiskey, Almost a full glass of whiskey drink, till he'd pass out. And he'd wake up and he'd start drinking, and it got so horrible.

10:27 It's like he was just. You could see he was drowning himself. And he would say things to me like, I'm broken and I love you, and I don't know what I want, and I'm so confused. But then I would catch him staring off into space, playing love songs on the radio and looking like a teenager in heat, for God's sakes. I mean, he would sit there, and you could just see the look on his face when he started thinking about her. And I'm like, it was just so disgusting. And I. You know, I tried to ignore it because I'm just like, okay, we're going to get through this. Let's get into counseling. You know, I don't need counseling. And, you know, people just fall out of love, and this is just what happens. But. But I remember one specific event from that summer.

11:10 We had a big fight the night before, and the next morning, he came up and was telling me how much he loved me. And he choose our marriage, and he wanted to save us, and he was committed 100% to me. And he was going to a bowling or he was going to a golfing tournament that day, so he asked me to drop him off, and he'd get a ride home from the guys that he was meeting there. So I drove him down there, and he didn't come home until very, very late. And when I finally realized I could get access to his Google locator, I found out where he was. And he was at a friend's house in a neighboring town. I said, what were you doing at Jill's house? Oh, there's a bar right across the street from our house.

11:58 Well, my therapist was right down there. So I drove past, and there's no bar on that street. And I told him that. So he was with her that night, telling me how much he loves me, wants the marriage, but ended up at her place with her that evening. So that went on for a couple months, till August. And then he said that it was over. He ended it with her, and he decided to get counseling as well, which I think was. I kind of pushed him into it, thinking it would help save the marriage. I think he used the counselor to justify his affair and to realize that he wanted out of the marriage because people change is what he told me. People change.

12:45 But from. Oh, geez. It must have been from August, September through January, December, beginning of December. I thought everything was getting better. He just found a way to hide it better. So I'd still catch him staring off into space and thinking about her and. Or when he locked his phone down so tight I couldn't get in his phone, but I had the Google GPS on so I could tell exactly where he was going. Well, I checked it, and he had spent a morning with her, and I confronted him on that, and he was just there talking to her. Just all the things. I mean, now I say these things now, and I'm like, well, how could I believe any of this? But we want to believe it's our husbands. You know, this is a person I've known for. Well, maybe he was saying stuff like, oh, she's having a rough time with her husband and trying to give her advice. Well, in the meantime, she had left her husband and moved closer to where my house is so she could be available. So she got an apartment down here and told her husband she needed space to think about what she wanted.

13:55 They were still in counseling. So fast forward to the day, the Saturday after Thanksgiving. There's this big event that he would go to every year, and usually I would go shopping, and I would stop in and say hi to all these people. Half the people that were at our wedding and are all good friends, friends of ours. No, no, no, don't stop. I don't want you there, because she's going to be there. She's going to be at this event. So I should have dropped everything, and I should have went there. Would it have changed anything? Probably not. So he was making out with her in front of everybody that night.

14:37 All of our friends, everyone that was. That knew me, that knew him, that knew of our marriage, and everyone was just shocked. And. Wait, how did you find this out? I didn't find this out until a week later. So that was the Saturday after Thanksgiving. On the following Thursday night, he came home and he told me that he was leaving me to be with her. And I didn't sleep at all that night. He went to work the next day like nothing happened. I called his best friend, who was the man? He was the best man in our wedding. And he knew, but he played stupid.

15:21 And he said he would talk to him. It didn't matter at that point, he was leaving, but he told me he needed space and that he was just going to go get a hotel for a few weeks and think about what he really wanted. Well, that's not what he did. So the next morning, and I knew the address of the apartment, I drove down there the next morning. I had our wedding rings in my car. I had our wedding picture in our car. I found his truck there. And they wouldn't come to the door. They wouldn't answer the door. I sat outside, called, text. He wouldn't come in. So I stopped at his mother's house on the way home and gave everything to her.

16:04 And I said, I can't do this anymore. I don't know what he's doing. He's with her. And he never came home after that. So about a month after that, I filed for divorce. And he was shocked that I filed so quickly, but I needed to protect myself. He was. Lord knows what kind of money he was spending on her prior to that. But he came and got. The Saturday that I found him at her house. He came back to our house and grabbed some more of his clothes. And I was beside myself. I mean, I was a puddle of a mess on the floor, crying, begging him to rethink what he was doing and what he was throwing away. And we built this beautiful life.

16:54 We have our house, Our bills are paid for. We. We are set for retirement. Like, what are you doing? You're blowing up your whole house, your whole life for this woman that you're having an affair with? Well, I'm in love. I love her. And I'm like. And I told him, I said, well, our marriage can't compete with new love. I get it new love is exciting and fun, but you're a married man. You made a commitment. We said vows like, what are you doing? This isn't the man I married. And he's like, well, maybe I just didn't love you enough to stay faithful. That was one of the things he said to me that just hurt. But I wanted to fix it. And I begged and begged and begged and he basically walked over me laying on the floor to leave the house so he could go back to her. And other people saw them at an event later that day like nothing had happened. Everything was fine. They were together. So they went, they were very public after, well before that, but after he moved in with her, they went public immediately that day. And it was finally, I had to block him on social media because they were posting everything and it was just disgusting. I couldn't see it anymore. It was just too hurtful.

18:11 I would send him messages like, you're still married, so is she. Like, you're posting all this, you know, stuff on like, how, how. What do you think this looks like to the world? Like teenagers. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are two cheaters and you're posting to the world about how much you're in love with each other, but you're still married to other people, you know, so I, and then, then came all the expensive trips and they were, they were jet setting around like they were, you know, this big power couple. So the divorce took about a year and then after the divorce, they bought their mansion, this humongous six bedroom, six bath house for the two of them.

18:54 And she's got a four karat diamond ring on her hand, a brand new car. So they're close to a. He went from debt free to almost a million dollars in debt within a year of our divorce. And, and his karma's catching up, but it's going to take a while longer. But during the entire process, I didn't leave the house for four months after he left me. It was pretty brutal. I would have groceries delivered. I didn't want to talk. The only people I would talk to, my mother would come and stay with me for a while. My brother was he here is my support. My sister lives out of state, so I would talk to her and a couple of my girlfriends. But I kept my circle really tight and I mean, I finally started going, okay, I've got to at least go to the grocery store. I can do this.

19:49 So I would get dressed and go to the grocery store and I'd cry all the way there and I'd cry All the way home. But in the grocery store, I held it together. So I started with little baby steps of trying to get back into society, because my. When your whole world blows up like that, like, your sense of reality is gone. Like, who do you trust? Like, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't feel like I could leave my house and be safe. My safety net was gone, and he was my safety net. It was hard. And one of my girlfriends, that she was actually in my wedding finally reached out, and we. We met for dinner one night and talked about it, and she slowly but surely got me to go out. She's like, well, let's go see this band at this park down the street. Okay, I'll go with you. So she started getting me.

20:43 She brought me back to life, and I'll be forever grateful for her. And it was still hard. I mean, I was still dealing with it, but I was trying to get myself out of the house so I could start getting some safety back in myself and feel confident and just like, I'm going to be okay. I mean, at that point, my motto is, fake it till you make it. And that began my summer of yes. So that was the summer that somebody asked me to do something. I'm going to say yes whether I feel like it or not, because it would just. It gets your mind off of thinking about it constantly and wondering, you know, So I met someone that summer, and we started dating, and that was way too soon.

21:30 I wasn't even divorced yet. It was a toxic relationship. But I think that part of me felt safe to jump back into that wife role, so to say, because he was very demanding, and it was not a good relationship. It was toxic. So I cautioned, wait, wait, just wait. Don't jump in. But I jumped into this relationship with him because it felt comfortable to have someone else there to help with things around the house. It's a lot to take care of a house by yourself when you're used to having the help. And she helped, but on the emotional level, just not a very supportive partner.

22:13 And I learned a lot from the relationship, I will say that. And I also made a lot of new friends and met some wonderful people through the relationship. So that would be the best things that came out of it and definitely realized what my worth is and what I will and won't accept from a man in the future. So it did help me in my healing journey quite a bit. And, I mean, I'm in a great place now, but in the four years there's been A lot of ups and downs. I would get so many breadcrumbs from Bob. About five months after he left me, he was messaging me one night how much he missed me and he loved me. And he missed everything. He missed our animals, he missed our pets, he missed our house, he missed the backyard. He missed everything about me. And I mean, at that point, if he would have came home, thank God he didn't, I probably would have let him come home. And it would have been an epic fail because he's still deep in it. But that went on for probably the last three years. I haven't received anything in probably nine months. So it's been a while.

23:35 So I don't know if it's going to happen again. But it's hard to resist those breadcrumbs when they come because you still care about the person you were married to, but they're not that person anymore. That's the hardest thing to realize is that's not your safety anymore. That's not your safe space. The only reason they're reaching out and breadcrumbing you is for their own to appease something in them. It's for them. It's not for us. And it's a hard problem because when you think, oh, they're finally thinking about me. They still love me. No, no. They're just reaching out to appease something they're missing.

24:15 And that's all it is. But I think they call it anchor checking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He. Anchor checks a lot. He hasn't in a while, but I would not be surprised if it comes again. But I've gotten a lot better in dealing with those anchor checks. Now, if he does it, I don't think I would respond at this point. He's done so much damage. And the Bob that you see around now, is he different from the Bob you were married to? Well, he's not. He was always such a happy, fun, vibrant man when we were married. Like he was the life of the party. He was always positive.

24:59 You know, he'd read books on positivity and he. He was. He. What I thought was a good person. You know, I. If I had problems, I could go to him and he would help me or he'd give me the solution or he'd cheer me up, whatever he could do. When I. The last time I talked to him, which was about a week or two ago, concerning some financial matters, he sounded defeated. He did not sound upbeat or positive. He sounded horrible. And I even asked him, are you okay? Is your mom okay? You don't sound right. And he just said, I. I'm just. I gotta do something about all the debt I'm in. Which I knew was gonna catch up with them. I mean, who goes into a million dollars in debt in your 50s? What are you thinking?

25:47 But I mean. And I know we talk a lot about childhood trauma and family of origin, and he has quite a bit childhood trauma. He was. He never knew his real father. I think that he knew who he was, but there was never any relationship there. He was pretty much abandoned by him. He was adopted by his adoptive father. And that man was an alcoholic also, and a womanizer. So that marriage ended.

26:28 And I know that was traumatizing to him. And these were things we had talked about over the years. I mean, we were together 23 years, but so I thought that it was getting. I thought that he was dealing with it. And I come from a very strong family. My parents have been married 61 years now, I believe it is. And my father. My mom and dad loved him, so he was the favorite uncle. My dad loved him like a son. So he got a lot of love from my family, and he walked away from it all for this woman who was just horrible.

27:10 But, I mean, it's. I don't think there's anything we can do. It's not our fault that what happened to us is not our fault. I think they would go through this no matter who they're married to. You know, you could be a supermodel, and they're going to do it to you. It doesn't matter what we look like, how much we love them. It's what. How. What they're doing is all about them. It's not. It's not about us, but we. I mean, I have a lot of. Yeah, there are the supermodels and celebrities that it's happened to. I mean, you know, right. Ben Affleck's. Why Jennifer Garner. I mean, you know, Sandra Bullock. I mean, just. Yeah, it just these poor folks, male and female, that have that. That fall into the midlife crisis.

28:00 And I really think that she. Skankalicious was going through her own. After my husband left me, I did get in contact with her husband. And funny thing is, I couldn't get in contact with him. So my sister contacted him through Facebook messenger and got his phone number or got my phone number to him. And so we finally got in contact and come to find out she went into his Facebook and blocked me. So he. I couldn't find him on Facebook, and she also blocked my phone number. From his phone, so he had to call. So when my sister sent him my phone number, he called me, but I couldn't ever call him. So he ended up fixing that. But we talked that night, that night, that Saturday that I would find him at her apartment. We talked for three, four hours that night.

28:57 And I actually missed him about five minutes at that house because he was there that morning, too, and he saw the truck there, and they were supposed to go to counseling that morning, and she didn't show up. And that's why he was there. Yeah. So we had a long conversation just about what was going on and filled each other in with what we both knew. And it was just shocking. Like, he knew that the marriage was in trouble. I mean, she moved out and she did it while he was out of town, but they were still, you know, seeing each other and going to counseling and trying to get the marriage to work. And I remember making a comment to Bob before he had left me, like, why can't you leave her alone? Maybe she's trying to work it out with her husband. Did you ever think of that? That you're hurting them, too, by pursuing this relationship with this other married woman?

29:49 I'm like, but they were in love. They were in love. But was it limerence? I don't know. Infatuation, for sure. I mean, the look on his face when I'd catch him thinking about her was just. He was off in la la land. I mean, it. When I think about it now, it's funny. It. It. It's not. It wasn't funny when it happened, but now I'm just like, how pathetic was that? You know? But it's hard. It takes you a long time to come to terms with looking at what happened and realizing I did not. I didn't deserve that. Like, I was a good wife. I went to work every day. I kept our house clean, I cooked dinner. You know, we. We were a team. And, like, you blindsided me, and then you abandoned. It's a painful thing to go through, and it's a long journey, and it destroys your trust in human beings. I mean, it destroys your trust in people. It destroys the thought that you had about the world around you, and you question your safety and your sanity and your whole life and such a horrible journey. But I got involved with some great. Some great therapists that helped me really dig in and just work it out. My last therapist had me do one

31:21 of the most therapeutic things I ever did, and I recommend this to everyone, is to write a F off letter to Your ex husband. And it doesn't have to be in order. It can just be random thoughts and whatever. You put whatever you want in that letter. And I, granted, I never sent it. You're not supposed to send it. Don't send it. But it was very therapeutic. And I'll tell you what, I. I added on to that. I kept adding. It was probably six pages. Yeah. It's important to know, like, remind yourself why you wouldn't go back, you know? Right, right. And I mean, I wanted him back for a very long time after he left, I wanted him back. And I'm like, if he just comes home, we can fix this. You know, we were special. We had a special marriage.

32:11 We were the special ones. We. And we weren't. It wasn't special. It wasn't. It wasn't how it's supposed to be. And when you step back, when you're detached from it and you start looking back on the marriage and you can see the flaws. Did I enable him to be an alcoholic? Possibly. So I looked at myself too, and what parts I played in the marriage. And I think, I mean, like I said, I know I was a good wife and I loved him completely. And I mean, I was married. I was married for life. We said vows in front of God and our families, and that's how I was raised. But I think I enabled him to drink as much as he did. And I tried to, hey, you're drinking a lot lately. You gotta pull it back a little bit. But he's completely gone off the rails with drinking now. From the things my friends still tell me, it's gotten worse. So it's only a matter of time before that catches up to him. Well, a mutual friend we have was over at my house doing some work for me and was giving me an update on what's going on with Bob. And he hangs in the same circles with Bob and they're at a bowling tournament together. And my friend received

33:44 a topless photo from the bathroom of bowling alley that they're at of Bob's Skankalicious. So sounds like there's trouble in paradise already. And he. And Bob is also. His alcoholism is just going over the top. They found him passed out in a bathroom at a bowling alley and he did not want to stop and stayed there because all of his friends were there and he had to be there. But I think my friend also said that last year they were very close and tight at the hip and always right next to each other in Lovey Dovey. And he's like this year when they come in to bowling, they're on opposite sides of the lanes. And she looks pissed off and he looks pissed off, and he's like, you can tell there's trouble in paradise. That they are not happy.

34:35 They did. They have planned their wedding for 2026 in July at a very expensive resort in Mexico. My friend said it was very. He said it was. Nobody really wanted to go because they picked such an expensive resort that no one can afford to go. So that'll be interesting to see if they make it there. But, but yeah. So it sounds like she's looking for another affair partner. So. So they are. According to him, they were super in love. Yeah. And now she's sending topless photos to his friends. Yeah. Photos of herself. Of herself. Love herself. She's looking for another man.

35:17 Yeah. I don't, Yeah. I, I, I, you can't make this stuff up. For sure. They were so in love, and they had, they had to destroy 23 years of marriage with their, with each of their spouses because they, they're. They were just in so much in love that that was the only thing that was going to work. So, yeah, karma's. Karma's finally coming back around. But I, I mean, I hope they stay together because they really do deserve each other. I guess so. At least they, they do have some sports in common. Yeah. Yeah. And her ex, is he doing okay? He is actually remarried to a wonderful girl. I have not met her, but I have talked to him a few times over. And every time I talk to him, he's just beaming and happy and so a happy ending for him as well. And he deserves it because he just a sweet sweetheart of a man. I don't understand why you would trade somebody like that in. Because he didn't deserve that. He was such a good man. But one thing with. You know, I was thinking about this the other day, about all of the stuff that goes on between Bob and Skankalicious.

36:34 And I mean, imagine living your life like that. Always hiding behind a corner or a text or secrets. I mean, imagine living your whole life like that. Everything's hidden. Nobody really knows the real you. And I can't imagine that because I am at the point where I feel so much freedom and I have no guilt in my life. And I feel like my future is going to be incredible. I'm not, I'm going to be able to share myself fully with a man and a partner in life and not have to have all of these. I don't understand how they can live like that because to have the freedom to start something that's clean and happy and true, like, there's not a.

37:29 The feeling to be able to do that is so awesome and pure that I can't imagine life being different. And for them, their lives are never going to be that way. They're never going to have this feeling of joy inside of them and this happiness. And I was always afraid in the beginning that he took that away from me through all of this. He took my joy and he took my happiness, but he didn't. And I found it again. And it takes a while to get there, but, man, when you feel it, you feel it and think of the. That's really good you said that. Because I remember feeling that way too. And. And for our people that are new to this and might have just got a bomb drop, that's so important. That's just like your. Your joy and happiness, it comes from within. It doesn't come from your partner. You know, I mean, it's great when you have a great partner and they can add to your life, but you know what? If that joy and happiness doesn't come from within, you're never going to find it, you know, and that. That thing about being authentic, that is so important to live an authentic life, you know? Yes. Yeah. I can't imagine the whole not being authentic. You know, they could never. There's obviously in lies and another, you know, coming out of this.

38:48 Like, it's all about mindset too. You know, you got to. You gotta feed yourself positivity. You've gotta talk to yourself the way you want to be talked to. You know, with my fitness journey, I mean, I've been on a fitness journey for a year now and just kept telling myself, I can do this and I can go get stronger and I can lift heavier and whatever, but it's such. You got to get in this positive mindset, you know, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved the right way. I mean, I deserve a partner that's proud to be with me. I deserve someone that's not going to lie to me. I deserve all these things. We all deserve these things. And we can't let what they did define our future. We can't let them define us. We have to leave them behind. We've outgrown them.

39:34 And if they catch up, they catch up. But that's a lot to overcome for them. But for us, the sky's the limit. I do want to ask you about red flags. Oh, okay. Absolutely. Red flags. Oh, geez, well, when I'll go back to a red flag that came up early on and I'm. I don't remember if we were married at this point or if we were engaged. This was back when computers were still the big junk tech.

40:16 They were the big pieces on the desk. And I had been gone to visit my sister for a week and when I came home I was on our computer doing something and somehow I wandered upon the chat and he was having a chat with somebody while I was gone about trying to get them to come to our house to have relations with him. And I, I, yeah, so when he came home, I'm like, what in the heck is this? Oh, I was just messing around. That's nothing serious. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, that was my first I right there. And then I should have been like, this is, we're done. This is, we're done. I'll tell you what, that happens to me today, I'm done. But I believed him.

41:07 And so we, I mean we got married and whatnot. So he started we want and I was in my mid-30s when we got married. So at that time I'm like, let's start, let's try to have children right away. Well, we weren't, we weren't getting pregnant. We weren't getting pregnant. So we went on fertility drugs and everything, which oh my God, those are horrible for you. Mood had had one miscarriage, went off the fertility drugs after that and ended up getting pregnant again. And on my 40th birthday we went in to and at that point I was turning 40, so I was pretty high risk and went in to have the first ultrasound at 10 weeks and there was no heartbeat.

41:51 So they had scheduled the DNC for that evening because they did not think this one was going to pass just because the way they had prepared to try to help the pregnancy hold and stay in. So they scheduled the DNC for that night. And so he had an event that night that he had to be at a bowling tournament or a bowling league and he had to be there. And he dropped me off the hospital to get my DNC and had his mother come and pick me up when it was done. So when I got home, he was on the coach already half drunk, half. And yeah, he enjoyed his evening while I was in the hospital having a DNC. Was that actually your 40th birthday? That was my, the day I turned 40.

42:42 That was how I spent my day. Wow. That's how it happened on your 40th birthday. He already had a bowling Thing planned. Yeah. Yep, Yep. Yeah. Very, very. What a great husband. I mean, and at that, I don't. I don't even rem. I remember just being so numb from this being my second miscarriage to. Because at that point that day, the doctor said, you're done. You're not doing this anymore. You're not going to have kids. You know, I mean, so I was pretty numb that day. So the whole day was kind of a blur. So when he did that, I mean, I was just kind of oblivious to everything around me.

43:26 So it didn't really hit me until a few years later that, you know, I can't believe he freaking did and not. And I never told my closest girlfriend. I never told her he did that. And we were talking recently, we were talking within the last few years, and I told her that, and she looked at me and she said, what? He did what? I never knew that. And, you know, that was 15 years ago. And she's like, you never told me that. And I'm like, you know, I probably didn't tell you because I was so embarrassed about what he did that he did that. That's probably why I never freaking told anybody about it. So, yeah, you were protecting. You were protecting your reputation and everything. Hey, and, you know, his mom picks you up at the hospital. Did she have a. Did she say, you know, so sorry Bob isn't here. So sorry he's bowling on your 40th? Did she. Is she empathetic towards any of this?

44:23 She didn't say anything to me about that at all. I mean, she was upset because he's an only child. That was her last chance at having a grandbaby. Okay. So she really, you know, she was upset that it was happening. But when I did talk to her, I finally went to her right before he left to go live with Skankalicious. I went and talked to her about it, and she's like, he's not going to do that. He loves you, and blah, blah, blah, and I'll talk to him. But he wouldn't talk to her either, because I had started telling more people about it, thinking maybe this will help bring him back to reality because he was so dark, detached from the world around him and reality that I'm like, I got to try to pull him back in here. And nothing mattered. Best friends talking to him, his mother talking to him.

45:17 Nothing mattered. That ship sailed with the day the affair came to light was the day the marriage was over. And I should have. I should have had him leave the house on that day because it would have brought me faster healing, honestly. Because having him home for those six months was torture. That was pure torture. Watching him sit there and daydream about another woman right in front of me was just disgusting. And then when he'd get drunk, he'd get pretty boisterous about what a great person she is. And she's so beautiful and wonderful and everything is perfect about her. It was just so like the things he would say to. To me about her. There was a few nights that I got called her name in the bedroom.

46:05 That was painful. He'd say, I love you, and it was not my name. And I would get up and I would go sleep in the basement. And the next day he'd be apologizing up and down. And it got bad. He should have left right away. I should have thrown him out right away. But I wanted. At that point, I wanted to save the marriage. But I think once this happens, I don't think the marriage can be saved. At that point. I think that that marriage is over. The marriage you knew was over. It's never gonna be the same. I lost respect for this man.

46:46 I don't feel safe with him anymore. I mean, I was having panic attacks, anxiety attacks. Like, if his car. I would drive home from work, and I always drove past his office. If his car wasn't there, I'd have panic attacks and I'd call and text, and if he wasn't answering right away, it was. I mean, I lost 30 pounds and about two months. I don't even think it took me two months, but I dropped and 30 pounds instantly because I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't. It was horrible. It's. It's a horrible thing to put someone through. When you think that, you know, you're with the love of your life and then they put you through that. You see them in a different light when you come out the other side. For sure. That's. That's not how love should be.

47:31 That's not. That's not love. And I don't think he knows what real love is. And I don't think he ever will know what real love is. He's chasing dreams and he's chasing fantasies, and he'll never be happy. The stories I've heard from friends after everything came out that he has cheated. This was not the first time that he cheated. There have been prostitutes. There have been girls in my basement that he would invite over when I was sleeping. There have been strippers.

48:13 Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait you found out that while you were asleep upstairs. Your husband was entertaining girls in your basement. Yes. Yes. And I remember. Or I, I don't know. But I did have someone tell me that he was having relations with a woman in my basement while I was sleeping upstairs. Oh, my God. Yeah. And I remember one night that I heard. I thought I heard a woman's voice in the basement when I went down there. Oh, it was the tv. So, I mean, I gotta, I mean, I gotta think she must have. Down in the basement somewhere. Was that his man cave? Yeah, kind of thing. And there was an exit to the garage.

49:03 So that he could sneak him in and out, you know, without me knowing. Is it true? At this point, I, I, I believe it. Because the person that told me it didn't have anything to gain. And I don't think he was lying to me. But he wasn't the only person to come and tell me stories of, you know, he, he was with this person or that person he propositioned. So he definitely was, was. This was not the first time that he was cheating on me. And of course, he denies it. I, I mean, when I would find this stuff out, I would confront him on it and be like. So you did this? You cheated here? I never did that. I never touched that person. And he was not picky about who he was cheating with.

49:49 I mean, it was, it's like a. He was a way for a trip with friends. And the one friend that told me about the girl in the basement said that he had. That Bob had gotten off the elevator with two women in tow. And my friend said, where you going? Back to my room. And there he goes with the two women in tow. And there's more stories that I've heard. They're all the same. They're all the same. So that also. You know what? I am so glad you got disconnected from that relationship. Because really, Jeanie, I mean, you are beautiful and smart and amazing. And I mean, you're like a 12 on a scale of 1 to 10. And so there should be a guy out there that you know will be awesome. That you can end up with. You know, if you're willing to. If you want to end up somebody. But seriously, I mean. Yeah. You're obviously way out of his league, you know. Well, yeah.

50:49 And I mean, I never felt like that with him. But now looking back in the marriage, I should have, I should have never married him. I'm glad I did. I mean, we, we had a good life. We had, I thought we had a good life. I Mean, I have good memories and I'm not gonna lie. Well, yeah. You were fed as well, the story. Yeah, yeah. I mean he fed me a great story, but I mean we had a good time. He was like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Absolutely. We went on lots of. We went on some very nice trips through his company, through his work. I met some good people. Unfortunately, I lost a lot of friends after the marriage ended because they all went with him. Because why, I don't know. But I don't think those are real friends in the first place because I surely did not deserve what happened. And for them to abandon me also, that was a hard thing to swallow. But the people that meant to something to me, and I know our true friends, they stay. So you find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this for sure and. But you, you gotta really, you know, the best thing you can do is detach and move on. You know, maybe they catch up to you someday, maybe they don't, you know, but if they do, you're gonna be in a completely different place in your life and you're gonna be able to look at it through. You're not looking at them through those rose tinted glasses anymore. You see them for who they are.

52:19 And I think that's the hardest pill for us to swallow is that's truly who my ex husband is. He is not a good person. He never was a good person. He was a good actor. And it's a hard pill to swallow but man, I don't know, if I had to do it all over again, would I still choose the same partner? You know, I, I don't know. I was, I was young. I don't want to blame it on being young and naive, but you know, maybe I was younger. On one side hand you're, you know, you said you guys are best friends and you do still talk and you know, that's, you know, obviously you see the best in him.

53:05 Yeah, I mean, I still think he's got a chance of. I don't know how he's gonna crawl out of the debt, but I mean I would never, never let him back into my life. But I still care about the man and if he needed someone to talk to, I would talk to him. But that's where it would end. I would never let him back in my life because I will never let another man treat me like that again. No one deserves to be treated that way. It no one. There's no excuse for making that choice. To try to destroy someone Over. I mean, why not get the divorce and then go date your. Your affair partner? Why have the affair? Why do all that? Why? Why? We'll never know the answers to those things. Only they know the answer. But those are the questions that, you know, keep us up at night and we're like, well, why. Why did they do this to me? Wasn't I enough? No, it's not about us at all. We are enough. And that's what matters. Well, his. That. The. A lot of that behavior when he moved out and the things he said, those were straight. Page four and page seven of the MLC handbook, you know, so, you know, they can't.

54:16 They are so excited to get out of the house and start their new life and that immediate thing of going online and being in love and, you know, the faster they erase the past, the better for them. You know what I mean? It's. That's so typical. So, yeah, it's just so typical. It just doesn't make sense at all. Okay. Hey, you mentioned something and. And I wondered if you realize now your intuition. At one point early on. Oh, before you guys got married, it was something that happened and you had that intuition feeling. Oh, the computer. Yeah. Do you find that you listen to your. Your inner voice, your little quiet voice, your intuition more. That's funny because. So I started dating the summer after my husband left me. So before the divorce and.

55:06 Yes. Yeah. So I was still married, but I met this guy, and he had a motorcycle, and I'd never been on motorcycles before, so I was like, okay. And it just kind of happened really fast. The guy, he came in and he love bombed me, and it was just like, all this attention, and he, like, totally just was trying to tie me down right away. And my. My guts were screaming at me from day one, and I ignored them. You think after going through everything you went through, you. You wouldn't ignore them? And I ignored them, and I kept pushing those down because I just was like, well, I want someone in my life. I want to have someone to hang out with and do things with, and I want to feel connection again. So I pushed all of these gut instincts down for so long, and I just. So I started dating this guy, and it was not a good. It started out like I said, with the love bombing and tons of every road flight you could possibly think of. My God.

56:14 And we dated for a few years, and that's over now. But I will say that at least I learned something more from that relationship. And I gained some wonderful friends. I've met A lot of people in my age group, I'm in my 50s and I've talked to so many people over the last three years about things that they've been through and you find a lot of similarities. Unfortunately, in this age group of kind of been through similar situations, a lot of my friends have been through, you know, cheating husbands, cheating wives and worse. So you find your group, you find your troop, and those are the people that you know, you're going to have friendships with for the rest of your life.

57:06 But going forward, yeah, my gut instincts, I, I will never, never, never stifle my instincts again. When that inner voice starts peeking up, you got to listen to it because that means something is wrong. And I don't know if it's God talking to you or the universe, but it's there, it's there for a reason. Because something, something inside of you is putting up that defense mechanism that something is wrong and you need to address it. I addressed numerous things with the gentleman I was dating, but it never went anywhere. He, I think he had some narcissistic tendencies, very selfish, self centered guy. He was nice enough to everyone else and he wasn't a horrible person, but he just, it was not a good fit for us. So.

57:56 Another learning experience. I'm done with Learning experiences at 55, please. To the universe, please. I'm done. But I, but I have just recently started dating another wonderful man. It's very new, it's only been about four weeks and he is a complete gentleman. He's very handsome, I must say. So we're just going to take things very slow and get to know each other and see where it goes and who knows, who knows what the future holds. But I think everyone needs to keep going forward and fake it till you make it. And there's life after mlc. There's life after divorce.

58:46 There's life after this horrible journey that we've been on. It's hard to get there and it takes time. But you gotta really fake it till you make it, I guess is the best way I can say. Because you can be happy again and you've really got to, you got to dig deep and you got to explore the marriage for what it was. Take off the rose colored glasses. I know it's hard to hear when you're first in it because you want them back so bad. You want that marriage back. But you've got to grieve. The marriage is over and you got to let it go and you got to grieve. There are success stories out there. They're few and far. Um, I mean, I'm not against reconciliation, but I know it's not for me, and it took me a long time to come to that realization too.

59:34 So it's. Life is quite a freaking journey, isn't it? Mm. Wow. Okay, let me just check my notes. Oh, you too. Oh, what did your. Did you have. Was. Did you have a hard time finding folks that understood your situation? Like what you guys were going through with. With counselors, with therapists, or. No, with your friend. Friends. When you would describe his behavior with the mlc, I guess yours. The vanisher. So maybe, you know. No, because when I would talk to friends, friends that knew us, they would all tell me, well, I talked to him, and Bob seems just fine. He seems like himself. He put on a mask for everyone.

1:00:26 He was very much about maintaining his image. I'm not sure what. I haven't. No one's ever come to me and said, oh, he said you were. Blah, blah, blah. The only thing that he told me when he left the marriage was, you're boring. I want a different life. And I'm like, we've been together 23 years. You know, what are we supposed to do? Go partying every night? I mean, he wanted to go out drinking and partying all the time. I'm like, we're old. We're in our 50s. Like, let's go to dinner. How about that? You know? But he wanted this exciting life that the affair was bringing in, and that was his. One of his excuses. You're boring. But after he left, he did everything he could to maintain his image.

1:01:10 He had a very successful job when he left, and the money, I think, helped the affair because I think everything went to his head, and he felt like he was untouchable because he was making such good money. But since that now his pay has got cut in half, and now he's hurting for money. So that sure came full circle for him. But a lot of people, just When I would talk to him, they'd be like, we don't know what he's thinking. I mean, they see her and they're like, she. She's disgusting. What is he thinking? He left you for her. And I'm like, hence the name Skankalicious. I don't.

1:01:51 She's not a nice person, and people don't like her. So, yeah, I also. A little up there down, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of people were kind of shocked that that's what he chose to leave me for and give up his life for A lot of people, you know, we, we. We had. A lot of people thought we had a good life. So there was some shock in, in friends, in our friends. Um, there are some of our friends that now he's in debt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's. Karma. Karma is starting to rear its ugly head for him. Um, and I'd like to say I, I feel sorry for him, but these are all things that I told him were going to happen when he left.

1:02:32 Like, you know, I tried to rationalize and warn. Yeah. And there's no, there's no rationalizing with them. They're so. They're so in love at that point that life is beautiful for them and nothing bad's ever gonna happen because they're with their true love. Oh, soulmate, actually. Yeah. Teenagers in heat. Soul. So. So, Janie, do you feel like. So tell us about some things you've. That have you've noticed now about yourself. It's been a few years. Do you feel like you're. There's a stronger you now or, you know, do you have new hobbies, interests, pass chasing new passions and dreams?

1:03:12 Well, at the time that he. When he left me, I was unemployed and I had come. I had just come to the end of a pretty good career that I had, and I was able to take a job with a company that allows me to work from home. And I love it. It's given me so much freedom in my life. I've become obsessed with fitness and lifting weights, and I'm in the best shape of my life. Call it a revenge body, call it what you want, but my God, I haven't looked this good since I was 21 years old, minus the wrinkles. But wait, does it have something to do with your job? Well, because I work from home, it gives me time to. I don't have that workout. Yeah. So I. It just. It just feels like I have so much because I punch in, I punch out. I'm.

1:04:04 More time for you. Yeah, so I've got more time for me. And so I get. I get workouts in every day and eating healthy and planning my meals, and I've really come to enjoy my space and making the house my own. I've thought about selling it because at first it held too many memories and I haven't really changed it that much, but it's mine now. It's my house and I like it. And who knows what the future holds? I don't know where I'm going to be, so for now, I'm going to stay right here. And enjoy my space and just continue living. As far as me, I think I'm. I think that I'm finally starting to become this positive person, and I feel more upbeat and positive and happy. And I remember in the marriage, I hated my job and I hated the commute to work and. And when I look at myself, you know, there's a lot of things that I was unhappy about, but I stuffed it all down. I don't stuff stuff down anymore. Something bothers me, I speak up. I'm not afraid to tell somebody that what I need from them, you know, if that conversation arises. I find myself being pretty blatantly honest with people now, whether they like it or not.

1:05:35 But yeah, and it feels good. It's freeing. Very freeing when you can finally. You don't have to. Oh, how can I say this? There are so many things I buried to protect my husband's reputation, and I don't have that for anyone anymore. I feel a freedom in my life now, and I feel light. I feel like there's this weight that just gone out of me. Letting go of the ex husband, letting go of the past. It just lightens you in a way that I can't explain. But I've. I've felt this has really started within the last probably three months where I've really gotten to the point of this feeling of just feeling so light and unburdened by everything that has happened. And I actually, on one of the conversations I had with Bob, I did tell him, I said, you know, I actually forgive you. I'm in a really good place and I forgive you. And he, of course, thought I was forgiving him for him. I was doing it for me.

1:06:44 And I think the act of seeing that damn was like, that stepping point of like, total release of the past and such a freeing feeling when you can finally go, I want to be okay without him. I'm going to be just fine. And my life's going to keep going, and it's. I'm going to make it what I want to be determined at this point. But we'll see. And our lives are always to be determined. Married, single, divorce, whatever, you know, and so you've really set a lot of little gemstones there. And so any other final words of wisdom for somebody new that's going through this in the beginning, I mean, to see that where you are now. And I remember being.

1:07:30 Knowing you through group counseling and stuff, when it was you were not at the point you are now. Myself too. Yeah. When you're first, it's so hard to see the light through the forest. And it's gonna. It's a journey. It's a long journey. Get in counseling, talk to friends, try to. I mean, I can remember the days calling my sister, having anxiety attacks. I mean, I was on some anxiety medication for a little while, and that helped me when it got really bad. I know how hard it can be, but reach out to people in the group because someone's going to be in there to. To catch you and help you through it. So there's moments where you feel like you're not going to make it. You're going to make it.

1:08:22 If it's a minute at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time, you'll get there. It's a journey. But I did a lot of reading. I did a lot of meditation. I can't. The therapist. It takes a while to find a good therapist. When you find a good one, they are a godsend. But being in the group and reading the stories and trying as hard as you can to detach, you know, not accepting those breadcrumbs. I know. You know, we talk about no contact a lot, and sometimes that's possible, sometimes it's not. If you have children. I don't know how I would have done this if we would have had children together. So that, to me, is unbelievable.

1:09:11 I don't know how. How we can deal with that, but you just gotta get up each day and keep going and remind yourself that you're worth it. This is. We have one life to live and we can't. I mean, I spent a long time grieving the marriage and grieving the man that I knew. But you know what? We have one life to live, and we can't redo it. We can't change the past. The only thing we can do is keep moving forward and find out what else is out there for us. And there's good men out there. There's a happy life somewhere out there. We gotta go find it. You gotta make it happen. But you'll get through it. It takes time. It takes time.

1:09:54 Yep. Okay. Well, that's. You know, what I have to say. I'm glad Bob messed up there and got a little sick because it really opened the door for you to. To. To be let out of that cage so that you could, you know, find a whole new future that I think is going to be a lot more fulfilling than, you know, it's looking pretty. Promising right now, so. Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited about the future now. I never thought I would say that, but, yeah, I'm excited about my end. Summer's almost here, so it's going to be another summer of yes. And actually, you know what? I want to say that I, I, I found myself. I did the same. Everything was yes, yes, I'm doing, you know, no matter the season.

1:10:38 I live in a very yes mode now. And. And I really embrace that, you know. Yeah, Yeah. I did some crazy stuff that summer, but. And I didn't want to. I wanted to stay curled up on my couch with my cats and watch tv, and I did not. But I was like, my girlfriend became my partner in crime that summer, and anytime she asked me to do something, yes, that was my answer. It didn't matter if I was tired, if I was sad, whatever. I put on my makeup and I looked fabulous and I went out that door, and that's what started. I can honestly say that's what started my healing journey. Now. It was a bumpy road, and I made mistakes along the way, but we're human. We're going to make mistakes. But, yeah, try it. Try the summer of yes.

1:11:28 And you're still in that mode. Yeah, absolutely. What? What? I'm definitely in the yes mode this year, too. This summer is going to be fab. Good. Another summer of yes, I think. But now I'm willing. Now I want. Right. She doesn't have to drag you off the couch. The cats are like, is, Is mom ever going to be home? That's going to be the summer. Yep. Yep. For sure. Yeah. I mean, there's, there's, there's. We're not the only ones that there's so many, unfortunately, there's a lot of us that have all gone through it. And meeting the people that I've met in the last three years, I've met a lot of people that have been through this and, and even things that are worse than my story. And those are. That's your tribe. Those are the people that you're going to find your common ground with. And you know what? They're going to be your true friends going forward. They're going to be people you're taking life. Yeah. For the rest of your life. Because. Yeah. When you find them, you know.

1:12:32 You know, you know when you found your tribe because you start talking and then all of a sudden you realize you went through it, too. And you went through it and. Oh, my God. It's. Unfortunately, it's a lot more common than we think. And that's sad. I don't know what's going on with the world today. But it's horrible. But I mean, you got to find your happiness out there. You got to let the past go. Yep. And you know, it's been going on, I guess for centuries. We didn't realize as much and still going on and it probably will for a long time and at least we're proof that people can get through it and thrive. Yes, absolutely.

1:13:13 Y there is life out there. All right, hang in there. I'm going to sign us off. So yeah, all you viewers, you heard, listeners, you heard what Janie said. Just hang in there and have your summer of yes this year. So thanks for joining us today. And yeah, just think positive, follow your intuition and have the summer of yes.

1:13:58 Thanks again you guys for tuning in to midlife crisis Bomb drop and beyond. We have passed over a thousand downloads. We have hundreds of subscribers, if not over a thousand or two thousand already. And so you don't miss an episode, be sure to like or subscribe. Um, so I just want to say thank you. I'm how grateful I am for every single one of you that's listening and that has taken the time to to be interviewed and appear on this show. I have a waiting list of people I'm trying to get to. So hang in there. We will get to you. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad to hear that everybody is enjoying the show so much and I know it provides a lot of support.

1:14:39 So thank you so much for that. And if you've been through a midlife crisis or been impacted by someone else's and you want to share your story, I'd love to hear from you. Please reach out to me. Trina lairdmail.com you can also find me on Facebook lcbombdrop or Instagram mlcbombdrop. So reach out however you like. Your voice matters. Your story could be the one that helps someone else feel seen, heard and understood. Until next time, take care and keep standing in your truth.

1:15:23 Hey, do you think maybe you're having a midlife crisis? Do you think somebody close to you is having a midlife crisis? Well, check out the two minute quiz at midlife crisis marriage advocate.com go check it out. It's free. You can answer a few questions and you'll give you a little insight. So again, it's midlife crisis marriage advocate.com.