What Happens When A Covert Narcissist is in MLC?

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Foreign.

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Hello friends and welcome. Midlife crisis,

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also known as mlc, is often dismissed as a cliche,

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but the reality is far more serious. During this period,

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individuals experience a profound psychological and emotional

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upheaval leading to impulsive and self destructive decisions that

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they later regret. Despite the clear signs of instability,

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MLCers are currently allowed to file for divorce and make irreversible financial

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and legal choices, often to the devastation of their long term spouses and

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families. Thank you for joining us today because now you are

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going to hear people from around the world as they tell their story

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in their own words about their bomb drops and beyond

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you.

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The stories and events discussed in this podcast are

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based on our guest experiences and are intended for informational and entertainment

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purposes only. They should not be considered legal, medical or

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professional advice. Any names, locations or identifying

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details have been changed to protect privacy. Any similarities

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to actual persons, living or dead, or real events are purely coincidental.

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The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily

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reflect those of the host or the podcast creators.

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Listeners should consult with a qualified professional

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regarding their own circumstances.

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Hello listeners, this is Trina. Thanks for joining us today.

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Um, I just got back from an awesome bucket list vacation

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in Alaska, so, and we had to reschedule some some

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of our guests. So today I am going to answer some

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questions that have come in via email and text.

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Um, and so we're just going to go through these.

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I'm going to start with today. Let's see, our first question is,

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what is a normal situation? If you have a covert narcissist

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that goes into a midlife crisis, what is

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the typical resolution for them in the end? And are they

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still a covert narcissist after they come out of the midlife crisis?

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Wow. Well, these are great questions. This is a complex and

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emotionally charged topic, especially if you've actually lived through it.

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When a covert narcissist goes into a midlife crisis, it often

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plays out with certain patterns, though every person is different.

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So I checked with some of our resources and to get

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a like a general breakdown of what happens and how it typically

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resolves or doesn't resolve itself. All right,

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so what happens when a covert narcissist has

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a midlife crisis? Well, first the

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mask slips more drastically. Covert narcs already

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have a hidden sense of superiority and deep insecurity. This is,

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you know, totally hidden. A midlife crisis can

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strip away that ability. Though for them to maintain that facade,

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they may suddenly become more erratic, entitled or cold,

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blaming their spouse for the dissatisfaction, seeking validation

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from Younger partners or chasing status symbols.

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Again, this is when their, their mask starts to slip.

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Then there can be sudden discard or devaluation.

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This is where many partners experience a shocking

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discard or emotional abandonment. Abandonment, often without

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closure. So when you hear people say the rug was

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pulled out from under them or this just happened overnight,

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you know, it felt to them that it happened overnight because

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they weren't aware of what was going on behind the mask.

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The narcissist may rewrite history, painting themselves

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as the victim. And they justify extreme behavior as quote,

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unquote, finding themselves. And they expect everybody to

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be so happy for them because they've quote, unquote found themselves.

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And they have a brand new life, so there's

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new supply and grandiosity. This is where they often seek out a

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new relationship or maybe even a passion that reinforces their ego.

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They may appear euphoric at first, like love bombing a new partner

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and convincing themselves that they found real happiness.

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Let me tell you.

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And throughout the mlc, the COVID narcissist is still deeply

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concerned with how they appear to others, often manipulating narratives to

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maintain their image. So that's a really, apparently that's a really consistent,

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important thing with narcissists, whether it be covert

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or grandiose. Okay, so let's

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see. I think this is part two of that question. What is the typical

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resolution for them? So sadly,

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they rarely grow from it. Unlike healthier individuals

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who might use a midlife crisis as a time of growth and self awareness,

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covert narcissists typically do not gain insight.

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They blame others and remain stuck in a cycle of projection

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and denial. They often

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will wear a new mask, but the same pattern.

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So if they settle into a new relationship or a new phase of life,

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it may look different externally, but the underlying narcissistic

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behavior remains. They often repeat the same patterns

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with new partners or in new environments.

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So same patterns, new partners

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that just are not aware of, you know, they just don't see it.

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Yet in some cases,

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when admiration or validation, Validation, validation runs dry,

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they may face a narcissistic collapse, which is

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depression, anxiety, health problems or substance

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abuse and issues. But even then it rarely leads to true

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accountability or empathy, which is really sad because you

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know, when somebody goes through a midlife crisis, I mean the

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more they can make it like a midlife transition and make it more

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of a glow up of their life and sort of,

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you know, really embrace

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their age and, and make the most

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of their, their life, the better. But when, when it results

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in what we call a crisis, which is Sort

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of destruction of everything around them. That's what's really sad,

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you know, and, and it's really hard for them to pick up the pieces of

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that and put it all together. Sort of like a big game

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of Jenga. All right, let's see

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part three of that question. Are they still a covert narcissist

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after the mlc? Yes,

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sadly, a midlife crisis doesn't cure narcissism.

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In fact, it often amplifies their traits.

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They may appear more openly grandiose or entitled after

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the crisis, if they've lost their former supply,

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such as a spouse or a career, they may become bitter,

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paranoid, or victimized.

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Very rarely, if they face major consequences like public

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exposure, abandonment, emotional breakdowns,

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sometimes they may begin to question themselves. But a true personality

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change, especially for covert narcissists, is extremely

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rare and usually requires intensive long

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term therapy, which some, sadly, very many will

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avoid.

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So now I'm sort of going to walk through a typical,

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well, I'll call it a storm where a covert narcissist

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hits his, his or her midlife crisis and sort

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of we'll try to break it down like this. So first there's

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the sudden switch where

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1.

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What I'm going to do here is read

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some of the standard things that we hear from spouses,

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both from husbands and wives. So here we go. I'll. I'll say

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these in different voices to let you know, like, you know, all right,

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so here's one. Becky. We'll call her Becky.

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Becky says one day he was

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talking about our retirement plans. The next he said he never loved me. It was

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like watching a stranger wear my husband's face.

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And yes,

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Becky, that is true. That is where there's no warning

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for the silent storm that's coming and approaching. You're left questioning everything.

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You're left questioning your memory, your worth, your reality. It's just crazy.

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Becky says he painted himself as the victim and me as

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the oppressor. None of it was true, but it didn't matter.

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He needed that story to justify walking away.

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Yep, that's true. Classic narcissistic projection during an

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mlc. Covert narcissist rewrite history to protect their egos,

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casting off decades of connection like an old coat.

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Becky says,

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oh, sorry, not Becky.

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Okay, this is. We'll call him Matthew.

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Matthew says she married the affair partner.

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Now she's miserable, but somehow it's still my fault

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that she's unhappy. Yep, that's true.

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They often seek a new partner to validate their fantasy. The love bombing

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begins again. But it won't last. It never does.

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All right, now we are back to Becky. He's on his third

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girlfriend now. He hasn't seen our kids in over a year.

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He's still telling people that I was the problem. But when I see

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him, there's nothing behind his eyes. They're like snake eyes,

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just black and dark eyes.

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Yup. Eventually, the fantasy cracks. But for many,

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that realization never turns actually inwards. The narcissist moves from

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one stage prop to another, never truly changing, just same

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story, different victims. And here

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we have Becky again. I thought it was just a face,

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but now I see it for what it was. Narcissism finally unmasked.

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Yep. With time and distance, survivors begin to see clearly what

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felt like sudden chaos was, in fact, the mask slipping.

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And here we have Matthew. You know, I thought I was crazy. I thought

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it was my fault. I thought I ruined our marriage. But once I understood

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the pattern that covert narcissism, the midlife

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crisis, I actually began to feel peace.

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And I realized it wasn't me. It was never me.

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Yep, that's where we end. Not with them, but with you.

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With healing, with truth, with your voice finally being heard.

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You.

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If you have lived through the storm, you are not alone.

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Midlife crisis and narcissistic behavior can destroy

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relationships, but they can't erase your truth.

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If this episode resonated with you, please share it. And remember,

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you are not crazy. You are simply waking up.

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Oh, actually, before we get to the tips, I've,

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we'll go back to one of the other questions.

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Okay. What type of person is a covert narcissist attracted

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to? Well, that's a really interesting question.

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So I was like, what? Are they attracted to certain type of personalities?

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Well, lo and behold, the answer could be yes.

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Apparently, covert narcissists are typically drawn to people who will fulfill

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their emotional needs while allowing them to maintain control

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and superiority, often without overt

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confrontation. Here are some common traits that covert narcissists

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are attracted to. They are attracted

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to empathetic and compassionate people, drawn to those with

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a strong sense of empathy because those individuals are more likely

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to tolerate mistreatment and make excuses for bad behavior.

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They're attracted to high achievers or strong individuals.

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Ironically, covert narcissists may be attracted to confident,

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capable people because they want to absorb that shine,

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that status or energy. But over time, they may try to

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diminish or control it so that they can maintain power.

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They're attracted to people with poor boundaries. Lack of boundaries

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makes it easier for the narcissist to manipulate, guilt and

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gaslight their partner.

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Covert narcissists often present themselves as victims

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or misunderstood. So someone with a desire

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to help or save others is a prime target.

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They need constant validation and attention. So they're drawn to

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partners who are deeply loyal and emotionally generous.

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They're also attracted to people who avoid conflict.

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Since COVID narcissists use like

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passive aggression and silent treatments,

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someone who hates conflict is more likely to put up with their

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behavior.

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Let's see.

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And then in midlife crisis,

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what kind of person are they drawn to?

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So in midlife crisis, people often feel lost,

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dissatisfied or desperate to reclaim youth, freedom or

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missed what they perceive as missed opportunities. And because of

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that mindset, they're typically drawn to individuals who reflect

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the fantasy or escape that they're chasing that they think they

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missed out on. So not necessarily someone who's genuinely

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compatible or emotionally safe. And here's

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the type of person someone in midlife crisis is most likely

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to be drawn to. First,

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they're attracted to younger or youthful individuals.

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This helps them feel younger themselves or regain a

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sense of vitality that they feel that they've lost.

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They're often drawn to people who feed their ego,

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those who admire or idolize them,

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especially if they're feeling invisible or undervalued in their current

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life, which is obviously common. If you've been with

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somebody 20, 30, 40 years, you know,

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so, okay, item number three would be fun,

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spontaneous and uncomplicated people.

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Mlcers often seek relief from responsibilities or

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emotional depth. So they go for partners who seem light hearted,

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adventurous and drama free.

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They look for somebody new and different. The appeal is often in what the

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person represents, like a new identity, a new lifestyle,

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or a way to escape from the routine.

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They're looking for somebody emotionally or psychologically less

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demanding. They might avoid deep, mature connections

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because those actually demand introspection and accountability

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and consistency. And those are things that are,

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you know, somebody in MLC is running from. They do not want

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introspection. They do not want accountability and

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or consistency. Who they

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may project their fantasy of who they wish they had become onto this new person.

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It's less about love and more about self image. What's wild is

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that the person they leave behind is often the one who actually saw them,

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supported them and loved them deeply.

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Let's see. MO Most commonly mlsers

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fair down, which means they choose someone who is less emotionally mature,

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less accomplished or independent.

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They may project their fantasy of who they wish they had become onto this

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new person. It's less about love and More about self image.

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You most

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people in a midlife crisis affair down which means they get involved

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with someone who from the outside seems like a downgrade

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compared to their spouse or long term partner. And why do they do

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this, you ask? Well, first it's an ego boost.

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The new person is usually more admiring, less challenging,

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makes them feel special without requiring deep effort.

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They also feel more powerful in this new relationship dynamic

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where somebody's, you know, making them feel really good about themselves admires them.

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They subconsciously, they know this relationship isn't built

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to last. So it therefore it feels safe. It's like a little fantasy.

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And there's an avoidance of reality. The new partner might not know the real

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them, so they get to live in a fantasy version of themselves as well.

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Oftentimes the person they're attracted to is also in

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a midlife crisis of sorts.

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There's also the hero mode or the savior complex. In some cases,

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especially when there's unresolved guilt or they still want to appear

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morally justified. The MLC person might try to rescue

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someone. A single parent, a struggling friend, or someone emotionally

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wounded. They, they need to, they. And why does

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this happen? It's because they need to feel needed to

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mask their inner feelings of failure or decline.

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So it, it covers up their, it, it, it hides

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their feelings of failure or decline and gives them something

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to feel good about. It creates a narrative where they're able to be the good

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guy. They can say, I didn't destroy my family, I found

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someone who needed saving. So they're a hero to

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somebody else. It could be a hero to a stranger, it doesn't matter.

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It rationalizes their abandonment. They can say,

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you know what? My spouse is so strong, they didn't need me, they'll be

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fine. But this person needs me and that's where I need to be.

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So the bottom line on that is most MLC individuals

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are not really thinking clearly at all. They're driven by fear,

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they're driven by ego, driven by fantasy and denial.

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Whether they affair down or play the hero, the goal is usually the same.

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Escape responsibility, avoid self reflection and

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feel temporarily better about themselves.

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So now we're going to talk about some, some tips for you guys.

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So here we go and

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we have some tips today on waking up

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from nar narcissistic abuse.

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So first and accept the chaos of the wake up.

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You may feel anger, grief, relief, disbelief all at once.

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That's normal, it's not linear. You're grieving the illusion

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of the person and the life you thought you had. Not Just the actual events.

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So give yourself permission to feel everything. Journal it,

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scream it, cry it. Don't bottle it up.

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Just face it and feel

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it. Step two, you want to break

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the cognitive dissonance. Abusers create a double reality.

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Love bombing and cruelty, praise and punishment.

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You probably learned to minimize or rationalize this

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kind of relationship to or abuse

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in order to survive. So write down examples of their behavior side

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by side with how it made you feel.

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Reality testing is key. Gaslighting thrives

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in confusion. So remember that. So seriously,

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write down little things that you remember and how it made you feel.

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Number three, you want to go no contact or low contact. If possible,

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cut ties with this person completely.

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If, if not, if you're co parenting, you know, go low contact.

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Use the gray rock method. Be boring, be unemotional,

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give minimal responses, block them on everything

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you can and stop hoping they'll change or they'll,

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they'll give you closure. Because you're going to be waiting a long time. That closure

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may never come. And that's another topic for another day because there's going

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to be two types of closure. There's guilt and

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there is remorse. And those are two totally different things,

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especially if you're dealing with somebody who is narcissistic. And we'll, we'll talk about that

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another day. Number four, you want to

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learn for sure. You want to learn about narcissistic abuse, whether it's

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grandiose, covert,

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malignant, There's a variety of types of narcissism.

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And everybody does have a little bit of narcissistic personality

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traits, but it's the ones that are consistent and

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overwhelmingly a large part of somebody's personality that

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we're talking about here. So learn about narcissistic abuse because knowledge

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is power. Understanding terms like trauma, bonding,

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hoovering, love bombing, and projection are going to help you

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depersonalize what happened.

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There's a lot of experts out there. I mean, every day I feel like

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there's more another new expert out there. So one of

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my favorites is Tony Overbay. He's got an awesome podcast called Waking

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up to Narcissism. So check out Tony Overbay

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on. He's on, you know, every. Wherever you watch your

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podcast, like this one, but Tony Overbay,

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and it's called Waking up to Narcissism. And then you've also got

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Jordan Peterson, a lot of good content on

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narcs narcissism. We've got Paula with Narc

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Khan and I believe she might just have a new book out and that's Paula

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with her dog Remy, and her podcast is called Narc

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Con. And there's Chris Reese. She has

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an excellent podcast, talks a lot about narcissism.

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And let's see, there's also Andrew with Narc Daily.

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So anyway, lots of information out there and

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it's really important that you learn about this because then you'll understand

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that how you were a victim of this and it's,

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it's like it's not your fault. You're dealing with a personality type that

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you obviously trusted and

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had no knowledge of how to deal with narcissists. But knowing

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is the first step in, you know, moving forward from that.

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And let's see, then we've got step number five of

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tips for waking up from narcissistic abuse.

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Rebuild your self worth. Your sense of self was likely eroded slowly,

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but this is your moment to reclaim your identity. Start small.

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Like, what do you, like what do you want to do? You can do affirmations,

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you could do therapy. Surround yourself with safe people,

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you know, hopefully people who understand what is. Because really

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being in a situation like midlife crisis or

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00:23:42,670 --> 00:23:47,094
having a relationship breakup through narcissistic

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00:23:47,222 --> 00:23:50,950
behavior is not just, it's, it's way worse than a

365
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bad breakup. It's nervous system level trauma.

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Your body may still be in a fight, flight freeze state.

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So you really want to, you have to deal with that or you

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will probably end up getting sick. Try somatic

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practices like breath work, yoga, emdr,

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trauma, informed therapy, and let

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yourself feel rage. It's a sign you're waking up from this.

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You're reclaiming your power. Use that fire to set boundaries,

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rights, speak, create, rebuild. Start a podcast like me,

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00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,736
but don't let it burn you. Channel that energy into something.

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Find your people. Being believed and supported is

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a total game changer. Abuse thrives in isolation.

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So find a therapist who actually gets it.

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And it can be hard. It can be really hard to find a

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therapist who gets it because I know a lot, don't like

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00:24:47,216 --> 00:24:50,744
to use acronyms a lot don't even understand

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or believe in a thing called, quote, midlife crisis.

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00:24:54,858 --> 00:24:58,122
So, but there is a lot of help out there. And this is, this has

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00:24:58,146 --> 00:25:01,370
become an epidemic. So, you know,

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00:25:01,410 --> 00:25:04,746
if, if you can't find a therapist, well, don't, don't give up.

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00:25:04,818 --> 00:25:08,714
Go find a therapist. And if you can't find a group that understands,

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00:25:08,762 --> 00:25:12,106
then start your own group, Reach out to me and I can help you connect

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00:25:12,218 --> 00:25:15,290
with others. Let's see.

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Expect setbacks. You might miss them. You might doubt yourself again.

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That's okay. You are reprogramming your mind

390
00:25:22,956 --> 00:25:26,612
after psychological warfare. So don't be so hard on

391
00:25:26,636 --> 00:25:30,308
yourself. Just, just know that

392
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every day is a step forward in a, in a much,

393
00:25:34,780 --> 00:25:37,972
in a new direction and a much better direction for

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00:25:37,996 --> 00:25:41,700
yourself. And celebrate this, this time

395
00:25:41,740 --> 00:25:45,476
of your life because this is literally, this is a total rebirth

396
00:25:45,508 --> 00:25:49,268
for you. You saw through the mask. They know you saw

397
00:25:49,324 --> 00:25:52,820
through the mask. And that means you

398
00:25:52,860 --> 00:25:56,308
are strong, you are aware and you're now ready to create

399
00:25:56,364 --> 00:26:00,560
a life rooted in truth and not in lies and

400
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:05,892
cover ups and things like that. So go out and,

401
00:26:05,996 --> 00:26:09,140
and you know, have, have a full on

402
00:26:09,260 --> 00:26:13,854
real life and not one where you're sheltered and,

403
00:26:13,942 --> 00:26:17,170
and, and not seeing the big picture.

404
00:26:18,390 --> 00:26:22,650
So that, that's really important. Let that, let your ex go forward and

405
00:26:23,270 --> 00:26:26,910
put that mask on for somebody else. And sadly,

406
00:26:26,990 --> 00:26:30,894
they'll be one day where you are. And you can refer them to my podcast

407
00:26:30,942 --> 00:26:33,570
at that time. So anyway, guys,

408
00:26:34,870 --> 00:26:37,330
you're not crazy. You are not alone.

409
00:26:38,230 --> 00:26:42,686
You're healing and that's powerful as hell. So thank

410
00:26:42,718 --> 00:26:46,766
you for writing these letters and questions and sorry

411
00:26:46,798 --> 00:26:49,806
it took me so long to, to get answers for everybody,

412
00:26:49,918 --> 00:26:53,614
but I wanted to make sure I, I reached out to, to experts in

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00:26:53,622 --> 00:26:57,278
the field and anyway, so that's that

414
00:26:57,414 --> 00:27:00,910
and join us soon for our next episode

415
00:27:00,990 --> 00:27:04,294
of Midlife Crisis, Bomb Drop and Beyond.

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00:27:04,342 --> 00:27:07,606
This is Trina. I'm signing off. Thanks again for joining us today.

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Go out and make it an awesome life. Bye guys.