Midlife Crisis: The Hidden Epidemic

0:19 Hello friends. Thank you for joining us today. You know, the mental health community has yet to formally classify midlife crisis as a psychological impairment with real world consequences. Research suggests that EM MLC can involve symptoms similar to depression, identity crises and even dissociative states. Like other conditions that impair judgment such as manic episodes and bipolar disorder or temporary psychosis, MLC often leads individuals to make reckless decisions that they later regret. Midlife crisis is often dismissed as a cliche, but the reality that you're going to hear here is far more serious. During this period, individuals experience a profound psychological emotional upheaval leading to impulsive and self destructive decisions. Despite the clear signs of instability, MLC individuals are currently allowed to file for divorce, sell homes and make irreversible financial and legal choices, often to the devastation of their long term spouses and families.

1:25 Thank you for joining us today because now you are going to hear from people around the world as they tell their story from Bomb Drop and beyond. The stories and events discussed in this podcast are based on our guests experiences and are intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. They should not be considered legal, medical or professional advice. Any names, locations or identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any similarities to actual persons, living or dead or real events are purely coincidental. The views and opinions expressed by guests are their very own and do not necessarily reflect those of the host or the podcast creators.

2:18 Listeners should consult with a qualified professional regarding their own circumstances. You all right? Hello listeners. Today we have, we have John Doe with us and he. This is a situation where John is the left behind spouse and his wife had a midlife crisis. So John is going to tell us a little bit about his situation. Hi John. Hi, thanks for having me. Appreciate this giving me a chance to, to tell my story. So yeah, I've been in this about two and a half years. Bomb drop was October of 2022. And you know like, like any individual I think that has experienced this as a left behind spouse. There's always bumps and bruises during the marriage but I don't think that mine was any worse off than anybody else on the street. But it, it was certainly a shock to me and since that time I've experienced quite a bit. I'm, I'm actually divorced. Divorced in August of last year. I had to file in August of 23 and during that time I've experienced everything from discovering the affair. My ex had a baby while we were still married with the affair partner. She brought the kids.

3:35 I have two daughters, 9 and 10, right into the Middle of it, right at the very beginning, despite my objections, there's been. Besides lawyers, there's been therapists, police involvement, and just recently, DCF Child services as well. I've been threatened in my own home. I've been extorted financially. I've lost more than half my wealth just given the divorce, plus all the legal fees that go with it. My parents have been subpoenaed and brought into the mix. My children have experienced things that no little girl should ever see or experience. And I'm sure I'm leaving some. Some details out, but everything in between, it's been a horrific two and a half years and, you know, just trying to live my life as best I can with my kids at the center. And as anybody who's experienced this knows, that's very, very hard to do given the behavior of. Of these individuals and the lack of protection for us.

4:38 And from my perspective, the legal system and the mental health system does not provide. So in a way, we have each other and that's about it. Yeah, I feel like, because. Is she pretty irrational? Oh, very, very much so. So I have a couple questions. One, how long have you guys been married or had you been married? We were married at Bomb drop. Just over 10 years. About 10 and a half years. Wow. Yeah. So not. Not, not too long, but long enough where, you know, there's a lot of history there. Yeah. And you've got two daughters. Yes. Yes. And had you. Had you even known about midlife crisis or things like this?

5:21 No. It's. It's interesting how each of us finds the. The midlife crisis solution, if you will. Like most people, I was frantically trying to understand what was going on, you know, Googling every night, listening to YouTube videos and podcasts, and you name it, I researched it. And I don't remember exactly how I stumbled upon mlc. I think I was reading a book. It was maybe written in the 80s. It was divorce busting or something to that effect. It was written by a mental health expert who talked about ways saving a marriage. One person saving a marriage. And there was a small but powerful chapter on midlife crisis. And, you know, of course, I knew the term we hear in pop culture, you know, the guy with the young girlfriend who has the convertible. But that's 1% of what this is. And I just kept plugging away, plugging away. And I found more resources, and then, you know, finally found a great support group on Facebook and just dove right in. And so much of it aligned with what I was experiencing, that I said this has to be what it is. And I just kept reading and reading and reading and the more I became acclimated to its attributes, the more I said, okay, yeah, it's not me.

6:35 You found it. Yeah, it was, it was a relief and it was a painful one, but it was a relief. And I'm. It took me a while, but I'm. Glad I found it because in the beginning were you like, you know, most folks sort of feel like, oh my God, what did I do wrong? What's going on? Nothing makes sense. They're acting irrationally. So for a lot of folks it feels like a real relief to find that there's, you know, a diagnosis, if you will. Yeah. You know, I think the, the commonality, there's so many commonalities between the partners that leave us and it's all pattern based. And it's clear that we all are victims of that projection that being sold that we are the problem. And I was, I, I was the one that left the house. I'm like, oh, I'll go sleep somewhere else. I'm sorry, it's all my fault.

7:19 And, and then I had to get others perspective to say, why are you leaving the house? Like my own mother in law said, why are you leaving? She's the one that left. Wow. Sleep at home. And then, and then finally there. Because that's interesting. Her mom, her very own mom noticed something was up with her daughter. Yeah. So they, they didn't have a good relationship, which is again a massive red flag that I ignored. But they, they don't talk anymore. I have a great relationship with her mom and she doesn't talk to her mom at all. So you know, I told her mom different things and she said, oh, it's just a phase, she'll get over it or you know, this relationship won't last. But she was very, she and I would meet almost daily and she was a good person to, to speak to and provide perspective. But yeah, it was, you know, kind of eye opening and you know, getting someone, getting third parties to look at it objectively was, was important because you just, your mind is so screwed up you can't think rationally.

8:18 So getting others perspective gives you a baseline and level sets and says, okay, now I can make good decisions because I've gotten someone else's perspective. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. What were some of the first like signs that that something was, you know, bothering her or that she was acting different? Like do you recall some of the first, you know, things that were different? I think looking Back, now that I know what I know, her father passed away in February of 2017, so, well before bomb drop. But there was a shift in, in her even back then. But it was subtle. And as time went on, I, I, I don't know really what the reasons were, you know, boredom with life, kids getting older, a thousand things it could be. But in the springtime of the year, she, the year of bomb drop, she decided to join the local fire department.

9:12 She wanted to become an emt. And it was a little, little strange, but okay, you know, you want to do something different, that's fine. And I supported her in it, but it became, you know, she was out of the house quite a bit and you know, she'd cook dinner and leave and come back after the kids were in bed, after I was asleep. And you know, it just became more and more, and you know, her behavior became a little more erratic. And then I, you know, there were little subtle signs that I thought, oh, something's going on. But you know, I just denied it and said, no, she wouldn't do that, she wouldn't do that. And then the night of my daughter's birthday, this was just a few days before bomb drop, we had gone to a party and she had quite a bit to drink, came home, we got into a fight and she tried to leave the house and I prevented her from doing so because she was very, very drunk. And she wound up calling some of her fire department friends and including who at the time I didn't know, but was her fair partner, he came into the house and she wound up taking the kids and leaving and calling the police. And that was kind of the first, you know, you know, accusation of he's abusive, he's a monster, he's this, he's that. Luckily, the police report says I acted reasonably and that she was intoxicated.

10:31 So nothing bad points to me, but it was just behavioral things that started small and then just escalated. And then a few days later it was bomb drop. And how, how did your bomb drop go? Can you talk about it? Like, was it the, well, John, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I, you know, was it one of the standard phrases that they tend to say? Standard phrase, just same thing as everybody else, you know, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. My close, my heart to you, it's open for someone else. Wow, you know, you deserve better, you know, nothing, nothing out of the ordinary, which again, it's, it's all pattern based and it's so funny.

11:14 Yeah. You know, when you see these stories, they're so. Every story is so similar, and it is. It's almost like. Like a zombie thing, you know, When I see the. The similarities, it's just amazing. It's like a. What do you call it? A. A book, A rule book, you know? Yeah, it's a. It's a. It's the playbook. They've. They've got the playbook out. And what I find fascinating about that is, you know, in. When I was going through the divorce, I had several videos that I had taken. Some when she was in the house acting crazy, some through security cameras. And she knew I had them, so she wanted to make sure that they couldn't be shown to anybody in the future. So she asked for me to erase them. And I was adamant. To my attorney, I said, I am going to need these, because if a judge were to look at these, she would. Or he would look at them and say, this person is manic and should not be around young children. And I had to convince my attorney, and I couldn't understand.

12:11 I'm like, you must see this constantly in divorce cases. Constantly. Whether it's the man or the woman. And I know we figured it out, but I found it surprising because, you know, I hear about these things so often now from people that have just opened up and come to me with. With their stories. And I think it's more popular. Not more popular, more common than we think it is. Oh, yeah. You know what? One person that is in an upcoming episode or interview, she. She refers to it as an epidemic. You know, and it's crazy. Almost every day, if I'm in a grocery store or something and just talking to somebody, I hear another story. And it is just.

12:52 It's almost like what's in the water that we're drinking, you know, it's really become so mainstream. Well, I think the. You know, being in it, and, you know, I can say from a male perspective. Cause it's a. It's a little bit different, a male versus a woman. And I have young girls. What I find is going to happen to society is that this will propagate itself almost like a pyramid scheme in a way. So in the divorce situation I went through, I was raked through the coals. I mean, just. I could have been living in my car with no custody. Like, it could have gone that way.

13:32 And from. And men. That happens to men all the time. So from. And again, it could be the same with women. I'm not just saying that, but this Is again, from my perspective, and it's super scary. You know, it is very scary. And I read it all the time, and it scares the heck out of me. And so were you guys at court or. No, mediation. It was court. No, we mediated. And, you know, she tried to do certain things, but she just maybe wasn't that bonkers then or I just got lucky, I don't know. But we were able to stay out of court. And no, I still lost a ton, but I was able to get 50% custody, which is what I wanted. But I can see a world where people get so resentful that they lash out and take that out on their children, or they talk about their spouse in front of their children in a bad way, and it just sets the kids up to do the same thing. So if I only have two kids, let's say I had four, and let's say I wasn't put together and I decide I'm going to just talk bad about mom all day long and make it the worst experience. Now my four children are set up to have their own midlife crisis. And then if they have kids, they have kids that will then be set up and it just propagates out because the system isn't set up to support the family. It's set up to just divide, make money.

14:49 And I think it's going to get worse as time goes on. So when you see 50% or whatever the number is of divorces today, that'll grow higher and out of that percentage, more going to be contentious versus amicable. Yeah, it's a really good perspective that you describe with the propagating and the kids and. Yeah, that's. That is really true. So, you know, with women, they. They say. They say that the average man's MLC is going to be three to 10 years, and a woman, I think, is three to five. Maybe it's much shorter. It's shorter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen any signs that she might be coming out of this? It seems to be getting worse before it gets better. We don't. We don't communicate whatsoever. There's just more animosity.

15:37 And it just seems the more I take back control or the better I'm living, the worse she feels and the more she hates. What's interesting is at the very beginning, this is when she was sort of living here, sort of, not probably about four months in post bomb drop, she came back one morning after being away and just crying, absolutely upset. And she said, okay, I'll. I'll stay. But, you know, My. My new friend, the affair partner. He's my best friend. I can't let him go. And we talked for a while, and I remember her sitting down, crying, just saying, I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm a person having an affair. And I compare it to watching her slowly go into the tunnel. That was the last bit of her that was wholesome and good. And after that, she was too far in, but I saw it. And maybe that person will come back, who knows? But no, that's interesting you say that, because I've heard several stories where folks, just like you said, your wife did, is sitting there just sort of beside themselves with a realization that what they're doing is not right, but yet they can't reel it back and they just go forward and. And then once they're in the tunnel, it's.

16:58 They're gone. You know, it's so crazy how that is. And did. Did you find, you know, as a lot of times people say, the. The MLC spells becomes cruel. Total discard. Did you feel that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's, you know, some of the things she would say, like, you know, I. I, of course, didn't want to get divorced, so I wouldn't agree to do anything related to it. And she started yelling at me that it's going to cost a ton of money, and I hope the children hate you for that. When you lose all that money, you know, I hope you. I hope it hurts the fact that I'm with another man. You know, cruel, cruel statements, almost sadistic.

17:38 And it's been, you know, two and a half years of that consistently, and, you know, now it wouldn't bother me as much, but back then, yeah, you take it real personal. And it really hurts. How could it not? Exactly. Wow. And so when you guys, I guess looking back, do you now see any red flags? And now that you have the knowledge that, you know, she wasn't close with her mom, was she close with her dad? Yes, but in a. So he lived overseas and it's not. Like they were tight. No, like that she loved him, but it was. There was something to the dynamic. I still don't understand to this day. Almost like you didn't love me as a child very much, but I'm really close to you now. It was. It was strange, but, yeah. Weird dynamic.

18:26 But yeah, I think as far as red flags go, you know, I mean, prop them up all day long now, like, I turn my. My head to them, as many of many people Did. That's what love does. You love the person for who they are. And you think, okay, they're, they've had a bad history, they acknowledge it, but they're in a marriage now. You never would have expected this, but you know, never was able to sustain any type of relationship with anybody, whether it be a family member or a friend. You know, she has no friends. She doesn't really have relationships with anybody in her family now. And you know, I'd say the average tenure of any all relationship she has is probably less than three years. And she's in her mid-40s. So those types of things go back to the beginning when her childhood was very traumatic.

19:17 She was emotionally, emotionally neglected and you know, just didn't have the child that I had, didn't have those tools. And if I had known, of course, back then when we met, what I know now, I never would have dated her because I, I know all of that comes back, but how could we. No, nobody knew about any of this until you get into it. Actually, when you, like 10 years ago, you weren't really familiar with, I'd assume you weren't really familiar with attachment styles and mlc. Okay. And red flags, you know, things like that. Like you said, you're just average guy, you know, average girl. Yeah, it is, it's crazy because it opens your eyes to a whole new world. Yeah. Yeah, I, I've, I've, you know, dipped my toe in the dating world.

20:05 And I got to tell you, it's you, you look at people differently. Everything from like, you know, if somebody has tattoos, what is that saying about how they externalize their inside, what their past is, how they talk about their ex and how what they are like as a parent, like all those things tell a story and things I would have glossed over before. I've got the microscope out now and it's a scary world out there, right. Because you're sitting there trying to get to know them and at the same time analyze them, looking for the red flags. Red flags, you know. Yeah, it's crazy. And then of course there was, you know, you know, when you guys started dating, was there any, oh, what do you call it? Love bombing?

20:50 You know, were you guys, did when you guys met, did you have a quick courtship before you got married or. Yeah, I'd say so. I, I had gotten out of a long term relationship just prior and she was actually married before me to, to somebody for a brief period of time. So I looked at it as, you know, we both were in our early 30s. We knew we wanted, we connected right away. But yeah, it was, it was pretty quick. And obviously looking back, like, that was a mistake, but, you know, I, I genuinely thought she was a good. And she was, she was, she was a great mom, a great wife. Like, nothing, nothing bad to say in many areas. It's just her past caught up with her. Yeah. And that's a shame. And, you know, I, I feel bad for the life she's creating for herself. It's ultimately not her doing, but these are still her present choices. And, you know, the consequences that go with them will, will come.

21:41 How's it going with the girls? It's pretty good. You know, I, I, I was always a great dad, but the thing that that's, that's been thrust upon me is one person can change the direction of a child's life. One person. And I know if I provide them that emotional safety, that stability, that security, that love, they will grow up to be individuals that are strong, healthy, that will have relationships that are safe and healthy and secure. They both have anxiety disorders. They. Wait, did this happen in the last year or two? Yeah, they've been diagnosed by their, by their therapist post Bomb Drop. Oh, so they have. There's some, you know, certainly some, some ramifications for all this.

22:26 And, you know, there, there's obviously an unknown. There's just things. I just don't know what's in their head. Right. What, what they know, what they see. I, I'm fairly confident that they're being told very bad things about dad. And all I can do is show up and love them and time will dictate the rest. But it's, it's not the life I wanted for them, but I have to make it the best it can be. Yep. Wow. Well, at least you're, yeah. You've put them first. Yeah. So that's huge, you know. Yep. Yeah. Always. Yep. And, and, well, I guess you guys. You said she has a new child with her affair partner? Yeah, they, I found out October of 23.

23:09 So about a year after Bomb Drop, she was pregnant. And then they had their, excuse me, their baby in April of 24. So that was a whole other mess. And then they got remarried this past October. So it's just these, you know, different events that have been sprinkled in over the course last two and a half years that, that I've had to deal with. But, you know, the baby was a, was an interesting one because, you know, you figure that has to count for something in the divorce proceeding that could benefit me In a way. And it didn't matter. She actually used my insurance to have the baby with this guy. Which opening that, that explanation of benefit statement was another punch in the gut. But you just, you just take the beatings as they come and it, it builds a resiliency in you that prepares you for the next and the next and the next. You just gotta keep a good heart while you build that resiliency and hopefully the two align so you, you're changing as a person and in a good way. Yeah. It's so amazing you said that because it is so true. It does. You do become more resilient.

24:16 You have to. And it's, it's like when bad things happen, it's like, well, you know, I was, it's okay, you know, because that's true. Yeah. Really make you stronger. So, because I was going to ask, a lot of times I'll ask, you know, well, thoughts on reconciliation, but it sounds like, you know, that might be a real. Yeah, I, I'll say that nothing is absolute. If you had told me this would be the phone call I'm having on a Tuesday night in March of 25, I would say no. So I can never say zero. But obviously the, I've seen and experienced so much, it'd be hard to unsee all of this. And, and I don't know if she's ever capable of changing.

24:58 So reconciliation is probably not on the table. But I will say though that if, despite all that she's done, all the destruction that's been reaped, if she rang the doorbell tonight and said, you know, I, I need, I needed to move out, I need a place to go, I have no one, she's more than welcome here. She's a human being and the mother of my children. She of course has a safe place to stay that hopefully, and hopefully she would at some point turn her life around for her kids sake, if not for her own. But yeah, I think reconciliation is probably not on the table at this point, but a year ago it would have. Been just times change and when she comes out of the tunnel, she could be a much healed and she could be that person that you really thought she was before, you know, even better. I mean, that's, I think that's what everybody hopes.

25:51 Exactly. That would make, maybe that would make their crisis worth it in one way or another. I don't know. But yeah, it is, you know, it's awful. And let's see, are there any other things you'd like for listeners to take away from today? That, you know, that we haven't touched on. I think when, when, you know, I've, I've talked to people, I like helping people. I think I'm not a veteran and there's some people that I've known who have been in this for a lot longer than I have, but there's people in my own life that, that have experienced the same thing and they sort of mentored me and they kind of showed me again what was going to happen next and what was going to happen next. And every time it actually transpires as they lay it out. So I like to give back and I like to help people that might be new to this and that are struggling. And you know, I tell them confidently, like, you're gonna feel this way today and tomorrow, but in a year it's going to be different and, and try to, to, to try to, to ground them and level set them, but ultimately the key thing is just be kind. It's the simplest thing.

26:59 You know, I, I, I talked to a leader in my church who, same thing happened to him and said he reached out to me when he suspected something was going on. And I opened up to him and he opened up to me and, and he had gone through something similar. Now he, he didn't reconcile with his ex, but he was able to eventually get custody of, of all of his daughters. And he's now wildly successful in his private life, relationship life and in church. And so I asked him, like, what do you, what can I do? What, what are, what's the one thing you'd recommend I do? And, and he said like everybody else, take the high road. Take the high road. It is really hard because you want to go and, you know, slap your spouse across the face and tell the world how awful they are.

27:52 And, but you don't need to do that because it will all take care of itself and people will learn what the truth is and they will see the lies from the truth in time. So that's my advice to anyone who's brand new to this. Be kind, take the high road. And it's hard and take the high road. Very good advice. And then it'll all work out one way or the other for all of us. So what anything's going on now in your, like, how has this changed you for the better? Well, going back to what I said earlier about being resilient, things that once bothered me now don't.

28:33 And you know, I, I, I always think back to is a, is an HBO miniseries I, I used to watch years ago. It's called Band of Brothers. I'm not sure if you're familiar with that. And it was, it was a, a great 10 episode series on the 101st Airborne in World War II. And in one of the interviews with one of the men who had served, he was talking about his experience as he was transitioning from combat into civilian life again. And he said, based on my experience where I shot a gun and killed people, I watched my friends die, I sat in terror for years. I felt like I could do anything. It was almost like he had obtained a superpower in a way. Right. And I feel not like that, but, but somewhat similar.

29:17 Like I feel like based on what I'm doing and absorbing every single day and just taking a beating and getting up and doing it again, that I have a power that other people don't have. Not that I want this to happen, but if it is, I'm going to embrace it and say like, I'm not going to worry about, you know, the, the electric bill is higher this month or I've got a flat tire or it's going to rain tomorrow and I want it to be sunny. None of that matters, none of it. Because this is horrific what we are experiencing. So it's a different perspective. And, and then kind of a tangent to that. You know, the, there's these local groups where people will complain about everything in town. You know, this speed bump, this pothole. And there was once somebody wrote about a person in the Starbucks drive thru.

30:05 Ahead of them was yelling at the barista about their order or something. And of course everybody is trashing the individual saying, oh, that person's a jerk. They should be yelling at this woman who is making minimum wage, et cetera. And I commented, I said, you know, you don't know what that person is facing. They could have a very broken inside that they didn't ask for and they're externalizing that brokenness and yelling at the individual. Now it's not right, but look at that person and what might be inside of them. We are very quick to judge and I think this experience has taught me to step back and think. We're all programmed based on our experiences from birth to now and we're a summation of those things and to have a little empathy because you don't know what someone else is experiencing and they could be having a worse day than you.

30:56 Absolutely. Yeah. That is true. Well, thank you so much, John, for sharing this with us today and wishing you all the best in the future. I think I heard you're starting a group in your community. Yeah. So there's a number of folks that I found that are local within, you know, a half a day's drive, let's say. And you know, it's great to be able to chat or text over the Internet, but getting in person I think is beneficial. So I'm trying to organize a local group of us to meet somewhere for a half a day and be able to share stories and bond over this experience and be able to reach out to, to the group whenever they need help. Because one of us has probably experienced something that another is struggling with. And if we can use our collective wisdom to help each other in person or even outside of meetings, makes a big difference. So hopefully if, if this works, we can try to get others in other areas of the country to do the same and just make something a little bit more substantial offline. Yeah, that would be awesome.

32:01 That would really be awesome. All right, well, thank you so much. We'll see you soon on another episode. And thanks to our viewers today. And thank you so much, John, for sharing your story and we wish you all the best. Thank you for having me. You know, midlife crisis is often dismissed as a cliche, but the reality is far more serious. Many folks feel that the mental health community has yet to formally classify midlife crisis as a psychological impairment with real world consequences. Research suggests that MLC can involve symptoms similar to depression, identity crises, and even dissociative states. Like other conditions that impair judgment, such as manic episodes and bipolar disorder or temporary psychosis, MLC often leads individuals to make reckless decisions that they later regret. But they don't even realize that these are things that they really wouldn't normally want to have happen under normal circumstances. To prevent MLC driven destruction, legal reform should be considered, such as waiting periods for major decisions.

33:09 Just as there are waiting periods for gun purchases and other high risk actions. A mandatory reflection period should be instituted before finalizing divorce or selling shared property. During an mlc, a lot of folks think legal oversight for spousal protection should be instilled. If one spouse claims the other is in midlife crisis, courts could require mediation and mental health assessments before irreversible legal actions would be taken. Because throughout our stories, you're going to hear almost the same exact behavior by the people experiencing a midlife crisis. There could be 100 people, 99 of them are going to act exactly the same, even with the same phrases and behavior.

33:53 It's absolutely uncanny. So for this reason, we really feel midlife crisis should be recognized as a serious mental health and legal issue. Until there are systems in place to ensure that individuals in crisis are not making irreversible decisions, countless spouses will continue to suffer unnecessary devastation. It's time for the mental health and legal communities to address this growing epidemic and implement protections that recognize MLC as a legitimate temporary impairment. It is temporary, hopefully not long lasting. But for many women, they say it could last three to five years. And for men, it's often, I believe, three to 10 years. So, you know, when they come out of a tunnel and they realize what they've done, it, you know, somebody's got to be there to help protect them. And that's what we hope to show you guys through these episodes is, you know, what a midlife crisis is really like and, you know, hopefully spread awareness so more folks can be prepared and aware, because it's not just about buying a car. But thank you for joining us today. Stay strong, stay awesome, and join us soon for another episode of Midlife Crisis from Bomb Drop and beyond.