When Love Faces Midlife: A Story of Transformations

0:13 Hello there and welcome to our show today, Midlife crisis, bomb drop and beyond. I'm going to start with a little background on what we call midlife crisis. We're going to refer to it often as mlc, which stands for midlife crisis. You're going to hear about the midlife crisis spouse and then you'll also hear about the left behind spouse known as the LBs. You'll hear words like bomb drop and tunnel. And I'll give you a little background on those too. You know, midlife crisis is often dismissed as a cliche, but the reality is actually far more serious. During this period of midlife crisis, the individual undergoing that experience, they have a profound psychological and emotional upheaval. It often leads them to make impulsive and self dest decisions. Despite the clear signs of instability, MLC individuals are still currently allowed to like, file for divorce, sell their family homes, make irreversible financial and legal choices, often to the devastation of their long term spouses and families.

1:18 I'll tell you a little about bomb drop. The bomb drop that we're going to be talking about in almost every episode is actually the moment when a person, often the spouse, unexpectedly announces that they want a divorce, a major life change, or they suddenly adopt an entirely new personality. There's some symptoms of that, such as going from a loving spouse to all of a sudden committed to being cold, indifferent, cruel. They rewrite history. They can claim they've never been happy despite years of apparent contentment. And I mean even 20, 30, 40 years being happily married. And then all of a sudden you wake up one morning and they say, you know what honey, I, I haven't been happy for 40 years, so you can see where I'm going. It's a little, little disconcerting to the, the left behind spouse. And you know, you feel like you're, the rug's been pulled out from under you. There's horrendous discard you're going to be hearing about because it's just not like a normal breakup. It's, it's pretty different. Many bomb droppers become infatuated with a new partner. This is known as limerence. You'll hear that word every now and then as well.

2:28 I already mentioned, they often file for divorce. Suddenly they liquidate assets. For the spouse on the receiving end, it often feels like their world has exploded. Hence the term bomb drop. Many struggle to reconcile the sudden change as the MLC person appears almost unrecognizable. Some later regret their choices, but by then the damage is often extensive. And irreparable. So thank you for joining us today because now you're going to hear from people from around the world as they tell their story from Bomb drop and beyond.

3:10 The stories and events discussed in this podcast are based on personal experiences and are intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. They should not be considered legal, medical or professional advice. Any names, locations or identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any similarities to actual persons, living or dead, or real events are purely coincidental. The views and opinions expressed by guests are their very own and do not necessarily reflect those of the host or the podcast creators. Listeners should consult with a qualified professional regarding their own circumstances. Well, welcome everybody today and welcome to guests all the way from Europe and where we've got our guest today that's going to tell us a little bit bit about her story. Go ahead and just start and you can tell our viewers about your story. Maybe a little history leading up to the bomb drop. And bomb drop means the day she found out that her life was going to take a different direction. So go ahead. Thank you for inviting me. Well, Our story started 45 years ago. Sweet 16 for me first love.

4:17 He was 19 years old. Fast forward. It was a marriage with difficulties. I was attracted by his emotional stability which appeared to be later on rather a dissociative coping strategy from an avoidant attachment style. This avoidance style became clear during disagreements. He would give me the silent treatment instead of talking out problems. During the silent treatment, for instance, you would speak to me but not in a friendly atmosphere. It could do like for three weeks and my personality is rather direct and confrontational and that it was not helping at all and this would be very triggering for him. Also he kept me always at arm's length by working very hard, having clearly other priorities than myself. He was being part of a sports team as well. That was one of his priorities.

5:19 That being said, my husband ex husband was very entrepreneurial, fun to live with and he had a cheerful personality. So years went by. We were blessed with two beautiful sons. Ex husband made an extraordinary beautiful house in a breathtaking natural location. During this period his brother passed, followed later on by his sister. When ex husband approached retirement, he started talking about selling our house as this house is located in the best nature scenery.

6:03 I couldn't understand why he stated that retirement the house would be way too expensive for us to keep. He wanted to move to our son's place or he would be building another house, but we had to leave. At the same time my ex husband became less cheerful. He reconnected with his favorite youth sports team in his late 50s, early 60s. First bum drop. Ex husband arrived with two sons at a house. He had to convince me concerning the sale of the house. So, reinforced by the two sons, a year went by. On a Sunday morning, while I was visiting my parents, my ex husband left with his van.

6:59 We were in no contact during the entire month he was traveling abroad. After this month, he returned home with a proposition to continue the relationship on condition that I changed two things that would make our relationship more positive. Time went by and things did not really turn out in the good direction. I started several times couples therapy at a therapist's place. He would always talk about a house sale. Then, very suddenly, one of our best friends died. My husband was very shocked about his passing.

7:40 The shock pulled him out of MLC or out of the crisis. All of the sudden, he saw the light again and he recognized his priorities in life, which seemed to be us. Fast forward again. Ex husband bought a camper without my knowledge. He claimed the camper to be our son's property, which it wasn't. This was a major confrontation. Next day, he wanted me to contact the realtor to sell the house, which I refused. So ex husband put our house on sale without my consent.

8:22 I asked him, is this about a house? Is this about me? He replied, the house has to go and you have to take care of yourself in the future. The following days, he monstered severely. He needed to be able to travel whenever he wanted, where he wanted. Also our families of origin, they were way too different. And also he told me, you lack administrative skills, etc. Etc. He prepared the house for the sale. Eventual buyers would be visiting our house while I was walking the dogs for hours.

9:03 I then put a firm boundary. I told him, if you continue the sale, I will never look at you again. He stopped the sale, stayed another six months at home, did some traveling and eventually left. He left 3200 miles away and lived in his camper at a workaway project with youthful people building a community. He stayed there for eight months. In summer, he comes back and stays at our son's property. Helping son and his family around the house. Being with the grandchildren. We do have two grandchildren.

9:45 So he has been living abroad for three years in the winter, during eight months, the four months he comes back, we are around five to six years after my first bomb drop. But it was the third bomb drop that was the most devastating. Husband divorced me. Ex husband divorced me two months ago. He will be coming back in two months in order to Prepare the house for the sale. We are in smart contact. From what I can sense, he's still replaying avoiding and escaping. As a partner of an mlseer, we know what happens to us doesn't add up.

10:29 Sometimes we sense that the mlseer is saying the exact opposite of what he wants to say. As I was so traumatized at bomb drop, I was in a very bad place. I put all blame on myself. One year and a half later, I came across a text that listed the MLC signs. So the signs of people in midlife crisis. Exact way I experienced our breakup. I was baffled. Needless to say that this discovery was an immense relief. I could let go of all the blame I put on myself. My healing could start from then on immediately. I started a private Facebook group for people who are encountering this challenging crisis as a partner in order to be able to inform them concerning the causes, the progression.

11:27 My biggest goal at this moment is to let go of all resentment. This has to go through acknowledging the mechanism of origin of the crisis. So it has to go that way for me. We learn this way that the crisis is not the choice of the midlife crisis. Their brain chemicals are imbalanced. They have to go through an emotional individuation as the crisis seems to be a collapse of an emotional avoidance system. This avoidant attachment style find its origin in childhood emotional misattunement and or childhood trauma. The way the LBs has to go is to heal through detachment. This is a healing that can help us in different areas of life. I healed a lot.

12:19 I learned a lot. For instance, not to think things personal in life. That's where my story ends, I think for now. Or maybe I can answer some questions if you have. I'm so sorry for all this that you've gone through. How long? The total. The total. We have been married like for 38 years. Wow. And he had the three. How. How much time was in between each bomb drop? Well, I can't remember. I. Maybe I would. I would say like a year, a year and a half. Wow. So like he'd had the first one and then.

12:59 And then after. I think you said after the third death that his friend that pulled him out of the first midlife crisis and then first. Yeah, yeah. And then a few. He was really pulled out all of the sudden. Wow. Isn't that crazy? Like overnight kind of thing? Yeah. Yeah. And then. And then about a year and a half went by before he bought the van. I don't know exactly how much time it was after the first bomb drop. Because I wasn't aware of a bomb drop at all. That's true. At the time you were familiar with midlife crisis, right? I was not familiar with midlife crisis. And I put always the blame on me. I was thinking that I did all things wrong and yeah, I was confused.

13:49 Yeah, we totally get it. And so what a relief to find, to discover that there's actually a, a really specific order that the midlife crisis sort of goes through, you know, from leading up to it to the way it happens and all. And actually in your situation, because they do say that for a male, a midlife crisis could last anywhere from three to 10 years. So when that, when his friend died, he wasn't even finished with his crisis. He just came right out of it and then he went back in. And it's crazy that you say this because we hear this a lot, that if somebody, you know, that they could be pulled out too early and then they go back and they say that it can be the, it can be worse. The second time, did you feel like it was a little worse the second. Time I had, I had three times.

14:38 The third was really with severe monstering. Wow. Was very traumatizing. While the first two, he was always talking about selling the house and I, I didn't feel concerned. I was thinking, oh, we're going to solve this problem. There will be a solution. The grandchildren will be there and he will change his mind and like that. But the house sale, I don't know. I didn't understand why do we had to sell the house? Yeah, yeah. And that's interesting because it sounds like he was thinking of that for years beforehand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this house was his pride and this pride didn't make him happy.

15:25 So he had to get rid of it. That's my opinion, my insight. Wow. He had to get rid of everything that didn't make him happy, so to speak. The house, me. It was even he was talking about the neighbors. All of a sudden the neighbors weren't, weren't good enough anymore. Something he never, he never told me. Do you know if he had an affair partner during any of those periods. While he was living in. He's living in winter in, on the island like 3200 kilometer miles away. I know during one winter he was living with a lady. And of course he's saying, what he's telling me is he was co housing. Yeah, it was co housing. Right. I can't, I can't control it. It's.

16:17 It's far away from me and I Have no interest in knowing neither, because it was. It will not help me. Yep. Wow. And how did you discover like, you know, the. How did you hear about midlife crisis? Had you heard of it before and had you thought like many people think, oh, it, somebody's getting Botox or they're getting a new car? No, it was on the Internet that I, that I came across this list with the signs, the signs of midlife crisis written on. And so you took the test and realized, oh, wow, he's checking off all. No, no, no, it wasn't a test. It was written like this. All of a sudden your husband becomes monstering and you are the blame of everything. He changes his personality like 180 degrees. He wants to be youthful again. He's afraid of dying. He wants to live.

17:10 My husband at third bomb drop. He was telling me I have to travel, I have to travel. I have to be able to stand wherever in the world whenever I want. And I told him, but go, go and travel. We will see in two years when you come back. No, no, no, no. He wanted to leave everything behind. It was very devastating. So I have my profession in the house. Yeah. And then for our viewers that may not know what monstering means, could you just describe monstering? Yeah, the, the monstering. Like we, we have some. How to say.

17:56 I can't, I can't find the words in English. We have some words we use specifically for the, for the midlife crisis. Monstering means that he's putting all the blame on me. He's not taking responsibility whatsoever for nothing at all. Yeah, he's blaming me like for having. Not the same humor as he has. We are like 42 years together. All of the sudden he doesn't like my kind of joking or I don't like his kind of joking. Our families of origin are. I'm lacking, lacking skills, administrative skills.

18:42 Yeah, These are all reasons, stuff like that. You're thinking we've been together 40 years. You know, but it was true. I am lacking all kind of things, but I'm lacking them since forever. Right, right. Well, okay, so let's see. Well, okay, looking back, did you, do you now see any red flags? Sort of like some people say, it's like. Yeah, it's like you look back, well, wow, that was. Yeah, the red, the red flags were. The red flags were that he was not treating me as a priority. He kept me always at arm's length, which is typically for avoidant attachment style people. So he was really, really hard worker. There's also a coping Mechanism to keep to not being too engaged in the family or in the romantic atmosphere.

19:44 Yeah. And the silent treatments. I tried to talk out problems. I couldn't because he wouldn't listen to me. He walked away. Wow. And so did you learn about attachment styles and all these things after, like, later? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Because I was very eager to know the depth of the origin. That's my healing. Yep. And now, you know, not to take it personally, it wasn't you. I mean, no matter who he was with, this was going to happen, you know?

20:25 And you guys have kids and grandchildren. How's that going? I have two sons who are avoidant as well. So I'm not going to say that they stand by their father, but they comprehend their father because they act the same way. I think they took him as a role model. And maybe my attachment style wasn't perfect as well. I think I was rather disorganized, attached. Wow. Is there anything you wish you knew before the bomb drops?

21:11 Yes, of course, because I went in a very bad place at the third bomb drop. I was really in a bad place. So if I knew that the blame wasn't to put all on me, wouldn't have gone so deep. You mentioned you were in counseling or with a therapist. Yeah, we tried couples therapy three times, but he was always talking about the house sale. And then. Yeah, a lot of times I hear that counselors may not realize that there's the ML.

21:51 No, no, no, no, no. Counselors. They say you have to live your life. So leave. Wow. Must have been upsetting too. Well, how's, like, what's life like now? Now you guys are. You're preparing to sell. Yes, because the house is too big for me and now it's too expensive for me to keep it. I can't buy him out. I have to search another place and where I can work, do my work. And so he. Yeah. And he wants half of the money to. Yeah, to live his life, I think. Yep. Wow. So how are you handling this? And, you know, are you looking forward to the future? Have you sort of, you know, do you think you guys would ever reconcile? Like, you know, what do you see in the future? Yeah. Yes, of course. The man who is now. I don't want him. If, you know the phenomenon, mlc, the. The personality changes. Yeah. It's not the man I want to be with at this moment. So the future is still open for me. So if he is able to look into his. To do his shadow work as we go, to look into his own Weaknesses or can he have remorse? Yeah, that would be an. An open gate, maybe. I don't know, an open door. I don't know.

23:20 I'm living my life. I try to live my life and I don't know at all the way he is now. No, no. Right. Because he's not the man you fell in love with and married, that's for sure. No, no, no, no, no. And you guys, this has been going on about six years overall. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Five to six years somewhere. He could be nearing the end eventually. And I guess you've seen it happen before where it's almost overnight situation. Wow. Well, are there things that you'd like the listeners today to take away from, you know, if you were to give people any advice or little words of encouragement if they're, if they're, you know, going through this?

24:03 Yes, I can. I can tell that to inform myself about the origin of midlife crisis is to take it not personal. It's very, very difficult. It's really a challenge to not take this personal. Exactly. You know, I get it. And it's sad when people are going through this and they don't realize that it's not them. It's not them. Yeah. It's just like a disease, you know, that's affecting your family. And instead of just affecting one person, it's affecting, you know, more than just that one person. Yes. Often children are involved in the midlife crisis.

24:52 Doesn't care anymore about his own children. It's unbelievable. And thank you for spreading the awareness. This is a great work. Oh, thanks. Well, you know, it is. It's so important, like you said, that people that are going through it, what we call LBs, the left behind spouses, it's so important that they know it's not them. And it's a disease, I'll just refer to it, I guess, as a disease. But, you know, we. And there's nothing, there's no way to pull the person out. And just like you saw firsthand when your husband did come out, he came out too early and he hadn't gone through the whole crisis. And. And then like you said, it was even worse later. So, yeah, yeah, he came out of the crisis, but he was telling me I had to change 10 things positively not him. So he wasn't, he wasn't ready at all. Yeah. Wow.

25:48 He still put the blame on me. I had to change everything. And I believed him. Because, you know. Exactly. Because, you know, you're thinking rationally and, you know, like a rational person would think that, you know, like work together to make it happen. Let's, you know. Because you took vows. Well, you know, you sound super resilient and positive and like a strong person and, you know, it's great. I'm glad you're keeping the door open for the future because none of us know what. Hold. What. The future. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I don't. I don't want to pronounce myself now in any direction. Bye. So. So, Jane, what would you like listeners to take away from today?

26:34 Yes, that's a good one. As in general is blamed by the husband, the LBs, the left behind spouse. She takes the blame on herself or on himself for the man. Then I want to say mlc, midlife crisis is not your fault. MLC is childhood trauma, which then happened long time before the left behind spouse appeared on stage. People who have an avoidant attachment style tend to compartmentalize difficult emotions, which means they don't experience later on in midlife.

27:16 Emotional intense incidents trigger this avoiding coping mechanism and this coping mechanism implodes or collapses. Well, that's. Hello, crisis. The crisis starts then. I'd like to refer to some interesting resources. We can find a lot of information at the Hero Spouse website and the Facebook group. It's a private Facebook group. I'd like to call Hart's Blessings book, the eight stages of Midlife, the bible of mlc. It's based on the grief stages from Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Jim Conway adopted them to the midlife, adapted them to the midlife crisis. The book from Terence Real is very insightful.

28:07 It's called I Don't want to talk about It. It's about male. It describes male depression. Then we also have. The title is I Don't want to talk about It. Okay, thanks. Yeah. Then we still have Jonas Webb. She has written a great book on childhood emotional neglect. The name of the book is Running on Empty. The book Attached provides clean insight in attachments disorders. Written by Amir or Amir, I don't know how you pronounce it. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The name of the book is Attached. So it's about attachment disorders. Very, very insightful and can be. Yeah. Insightful for midlife crisis.

28:59 I think I just named some interesting books to start with. Yeah, that's it, as a matter of fact. Wow. Well, those are wonderful resources. Thank you so much, Jane, because that is a huge thing. Especially when somebody's new to this and they're looking for answers because nothing makes sense. So thank you so much for providing those resources. And if anybody has questions, they can reach out to us. I believe my email's on the podcast somewhere and we can always get you more information. Well, Jane, did you have anything else to add for today? No, I just want to thank you that I had occasion to share my story.

29:40 Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right, thank you listeners and thank you, Jane for this insightful info and I'm sure we'll be talking again soon. Thanks guys. Thank you for joining us today as we discuss this topic. You know the mental health community has yet to formally classify midlife crisis as a psychological impairment with real world consequences similar to what you've heard today. Research suggests that MLC can involve symptoms similar to depression, identity crisis, and even dissociative states. Like other conditions that impair judgment, such as manic episodes and bipolar disorder or temporary psychosis, MLC often leads individuals to make reckless decisions similar to that that they later end up regretting if a person is in a psychiatric crisis. If a person in a psychiatric crisis cannot legally sign contracts or make major life decisions without oversight, why should an individual in the throes of a midlife crisis be allowed to dismantle a marriage, sell a home, or drain shared finances without safeguards? We believe legal protections must be implemented to prevent MLC driven destruction of families. Legal reforms should be considered such as waiting periods for major decisions. Just as there are waiting periods for gun purchases and other high risk actions.

31:02 A mandatory reflection period should be instituted before finalizing divorce or selling shared property. During an mlc, there could be legal oversight for spousal protection if one spouse claims the other is in a midlife crisis. Courts should require mediation and mental health assessments before irreversible legal actions can be taken. It's our efforts through this podcast that more awareness can be brought to this situation so that going forward, you know society already protects people from self harm. In cases of severe mental illness. Similar safeguards should exist to prevent one partner from unilaterally destroying a shared life due to a temporary psychological break. Thank you for having you join us on our future shows. Thanks so much. Have a super day you guys.