Midlife Crisis Unveiled: A Guide for Partners


Midlife crisis is a profound psychological struggle often emerging between the ages of 40 and 60, marked by an identity crisis, impulsive decisions, and reevaluation of life roles. Women generally experience a five-stage process where they transition from feelings of discontent to eventual healing and acceptance. Men, on the other hand, often undergo an identity collapse driven by aging and unmet expectations, leading to impulsive actions like affairs or career changes. Although not officially recognized as a mental illness, the emotional turmoil significantly impacts spouses and families, prompting the necessity for understanding, emotional support, and sometimes professional intervention.
This episode discusses the five stages of a woman in MLC and then in the second half we discuss challenges for men in MLC especially as they awaken to the destruction that is now their life.
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,920
A midlife crisis is more than just a cultural stereotype.
2
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:21,560
It's a real psychological struggle that can surface between the ages of
3
00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:25,520
40 and 60, often triggered by
4
00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:29,190
aging, loss or unmet expectations. It can actually
5
00:00:29,690 --> 00:00:32,990
lead individuals to question their identity, make impulsive choices,
6
00:00:33,070 --> 00:00:35,630
or abruptly abandon long term commitments.
7
00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:40,270
While not officially classified yet as a mental illness,
8
00:00:40,350 --> 00:00:43,910
the emotional and relational fallout is very real, especially for the
9
00:00:44,410 --> 00:00:47,670
spouses and families left behind. This podcast gives voice to
10
00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:52,110
those living through the aftermath, exposing the hidden pain and seeking accountability,
11
00:00:52,350 --> 00:00:55,870
healing and understanding. Thank you for joining us today on
12
00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:57,830
mlc, Bomb Drop and beyond.
13
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:05,870
The stories and events discussed in this podcast are for informational
14
00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:09,510
and entertainment purposes only and should not be considered legal,
15
00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:13,030
medical or professional advice. Any names,
16
00:01:13,530 --> 00:01:17,190
locations or identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.
17
00:01:17,910 --> 00:01:20,950
Any similarities to actual persons, living or dead,
18
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:24,580
or real events are purely coincidental. The information
19
00:01:24,660 --> 00:01:28,420
presented on this podcast is for informational purposes only and should
20
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,300
not be considered as professional advice. Always consult
21
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:36,660
with a qualified expert regarding any decisions related to your specific situation.
22
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:40,740
The views expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily
23
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,940
reflect the opinions of the host or the podcast creators.
24
00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:57,540
Foreign Squad
25
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,980
thank you for joining us today. A woman's midlife
26
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,820
crisis generally has about five stages and can
27
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,980
run anywhere, apparently from from two to maybe five years max.
28
00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:15,340
It appears that women's midlife crisis tends
29
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,270
to be shorter than a male. What she generally
30
00:02:19,770 --> 00:02:22,630
feels stage one would be buildup or discontent.
31
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,470
She would feel general restlessness,
32
00:02:26,970 --> 00:02:29,830
dissatisfaction with life, irritability or sadness.
33
00:02:29,990 --> 00:02:34,230
She may express vague unhappiness like I just feel lost or
34
00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:37,990
I don't know who I am anymore and you're going to see this with
35
00:02:38,230 --> 00:02:42,310
emotional distance will begin. There might be increased criticism,
36
00:02:42,710 --> 00:02:46,440
some withdrawal, even preoccupation with appearance or
37
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:50,920
youth, lost time. And she may start going out more, joining new
38
00:02:51,420 --> 00:02:55,120
groups. And you might notice there's a little pulling away from family routines
39
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,760
as she becomes a little more independent and looking for,
40
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,960
you know, new groups. What can you
41
00:03:02,460 --> 00:03:06,160
do about that? Definitely listen empathetically without
42
00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:10,080
fixing. So just listen without fixing. I think just
43
00:03:10,580 --> 00:03:14,120
like Mel Robbins says something like would you like me to listen or
44
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,800
give advice? And, and that's a really important thing
45
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,840
to remember when you're talking with somebody is do you want to just. Do they
46
00:03:22,340 --> 00:03:25,759
just want a listener or are they looking for some advice? And it might start
47
00:03:26,259 --> 00:03:29,480
with just listening and then they might need some advice or want some advice.
48
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:34,480
So what you can do if your wife starts feeling if you see
49
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:38,840
restlessness and she's feeling lost, she tells you she doesn't know who she is,
50
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:42,940
really listen to that and definitely encourage that she
51
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,540
gets some therapy to talk about that.
52
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:50,380
Preferably with somebody who is familiar with midlife crisis.
53
00:03:51,260 --> 00:03:55,099
Don't panic, just be alert and definitely
54
00:03:55,599 --> 00:03:59,580
avoid becoming defensive or trying to force a closure on it because it, it just
55
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,660
can't close like that. Her next stage is going to be stage
56
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,280
two. That's called escape or the break.
57
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,800
When your wife enters the escape or the break, she's going to continue to
58
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:15,400
feel really overwhelmed by emotions and internal conflict.
59
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,800
She may idolize freedom, youth, or another life
60
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:23,400
completely. She may start to feel suffocated by her roles as
61
00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:27,320
a mother, a wife, an employee. So you'll
62
00:04:27,820 --> 00:04:31,160
notice those, those changes in her mood and behaviors.
63
00:04:32,090 --> 00:04:35,530
You're going to notice like sudden changes sometimes.
64
00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:39,970
She may even come home out of the blue and say she wants to
65
00:04:40,470 --> 00:04:44,050
have a separation. She might quit her job. She may change her appearance and
66
00:04:44,550 --> 00:04:47,529
make impulsive decisions. She may even start up an affair.
67
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:52,970
She may rewrite history and say, you know, I was never happy,
68
00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:56,890
you never understood me all these 15, 20, 30 years.
69
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,520
So what you can do about that, don't argue it. It's already
70
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,960
a, it's a rewritten narrative and she's rewriting it to just
71
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,400
justify her escape. What you can do is set clear
72
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:12,720
boundaries, stay calm, focus on your emotional safety
73
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,400
and, and just let, let her be that.
74
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,320
There's no convincing her she's, you know,
75
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:24,860
rational things may just drive her further away and
76
00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:28,140
you might want to seek legal and emotional support.
77
00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:31,420
If, if separation is what's going on here.
78
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,540
Stage three is going to be complete chaos and
79
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:41,180
acting out. She is going to feel a
80
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:45,180
roller coaster of euphoria and confusion, almost like a high
81
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,100
school student. She may idolize a new relationship,
82
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:52,990
she may idolize a new social group or even a new identity.
83
00:05:53,950 --> 00:05:57,190
And she won't even recognize that damage
84
00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:01,070
is being done to you, her long term spouse or partner, or to the family.
85
00:06:02,110 --> 00:06:04,030
It just does not register.
86
00:06:06,350 --> 00:06:09,870
What you may see is bizarre, out of character behavior.
87
00:06:10,350 --> 00:06:13,790
Recklessness with money, sex, drinking, and even
88
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:17,600
with her friendships. She may become defensive. She may blame you
89
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,720
for everything wrong in her life that is completely normal. Please don't
90
00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:27,360
take it personally. It's imperative that you know that because looking
91
00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:31,319
at, when they look at their spouse, you're basically reflecting
92
00:06:31,819 --> 00:06:35,640
to them everything that they're trying to run away from. So just let her
93
00:06:36,140 --> 00:06:39,480
be and you know, just, just let her be
94
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,500
and try to, try to just put that
95
00:06:43,660 --> 00:06:47,860
away what you can do. Don't enable
96
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,700
the chaos. Maintain your Boundaries you can detach
97
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,860
with love. Stay kind, but don't allow mistreatment.
98
00:06:57,100 --> 00:07:00,340
Document and protect yourself legally if needed. And seriously,
99
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:04,140
document everything. Focus on your stability and
100
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,060
healing because she is in a storm and you can do nothing about it.
101
00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:16,190
Kendra Ruth has a train analogy that I really like. It is called,
102
00:07:16,690 --> 00:07:19,430
you know, when you're married, you're on the same track, but all of a sudden,
103
00:07:19,930 --> 00:07:23,910
when midlife crisis happens in your family now you're on separate
104
00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:28,230
tracks and that midlife crisis spouse
105
00:07:28,730 --> 00:07:32,270
is going down a crazy track. They've just got to run it out,
106
00:07:32,770 --> 00:07:36,850
run its course. You need to stay in your track and continue
107
00:07:37,010 --> 00:07:40,610
forward. And maybe your tracks will both merge
108
00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:44,610
someday again. But you can't go chasing after their track.
109
00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:49,410
Just stay in yours, guide your train and stay steady.
110
00:07:51,890 --> 00:07:55,130
So stage four would be depression
111
00:07:55,630 --> 00:07:59,250
and awakening. That's when reality starts to hit your wife.
112
00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:03,340
The fantasy life isn't working out and she's going to start to see
113
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,980
that. She's going to start to feel regret, guilt and shame.
114
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:11,420
She may feel deeply lost or broken.
115
00:08:12,460 --> 00:08:15,260
And what you're going to see is that there's going to be a real slowdown.
116
00:08:15,420 --> 00:08:19,180
She's going to start to withdraw from the chaos. There's going to be sadness,
117
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,540
confusion, emotional numbness. She may start reaching
118
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,780
out or reflecting. And what you can do is just be compassionate but cautious
119
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:31,940
and watch for manipulation because it's easy
120
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,140
for somebody to come back and say they miss you, they want to be back
121
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:39,060
together, but without true remorse or change. So be willing to listen
122
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:43,900
only if she's honest and accountable and
123
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,380
don't rush reconciliation. She really needs to take responsibility and be
124
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,300
clear eyed and be clear on what, what future she really wants to go forward
125
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,060
with. Stage 5 is
126
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,940
going to be healing and acceptance. Your wife's going to start reconnecting
127
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,820
with real emotions and truths. She's going to accept her part in the
128
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:08,300
damage of your relationship and marriage. She's going to possibly
129
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,980
seek forgiveness or a real dialogue because you did not
130
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,900
get that dialogue during the first four stages of midlife crisis.
131
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:20,710
You're going to see a more grounded person beginning to reemerge.
132
00:09:21,210 --> 00:09:23,990
She may, she may ask to reconcile or redefine the relationship.
133
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:28,390
Her behavior is going to be more consistent. It's going to replace the chaos.
134
00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:33,110
And there's what you can do. You can consider
135
00:09:33,190 --> 00:09:36,430
reconciliation, therapy and all
136
00:09:36,930 --> 00:09:40,950
that. You're going to have to take it slow. It didn't happen overnight. And healing
137
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:45,400
is still ongoing for both of you. And if you
138
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:49,680
have moved on and don't want to reconcile, that's okay too. But just know those,
139
00:09:50,180 --> 00:09:53,520
those are the five stages that you're most likely gonna see with your wife,
140
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:59,200
roughly two to five years. And it's gonna start with her buildup
141
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:02,800
of discontentment, Then she's gonna make the break.
142
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:08,560
Then she's gonna totally act out with
143
00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:12,830
the rollercoaster of euphoria and confusion and completely
144
00:10:13,330 --> 00:10:16,830
out of character behavior. And then she'll get to stage four with
145
00:10:17,330 --> 00:10:21,150
depression and awakening, where she slowly comes out of this crisis.
146
00:10:21,390 --> 00:10:24,670
And then stage five is her healing and acceptance.
147
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:43,200
You why
148
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,920
Midlife crisis. Men self destruct. First of all,
149
00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:51,200
they hit a personal identity collapse around
150
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,840
40 to 55 years old. Many men realize they're aging.
151
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,800
Their bodies don't feel invincible anymore.
152
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:02,680
Dreams they once had are slipping away, and life feels repetitive,
153
00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:06,800
boring, and finite. It's also called stable or
154
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:10,680
secure. But you know what? As secure
155
00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:14,880
and stable, that is, it can create terror inside of them. And they start
156
00:11:15,380 --> 00:11:18,280
thinking, shoot, man, is this it? Is this all that I am?
157
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,760
Is this it for me? Then they have
158
00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:26,520
immature emotional coping skills. Many men were never taught how to handle
159
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,580
fear, grief, aging, or loss. Instead, they learn
160
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,660
to chase success, distraction or validation.
161
00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:38,860
Just everybody should get that. You know, it's all about success and validation,
162
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,460
I think, growing up. Then when the deep feelings hit,
163
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,459
they panic because they don't really know how to sit with this discomfort.
164
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:50,060
And a lot of men, if they're. Or, you know, men and women,
165
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:54,260
if they are avoidant personality types or have, you know, issues like
166
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,510
that, they, they just, it just, they just keep it inside and don't
167
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,950
share those fears. They may seek an external solution to that
168
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:06,310
internal problem instead of working inside.
169
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:09,590
Like therapy, reflection, facing fears,
170
00:12:09,910 --> 00:12:13,430
discussing it with their spouse. They may try to fix the crisis by
171
00:12:13,930 --> 00:12:17,750
doing a. Getting a new car, having an affair, changing their career
172
00:12:17,830 --> 00:12:21,270
completely, or just moving cities. They may do all kinds
173
00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:25,110
of stuff. The affair partner actually becomes
174
00:12:25,610 --> 00:12:29,670
a symbol of youth, excitement, admiration, all the things that they feel that they're losing
175
00:12:30,170 --> 00:12:33,950
out on. They then rewrite the story to justify their actions.
176
00:12:34,190 --> 00:12:38,069
To avoid facing their own guilt or shame. Many men create a false narrative
177
00:12:38,569 --> 00:12:42,710
like, I was unhappy for years, My wife didn't understand me. I deserve
178
00:12:43,210 --> 00:12:46,790
to be happy too. And they expect everybody to be so excited and happy for
179
00:12:47,290 --> 00:12:50,990
them because they're finally now living their life and happy about what
180
00:12:51,490 --> 00:12:54,710
they're doing. But this self justification lets them betray their
181
00:12:55,210 --> 00:12:57,270
family while still feeling like a good guy in their mind.
182
00:12:58,870 --> 00:13:02,470
And they are so easily manipulated by affair partners.
183
00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:06,590
The affair partners often sense the vulnerability in this future
184
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:10,550
faking happens fast. Some affair partners push for quick commitment,
185
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,110
like leave her for me. Or you know, because they're afraid the man will
186
00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:17,150
come to his senses if given time, which is probably true.
187
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:21,310
Um, but a man deep in crisis is impulsive,
188
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:24,870
selfish, short sighted, totally easy to
189
00:13:25,370 --> 00:13:29,110
manipulate. We hear stories every day of messages
190
00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:32,590
back and forth where with attorneys and the court where they,
191
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:36,630
where spouses feel like this is written by the affair
192
00:13:37,130 --> 00:13:42,120
partner. And this actually goes for men and women where
193
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:46,520
affair partners are inter intercepting correspondence
194
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:51,360
and responding on behalf of the spouse. And yeah,
195
00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:55,280
that's, that's a common thing. And the spouse doesn't even realize they're doing
196
00:13:55,780 --> 00:13:59,840
it because they just give over everything. Their brain's a fog and they
197
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,920
just, just need somebody else to handle that stuff.
198
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,960
Their pride says, if I admit I was wrong, I lose everything.
199
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,510
My reputation, my new partner, my fantasy, all pride.
200
00:14:11,590 --> 00:14:14,790
They'll stay in misery. They'd rather stay in misery
201
00:14:14,950 --> 00:14:18,030
rather than face their shame. And even
202
00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:21,790
when the fantasy life starts to crack, crack, crack, many men actually
203
00:14:22,290 --> 00:14:25,590
double down rather than admit they made a mistake. And that's so sad.
204
00:14:26,629 --> 00:14:30,230
It's sad even for the affair partner because they're in a situation where,
205
00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:34,110
you know, does this, you know, how committed is this person to
206
00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:38,200
them? How are, you know? Yeah, but the
207
00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:42,360
crisis comes from inside. It's not the spouse, it's not the marriage. It's not getting
208
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:46,400
older. It's really because they don't know how to process it
209
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:49,800
and they destroy what they love the most. And that's why this
210
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:51,760
is so tragic on so many levels.
211
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,640
So, you know, bomb squad out there, remember,
212
00:14:57,140 --> 00:15:00,360
you didn't cause it. You could not have stopped it. Definitely could
213
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:03,490
not have stopped it. You might have been able to change it a little.
214
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:07,410
And we'll talk about that too. Just know you
215
00:15:07,910 --> 00:15:11,530
are the innocent bystander of someone who is truly struggling with internal war.
216
00:15:16,570 --> 00:15:20,610
So we'll
217
00:15:21,110 --> 00:15:25,130
f. We'll also have the. The aftermath of a husband five,
218
00:15:25,630 --> 00:15:29,510
10 and 15 years later, of following his
219
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:33,110
midlife crisis five years later. Anger and bitterness
220
00:15:33,610 --> 00:15:37,190
are his main emotions. The new life, that's new relationship,
221
00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:41,910
freedom, adventure. Often feels empty. He might be financially worse off,
222
00:15:42,070 --> 00:15:45,190
emotionally isolated and disconnected from his kids.
223
00:15:45,590 --> 00:15:48,470
He may jump now from relationship to relationship,
224
00:15:48,710 --> 00:15:52,390
chasing the high that he lost at 10 years.
225
00:15:52,890 --> 00:15:55,030
He's aging even faster than he thought.
226
00:15:56,750 --> 00:16:00,830
Regret is heavier now. He often can't admit it out loud.
227
00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:05,230
Instead, he might become cynical, like, oh, all women
228
00:16:05,730 --> 00:16:09,950
are the same. Marriage is a trap. He may struggle with addictions like alcohol,
229
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:13,750
gambling, porn, Workaholism just to numb
230
00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:16,750
his emotions. He often feels invisible,
231
00:16:17,470 --> 00:16:21,190
irrelevant, used, especially if
232
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:25,450
the affair partner leaves him or he gets divorced again, super sad.
233
00:16:26,730 --> 00:16:30,850
Fifteen years later, after this mlc, the loneliness becomes
234
00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:34,970
brutal. Adult children may still be distant or view him with quiet
235
00:16:35,470 --> 00:16:39,730
resentment. Health problems often appear and grow
236
00:16:40,230 --> 00:16:43,690
increasingly worse. He sometimes tries to reconnect with the ex
237
00:16:44,190 --> 00:16:47,330
wife or children, hoping for emotional rescue. But often the bridge
238
00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:51,420
is too burned. In short, it's like
239
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,140
he's an older man living with the consequences he ran from years earlier.
240
00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:01,260
However, if he does the inner work and grows five years
241
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,980
later, he will be humbled, but wiser.
242
00:17:05,220 --> 00:17:08,980
He may have made real amends with his children if they allow it.
243
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:13,340
If divorced, he often stays single a little longer
244
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,789
to focus on healing and figuring himself out. And he shows up in relationships
245
00:17:18,289 --> 00:17:22,189
differently, calmer, kinder, and less selfish.
246
00:17:23,149 --> 00:17:26,829
So those are real wins right there. If he does the inner work and grows
247
00:17:27,229 --> 00:17:30,989
10 years later, he'll have hopefully rebuilt a meaningful
248
00:17:31,489 --> 00:17:35,109
life. Maybe by now he's remarried, but only after deep
249
00:17:35,609 --> 00:17:39,149
personal growth. Relationships with children or family are
250
00:17:39,649 --> 00:17:43,150
more honest, even if not perfect. And he
251
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:46,710
finally accepts his aging immortality instead of fighting
252
00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:50,790
it with fantasies. At 15 years
253
00:17:51,290 --> 00:17:54,550
after MLC, he may feel more peaceful inside. He knows
254
00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:58,390
he made mistakes, but he's made peace with them. He's apologized where
255
00:17:58,890 --> 00:18:02,510
he could. He's shown remorse. He's learned his
256
00:18:03,010 --> 00:18:06,430
life may be simpler than he once imagined. But you know what? It's real.
257
00:18:06,910 --> 00:18:10,360
It's not a fantasy. In short,
258
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,560
growth gives him a second chance at a meaningful life.
259
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:17,560
But it requires intense humility and courage.
260
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:26,320
And here's what's really important for you to know. No matter what happens
261
00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:30,720
to him, your healing, happiness and future do not
262
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:33,480
depend on whether he regrets it or fixes it.
263
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,610
Your life is already on a better trajectory than because you face
264
00:18:38,110 --> 00:18:42,170
the pain instead of running from it. So stay in
265
00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:45,450
on your track like little train. Stay on your track.
266
00:18:47,850 --> 00:18:48,250
So.
267
00:18:50,810 --> 00:18:54,050
So a common thing we hear is, oh, he has nothing in
268
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:58,210
common with this affair partner. How is he with that person? Um, and this
269
00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:02,250
goes both ways, whether it's male or female. But the
270
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:06,220
affair down is a serious thing. And why he's blinded
271
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,780
to the affair partner first, he's in emotional overdrive.
272
00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:14,100
MLC is often triggered by deep internal emotional turmoil.
273
00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:17,700
He's dealing with aging, loss of identity, fear and anxiety.
274
00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:21,860
He's seeking validation, escape, youthful excitement,
275
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:25,700
not necessarily a healthy or balanced relationship.
276
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:29,540
And the affair partner represents a fantasy of what he wants right now.
277
00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:31,220
Excitement, newness, freedom.
278
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,480
The affair is all about fantasy. Not reality.
279
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,800
He's seeing what he wants to see, not who she really is.
280
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:43,640
She represents the idolized version of youth, energy and excitement.
281
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:47,720
Like a rescue from his struggles. Reality checks like her flaws,
282
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:51,280
her manipulations, her needs. Totally ignored. Because the
283
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:54,040
affair is a temporary escape from his personal crisis,
284
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,760
he's narcissistically focused on himself. During the crisis,
285
00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:02,620
a man can become very self centered. It's less about the affair partner's
286
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,940
character or long term compatibility. It's more so about how she makes him
287
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,300
feel like desired, powerful, young,
288
00:20:13,260 --> 00:20:17,060
and he doesn't critically assess her behavior. He's so caught up in
289
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,140
his own need for affirmation that he's totally blind to all the red flags
290
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,780
that everybody else sees. Actually, I just heard a country song today,
291
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:28,370
something like that. It's called. I think it's called no one
292
00:20:28,870 --> 00:20:32,970
likes your girlfriend. I thought it was pretty funny. The affair.
293
00:20:33,290 --> 00:20:36,530
Yeah. Note to self, go find the video. I've got to watch the video to
294
00:20:37,030 --> 00:20:40,690
that song. The affair partner often plays into his fantasy.
295
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:44,930
The affair partner may play along with the fantasy, especially early on. She may
296
00:20:45,430 --> 00:20:49,210
seem perfect, supportive, adoring, because she's fulfilling his unmet emotional needs.
297
00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:55,500
His escape from routine, flattery and attention presents
298
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,140
herself as a solution. That solution blinds him
299
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:03,180
to her flaws or manipulative tendencies, which are typically many.
300
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:07,260
But they don't see it and everybody else does. And that is what's so crazy.
301
00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:11,060
And he's avoiding facing his own issues. During mlc,
302
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:15,020
many men avoid confronting their inner pain by focusing on the external,
303
00:21:15,180 --> 00:21:18,460
like the affair partner and the temporary highs.
304
00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:22,330
And when he's in pain, he's not even able to look at things rationally or
305
00:21:22,830 --> 00:21:26,410
see the affair partner for who she truly is. His emotional lens distorts
306
00:21:26,650 --> 00:21:30,690
everything. And what happens when the crisis
307
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:35,210
subsides, you ask? That's again, that's when reality sets in after
308
00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:38,970
the MLC passes. That's when the man starts returning to reality.
309
00:21:39,370 --> 00:21:43,250
He's either exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster or because he's
310
00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:46,890
done some inner work. And now he can begin to see the affair partner for
311
00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:50,370
who she really is. Flaws, manipulation,
312
00:21:50,850 --> 00:21:53,930
whatever issues were hidden during the rush. And this is
313
00:21:54,430 --> 00:21:58,370
where men, many men feel regret. They feel disillusioned,
314
00:21:58,870 --> 00:22:02,650
lied to, manipulated with the affair partner. Because once
315
00:22:03,150 --> 00:22:06,490
the high fades, they often realize they were chasing an illusion and not
316
00:22:06,990 --> 00:22:10,700
a real solution to their life's problems. And they realize they
317
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,980
actually may have nothing in common with this person that
318
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,140
was simply a placeholder for their escape.
319
00:22:19,900 --> 00:22:23,460
In short, yep, he's blinded during the Affair. He's emotionally
320
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,420
vulnerable, focused on himself and desperately seeking escape or validation.
321
00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:31,180
He sees the affair partner through that lens of fantasy rather than reality.
322
00:22:31,340 --> 00:22:34,940
The relationship often isn't about her, it's about what she
323
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,100
represents in his emotional state.
324
00:22:43,330 --> 00:22:47,010
And this is so sad. When the when your MLC husband wakes up,
325
00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:50,810
it's. On one hand I feel like it's really sad, but on
326
00:22:51,310 --> 00:22:54,450
another hand I actually feel like it's sort of funny because at first
327
00:22:54,950 --> 00:22:58,050
he experiences a period of shock and disillusionment. The high of the affair
328
00:22:58,550 --> 00:23:01,850
fades. The fantasy he was chasing collapses. He might suddenly
329
00:23:02,350 --> 00:23:05,350
realize that the affair partner is not the solution he thought she was. She may
330
00:23:05,850 --> 00:23:08,310
not be as perfect, loving or fulfilling as he once imagined.
331
00:23:09,110 --> 00:23:12,550
Disillusionment sets in and he may feel trapped, confused,
332
00:23:12,870 --> 00:23:16,950
and definitely angry at himself. Like, why did I do this?
333
00:23:17,450 --> 00:23:21,470
How did I get here? Is this really what I wanted? And we have spoken
334
00:23:21,970 --> 00:23:25,510
with MLC husbands before in the show and that's exactly how they feel.
335
00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:29,150
And it's just so sad to hear that because it's like, gosh,
336
00:23:29,650 --> 00:23:32,900
you know, everybody else was seeing that and trying to
337
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,420
give them advice, but they couldn't see it.
338
00:23:37,260 --> 00:23:40,860
He realizes he's he lost what truly mattered in his life.
339
00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:44,460
When the crisis fades, he often wakes up to the real cost of his choices.
340
00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:47,500
He may feel ashamed or guilty about the impact on his family,
341
00:23:47,980 --> 00:23:51,220
particularly his spouse and children. The affair
342
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:55,020
partner may have seemed like a savior, but now he sees how much he's lost
343
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,570
in the process. The family stability and the trust
344
00:23:59,070 --> 00:24:02,530
of those he loved that, you know, there's no replacement for
345
00:24:03,030 --> 00:24:07,130
that. He begins to see the affair partner's flaws. Reality starts to sink in.
346
00:24:07,290 --> 00:24:10,570
The affair partner's not perfect. She may have had her own
347
00:24:11,070 --> 00:24:14,170
agenda, manipulating him for attention, money, security,
348
00:24:14,490 --> 00:24:18,130
to make other people jealous. He may now recognize that she was more
349
00:24:18,630 --> 00:24:21,890
interested in her own needs rather than genuinely being
350
00:24:22,390 --> 00:24:26,130
his partner. The affair partner may also lose interest, especially if
351
00:24:26,630 --> 00:24:30,330
the affair wasn't about a true bond about but about providing
352
00:24:30,830 --> 00:24:34,130
him with an escape. He may try to leave the
353
00:24:34,630 --> 00:24:38,090
affair, but it gets so complicated. Breaking free from the
354
00:24:38,590 --> 00:24:42,130
affair may not be easy. Your husband may still be emotionally attached
355
00:24:42,630 --> 00:24:46,690
to the affair partner or may fear facing the fallout from his family and
356
00:24:47,190 --> 00:24:50,170
then having nothing. He might try to hold on to both relationships,
357
00:24:50,460 --> 00:24:54,180
but that rarely works. This is when many men start to feel trapped
358
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,380
in a cycle of guilt, confusion and denial.
359
00:24:58,060 --> 00:25:01,940
Some may return to their spouse with half hearted apologies, but without the
360
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,940
necessary changes in mindset or behavior to heal the relationship. He may
361
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:09,100
attempt to Apologize. But his actions matter more than words.
362
00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:13,460
Remember, he may feel regret and attempt to apologize to you or
363
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,670
the children. But these apologies may seem insincere or or lacking depth
364
00:25:18,170 --> 00:25:21,510
because the pain caused by his betrayal is just so deep.
365
00:25:22,310 --> 00:25:25,630
Words alone are not enough. His actions
366
00:25:26,130 --> 00:25:30,470
need to match his apology. Genuine remorse means
367
00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:32,390
accepting responsibility,
368
00:25:33,830 --> 00:25:37,510
making amends, and showing real change
369
00:25:38,010 --> 00:25:40,870
over time. And not everybody can do that.
370
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,360
He struggles with long term consequences. Emotional fallout.
371
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,200
Even if he feels guilty or ashamed, it's hard to come to terms with
372
00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:54,240
the lasting emotional scars that he's caused.
373
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:58,720
And his his spouse, you may never fully trust him again.
374
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,920
The children may feel betrayed and never trust their dad again.
375
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,920
The financial consequences if he's left his family
376
00:26:06,420 --> 00:26:09,680
or ruined his relationships. The financial costs of divorce, child support,
377
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,460
loss of assets might be staggering. And again,
378
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,300
we just saw that in a recent interview here on the podcast
379
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,380
where this family had paid off their home, they were
380
00:26:21,540 --> 00:26:24,820
set for retirement, midlife crisis kicked in
381
00:26:25,220 --> 00:26:28,900
and went overboard spending and now he's
382
00:26:28,980 --> 00:26:34,100
over a million dollars in debt. So he went from totally
383
00:26:34,180 --> 00:26:37,540
secure to completely almost bankrupt.
384
00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:42,030
And then finally, you know what, there's social consequences.
385
00:26:42,270 --> 00:26:45,430
Friends and family may judge him harshly, may not trust him
386
00:26:45,930 --> 00:26:49,190
anymore, making it harder to rebuild his life. Relationships with those
387
00:26:49,690 --> 00:26:51,790
that were close to him before have been permanently strained.
388
00:26:52,510 --> 00:26:55,150
Employers, friends,
389
00:26:56,430 --> 00:26:57,790
it's just really rough.
390
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,360
And again, if he seeks therapy and tries to
391
00:27:07,860 --> 00:27:10,200
focus on personal growth, if he's really serious about that,
392
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,800
well, there is a little hope there.
393
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:21,320
Just remember, genuine remorse means committing to understanding his
394
00:27:21,820 --> 00:27:24,920
deep rooted issues and not just regretting the outcome.
395
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,920
He's got to work on himself long term. If he's
396
00:27:29,420 --> 00:27:32,260
genuinely trying to improve, he he's going to focus on personal growth,
397
00:27:32,580 --> 00:27:36,540
becoming more self aware, healing emotional
398
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:40,460
wounds, facing his aging and mortality without running
399
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,540
to distractions like new relationships, et cetera.
400
00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:48,020
He's got to learn how to manage relationships in a healthier way
401
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,460
and there are a ton of resources out there for this.
402
00:27:52,100 --> 00:27:55,300
He tries to rebuild his family, but it's going to be a long road.
403
00:27:56,270 --> 00:28:00,310
Your ex husband, he may attempt to rebuild your relationship with
404
00:28:00,810 --> 00:28:03,870
you and the children, but this is going to take time and lots of patience.
405
00:28:04,670 --> 00:28:08,750
He'll need to earn back that trust by demonstrating consistent positive behavior
406
00:28:09,250 --> 00:28:12,870
over years, not just weeks or months. Real change
407
00:28:13,370 --> 00:28:16,910
in himself and his attitude toward his family is the key to
408
00:28:17,410 --> 00:28:19,150
whether or not this repair is successful.
409
00:28:21,150 --> 00:28:24,530
And you know what? He's going to lose the affair partner or she may lose
410
00:28:25,030 --> 00:28:28,410
interest. If he truly sees the affair for what it was, he may cut ties
411
00:28:28,910 --> 00:28:31,450
with the affair partner, especially if he returns to his family.
412
00:28:33,690 --> 00:28:37,090
Alternatively, the affair partner may lose interest in him
413
00:28:37,590 --> 00:28:40,730
once the novelty fades and the reality of his personal problems surface,
414
00:28:41,850 --> 00:28:45,330
because typically they are just there for the fun. As a matter
415
00:28:45,830 --> 00:28:49,610
of fact, in another recent podcast, we had that situation where the affair
416
00:28:50,110 --> 00:28:54,240
partner was now sending topless photos of herself to her
417
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,040
fiance's friends. The fiance was
418
00:28:58,540 --> 00:29:02,240
the one, the husband in midlife crisis. So that's a whole different thing.
419
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:08,160
But to sum it up, waking up to the affair's reality is often shocking
420
00:29:08,660 --> 00:29:12,280
and painful for your ex husband. He begins to understand that the affair
421
00:29:12,780 --> 00:29:16,360
was an escape from his own emotional turmoil and not a true solution to his
422
00:29:16,860 --> 00:29:20,530
problems. And this is where he starts to start thinking rationally
423
00:29:21,030 --> 00:29:25,610
again, which was completely out out
424
00:29:26,110 --> 00:29:29,570
the window during mlc. No re. No rationality.
425
00:29:30,290 --> 00:29:32,610
And this is where regret often follows.
426
00:29:35,730 --> 00:29:39,370
And if he tries to make amends, the road to repair is long, difficult and
427
00:29:39,870 --> 00:29:43,570
requires real change. So remember that. But it's doable
428
00:29:43,810 --> 00:29:46,810
and there's a lot of resources out there that we have access to for you
429
00:30:01,890 --> 00:30:04,850
Hey, if you think you might be having a midlife crisis,
430
00:30:05,330 --> 00:30:10,040
go check out the two minute quiz at midlife
431
00:30:10,540 --> 00:30:13,280
crisis marriage advocate.com again.
432
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:17,120
Super quick little quiz, totally free. Check it
433
00:30:17,620 --> 00:30:25,559
out at midlife crisis marriage advocate.com thanks
434
00:30:26,059 --> 00:30:28,960
again you guys for tuning in to Midlife Crisis Bomb Drop and beyond.
435
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:32,280
We have passed over a thousand downloads. We have hundreds
436
00:30:32,780 --> 00:30:36,290
of subscribers, if not over a thousand or two thousand already. So I
437
00:30:36,790 --> 00:30:40,250
just want to say thank you. I'm how grateful I am for every single one
438
00:30:40,750 --> 00:30:44,490
of you that's listening and that has taken the time to be interviewed
439
00:30:44,990 --> 00:30:47,610
and appear on the show. I have a waiting list of people I'm trying to
440
00:30:48,110 --> 00:30:49,970
get to, so hang in there. We will get to you.
441
00:30:51,570 --> 00:30:55,010
I really appreciate it and I'm so glad to hear that everybody is
442
00:30:55,170 --> 00:30:58,730
enjoying the show so much and I know it provides
443
00:30:59,230 --> 00:31:02,050
a lot of support. So thank you so much for that.
444
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:06,400
And if you've been through a midlife crisis or been impacted by someone
445
00:31:06,900 --> 00:31:09,680
else's and you want to share your story, I'd love to hear from you.
446
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:13,560
Please reach out to me on Facebook lcbombdrop
447
00:31:14,060 --> 00:31:17,760
or Instagram mlcbombdrop. So reach out however you
448
00:31:18,260 --> 00:31:21,560
like. Your voice matters. Your story could be the one that helps
449
00:31:22,060 --> 00:31:26,160
someone else feel seen, heard and understood. Until next
450
00:31:26,660 --> 00:31:28,880
time, take care and keep standing in your truth.