After the Bomb: One Wife's Story of Betrayal and Strength

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A midlife crisis is more than just a cultural stereotype.

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It's a real psychological struggle that can surface

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between the ages of 40 and 60,

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often triggered by aging, loss or unmet

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expectations. It can lead individuals to question their identity,

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make impulsive choices, or abruptly

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abandon long term commitments.

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While not officially classified as a mental illness, the emotional

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and relational fallout is very real, especially for

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the spouses and families left behind.

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This podcast gives voice to those living through the aftermath,

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exposing the hidden pain and seeking accountability,

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healing and understanding.

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The stories and events discussed in this podcast are

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based on our guest experiences and are intended for informational

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and entertainment purposes. Purposes only. They should not be considered legal,

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medical or professional advice. Any names, locations or

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identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any similarities

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to actual persons, living or dead, or real events are purely coincidental.

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The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily

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reflect those of the host or the podcast creators. Listeners should consult with

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a qualified professional regarding their own circumstances.

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Foreign in

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today's episode, you are going to hear Janie's bomb drop and

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you are going to be reminded to follow your intuition,

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trust your gut instincts, pay attention to red

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flags, and know that you will get through this one day

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sooner than you think. You will actually realize that you are stronger,

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you are happy, you are peaceful,

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and we want you to be ready to say yes when fun new opportunities

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present themselves, because they will. The best is

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yet ahead. I know it's horrible now when you're going through a bomb drop at

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whatever stage you're at, but it does get better.

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And Jamie's gonna tell us a little about that right here.

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All right. Hey everybody. Today I've got Janie who's going to

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tell us about her bomb drop. It's been several years now and she's

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going to take it away. All right. Hi Janie. Thanks for joining us today.

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Thanks for having me. I'm excited to tell my

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story. Well, it's been almost four

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years now. I'm coming up on four years. Bomb drop was June 11th,

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so it'll be four, four years in June.

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And I feel sorry for.

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I have sympathy for everyone that's new to this. I know how

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hard it is to be in that place when your world falls apart.

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And we've been there and we

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understand what everyone's going through. So I mean stay in those groups for support as

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long as you need it. So I guess I'll start with our

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marriage. We were Married in for 19

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years at the time of bomb drop, 18 years at the time of Bomb Drop.

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And it was a happy marriage, at least I thought it was.

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I thought he was happy. I was happy. We had a beautiful

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home, we had lots of friends, we entertained. It was a

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good life. He never made me feel like I wasn't loved.

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He would tuck me in every night and always tell me how much he loved

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me. So about a month, yeah,

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he was a sweetheart. But hindsight, I think maybe

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he was overcompensating for his lifestyle that I didn't know about.

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But when Bomb Drop happened about

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a month earlier, he had gone out to a

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trip with friends that he had gone on yearly. And when

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he came back, he was acting often. I mean, this is a. I knew him

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at that point for 30 years of my life because we had dated

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for three years before we got married and we knew

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each other for seven years before we even started dating. So we were friends on

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top of that. So he came

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home and he just was acting strange. I kept asking, is there something wrong?

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You know, are you okay? Something happened out on your trip?

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No, just busy at work. So I got every excuse use in the book.

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And there was just about a month after him

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giving me excuses, he came home one night and he was at

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a meeting and when he came home,

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he was running kind of late and something just hit me. And I

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remember texting him and saying, are you going to ask me for

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a divorce or are you just going to leave me? I don't know where it

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came from. But I text him that and he's like, what are you talking about?

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And so he got home and he wasn't late that night.

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It was still early, not about 10 o' clock at night. And he came in

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and he said, I'm not happy and I don't know

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if I want to be married anymore. And I was just beside

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myself, was shocked, like I couldn't believe what was hearing from

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him. This man who was my rock and my best friend, who I had been

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trying to get to talk to me for the last month, just like lays this

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on me. And I asked him right away, is there someone else?

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Well, he denied that that was on a Friday night.

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By Saturday afternoon, I called my girlfriend

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pretty much right away and she said, check your phone bill. Which I didn't

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even think to do. So I checked our phone bill and sure enough,

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from the phone bill I figured out who she was.

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And I knew her. We ran in the same circle and

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I knew her husband.

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And so it was kind of shocking to find out and to see the

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hundreds and thousands of text Messages and the long

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phone conversations and everything. So he

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refused to talk to me. That went on for probably about a week.

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It was hard. I didn't. I couldn't

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stop crying for a week. And he didn't care. He was just oblivious

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to the. So wait, let's back up. So.

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Once you saw the phone bill and you saw this, did you

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present it to him and say, hey, what's going on? I did. So he

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was in his man cave, and I went down there and I said, whose phone

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number is this? I don't know. I'm like, well, it's all over the phone

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bill. Someone you've been talking to. So.

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And I knew who it was, and I told him. I said,

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it's Skankalicious. We'll call her.

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I said, it's Skankalicious. Phone number. And she was on

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that business, that trip with you, with your friends, and she was in the picture

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that your friend posted on Facebook when I asked you why was she hanging out

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with you guys if she didn't bowl on, if she wasn't on your team?

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And, oh, I don't know. She's from a different town. And I'm like,

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no, no, she's not. So he tried to cover his tracks

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before I found the phone number. Well, I called her that night,

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and she hung up, obviously. And I

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basically screamed in the phone, leave my husband alone. And that's

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when he just was like, oh, the trust is broken. It's over now. It's over.

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And that's all he had to say for himself for about a week.

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And so, because, you know, as women,

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we want to research everything. So me and my girlfriend figured out who

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her husband was. We were going to call the husband,

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and I made the mistake of giving my husband

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too much information at the time, and he insisted that they were already

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going through a divorce process, and her husband was a jerk.

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And, you know, anything he could do to deter me

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from calling the husband, because I had the husband's phone number.

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So that was in June. Last week,

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too. I'm just gonna back up. You said you guys ran in the same circles,

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or did you had you actually met her face to face beforehand? Oh,

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yeah. I had known her for a couple years, yes.

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Oh, but you had never met her husband. I did

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meet her husband. Never met her husband. I did meet her husband prior to

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all of this blowing up. He was at an event, and all

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of us girls, and we were, you know, just a group of girls standing

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there talking. And when he came in and she was part of that group.

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And we're like, oh, who's that hottie? Oh, that's my husband. So he

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was a very attractive man. We were all like, oh, that's a keeper. You know.

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You know how women we. We're married, we're not

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dead, but that's as far as we would take it. Yeah.

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So, yeah, I knew her. I didn't know her husband very well at the time,

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but I knew her pretty well.

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So the fact that it

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was her is just. I guess after everything I found out,

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it's not a surprise. Come to find out she had two previous affairs

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on her husband prior to having an affair with my husband.

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I'm jumping ahead a little bit here, but they were actually in

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counseling from her second affair to try to save their marriage when she started the

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affair with my husband. So. But during

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that summer, he would. He was. He. He was

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a drinker. Quite a big. Bob was quite a big drinker,

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but he always seemed to have it under control. But after

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the affair came out, it just turned into.

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He'd get home from work and it went from drinking a few

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beers to whiskey, Almost a full glass of whiskey drink, till he'd pass

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out. And he'd wake up and he'd start drinking, and it got so horrible.

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It's like he was just. You could see he was drowning himself. And he would

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say things to me like, I'm broken and I love you,

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and I don't know what I want, and I'm so confused. But then I would

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catch him staring off into space, playing love songs

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on the radio and looking like a teenager in heat,

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for God's sakes. I mean, he would sit there, and you could just see the

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look on his face when he started thinking about her. And I'm like, it was

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just so disgusting. And I. You know, I tried to ignore it because

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I'm just like, okay, we're going to get through this. Let's get into counseling.

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You know, I don't need counseling. And, you know,

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people just fall out of love, and this is just what happens. But. But I

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remember one specific event from that summer.

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We had a big fight the night before, and the

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next morning, he came up and was telling me how much he loved

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me. And he choose our marriage, and he wanted to save us, and he

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was committed 100% to me. And he was going to a bowling

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or he was going to a golfing tournament that day, so he asked me to

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drop him off, and he'd get a ride home from the guys that he was

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meeting there. So I drove him down there, and he

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didn't come home until very, very late.

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And when I finally realized I could get access to his Google

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locator, I found out where he was. And he was at a friend's house

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in a neighboring town. I said, what were you doing at Jill's

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house? Oh, there's a bar right across the street from our house.

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Well, my therapist was right down there. So I drove past, and there's

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no bar on that street. And I told him that. So he was with her

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that night, telling me how much he loves me, wants the marriage, but ended up

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at her place with her that evening. So that

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went on for a couple months, till August.

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And then he said that it was over. He ended it with her, and he

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decided to get counseling as well, which I think

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was. I kind of pushed him into it, thinking it would help save the marriage.

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I think he used the counselor to justify his affair

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and to realize that he wanted

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out of the marriage because people change is what he told me. People change.

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But from. Oh, geez. It must

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have been from August, September through January,

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December, beginning of December. I thought

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everything was getting better. He just found a way to hide it better.

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So I'd still catch him staring off

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into space and thinking about her and. Or when he locked

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his phone down so tight I couldn't get in his phone, but I had the

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Google GPS on so I could tell

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exactly where he was going. Well, I checked it, and he had spent a morning

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with her, and I confronted him on that, and he was just there talking to

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her. Just all the things. I mean, now I say these things now, and I'm

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like, well, how could I believe any of this? But we want to believe it's

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our husbands. You know, this is a person I've known for. Well, maybe he was

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saying stuff like, oh, she's having a rough time with her husband and trying

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to give her advice. Well, in the meantime, she had left

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her husband and moved closer to where

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my house is so she could be available. So she got an apartment

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down here and told her husband she needed space to think about what she wanted.

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They were still in counseling. So fast

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forward to the day,

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the Saturday after Thanksgiving. There's this big event that he

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would go to every year, and usually I would go shopping,

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and I would stop in and say hi to all these people. Half the people

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that were at our wedding and are all good friends, friends of ours.

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No, no, no, don't stop. I don't want you there,

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because she's going to be there. She's going to be at this event.

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So I should have dropped everything, and I should

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have went there. Would it have changed anything? Probably not.

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So he was making out with her in front of everybody that night.

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All of our friends, everyone that was. That knew me, that knew

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him, that knew of our marriage, and everyone was

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just shocked. And.

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Wait, how did you find this out? I didn't find this out until a week

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later. So that was the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

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On the following Thursday night, he came home and

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he told me that he was leaving me to be with her.

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And I didn't sleep at all that night.

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He went to work the next day like nothing happened. I called his best friend,

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who was the man? He was the best man

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in our wedding. And he knew, but he played stupid.

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And he said he would talk to him. It didn't

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matter at that point, he was leaving, but he

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told me he needed space and that he was just going to go get a

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hotel for a few weeks and think about what he really

232
00:15:37,650 --> 00:15:41,550
wanted. Well, that's not what he did. So the

233
00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:45,150
next morning, and I knew the address of the apartment, I drove down there the

234
00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:49,110
next morning. I had our wedding rings in my car.

235
00:15:49,610 --> 00:15:52,950
I had our wedding picture in our car. I found his truck there.

236
00:15:53,350 --> 00:15:56,910
And they wouldn't come to the door. They wouldn't answer the door.

237
00:15:57,410 --> 00:16:01,210
I sat outside, called, text. He wouldn't come in. So I

238
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:04,330
stopped at his mother's house on the way home and gave everything to her.

239
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:08,170
And I said, I can't do this anymore. I don't know what he's

240
00:16:08,670 --> 00:16:11,890
doing. He's with her. And he never came home

241
00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:15,890
after that. So about a month after that, I filed

242
00:16:16,390 --> 00:16:20,010
for divorce. And he was shocked that I filed so

243
00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:23,250
quickly, but I needed to protect myself.

244
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:27,860
He was. Lord knows what kind of money he was spending on

245
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,900
her prior to that.

246
00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:35,220
But he came

247
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,900
and got. The Saturday that I found him at

248
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:42,700
her house. He came back to our house and grabbed some more of his clothes.

249
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,540
And I was beside myself. I mean, I was a puddle of

250
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,300
a mess on the floor, crying, begging him to rethink what he was

251
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,180
doing and what he was throwing away. And we built this beautiful life.

252
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,010
We have our house, Our bills are paid for. We. We are set for

253
00:16:58,510 --> 00:17:01,330
retirement. Like, what are you doing? You're blowing up your whole house,

254
00:17:01,490 --> 00:17:05,010
your whole life for this woman that you're having an affair with?

255
00:17:05,490 --> 00:17:09,210
Well, I'm in love. I love her. And I'm like. And I

256
00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:12,650
told him, I said, well, our marriage can't compete with new love. I get it

257
00:17:13,150 --> 00:17:16,530
new love is exciting and fun, but you're a married man. You made a commitment.

258
00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:20,050
We said vows like, what are you doing? This isn't the man I married.

259
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,460
And he's like, well, maybe I just didn't love you enough to stay faithful.

260
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:29,180
That was one of the things he said to me that just hurt.

261
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,380
But I wanted to fix it. And I begged and begged and begged

262
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,620
and he basically walked over me laying on the floor to leave the house so

263
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,420
he could go back to her. And other

264
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,700
people saw them at an event later that day like nothing had happened. Everything was

265
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,810
fine. They were together. So they

266
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:53,570
went, they were very public after, well before that,

267
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:58,450
but after he moved in with her, they went public immediately

268
00:17:58,530 --> 00:18:02,810
that day. And it was finally,

269
00:18:03,310 --> 00:18:07,650
I had to block him on social media because they were posting everything and

270
00:18:08,150 --> 00:18:11,250
it was just disgusting. I couldn't see it anymore. It was just too hurtful.

271
00:18:11,330 --> 00:18:14,450
I would send him messages like, you're still married, so is she. Like,

272
00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:17,690
you're posting all this, you know, stuff on like, how,

273
00:18:18,190 --> 00:18:21,210
how. What do you think this looks like to the world? Like teenagers.

274
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:24,810
Yeah. Yeah. You guys are two cheaters and you're posting to the

275
00:18:25,310 --> 00:18:27,730
world about how much you're in love with each other, but you're still married to

276
00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:29,850
other people, you know,

277
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:35,610
so I, and then, then came all the expensive trips and

278
00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:40,770
they were, they were jet setting around like they were, you know, this big

279
00:18:41,270 --> 00:18:45,470
power couple. So the divorce took about

280
00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:49,870
a year and then after the divorce, they bought their mansion,

281
00:18:49,950 --> 00:18:53,390
this humongous six bedroom, six bath house for the two of them.

282
00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:58,150
And she's got a four karat diamond

283
00:18:58,650 --> 00:19:01,670
ring on her hand, a brand new car. So they're close to a.

284
00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:05,550
He went from debt free to almost a million dollars in debt within a year

285
00:19:06,050 --> 00:19:12,920
of our divorce. And, and his karma's

286
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:18,640
catching up, but it's going to take a while longer. But during

287
00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:22,640
the entire process, I didn't leave the house for

288
00:19:23,140 --> 00:19:26,720
four months after he left me. It was pretty brutal. I would have groceries

289
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:30,520
delivered. I didn't want to talk. The only people I would talk to, my mother

290
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:34,390
would come and stay with me for a while. My brother was he here is

291
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:38,110
my support. My sister lives out of state, so I would talk to

292
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:41,990
her and a couple of my girlfriends. But I kept my circle really

293
00:19:42,490 --> 00:19:46,070
tight and I mean, I finally started going, okay,

294
00:19:46,230 --> 00:19:48,550
I've got to at least go to the grocery store. I can do this.

295
00:19:49,510 --> 00:19:53,270
So I would get dressed and go to the grocery store

296
00:19:53,430 --> 00:19:57,110
and I'd cry all the way there and I'd cry All the way home.

297
00:19:57,610 --> 00:20:00,350
But in the grocery store, I held it together. So I started with little baby

298
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:04,750
steps of trying to get back into society, because my. When your whole world blows

299
00:20:05,250 --> 00:20:08,630
up like that, like, your sense of reality is

300
00:20:09,130 --> 00:20:12,470
gone. Like, who do you trust? Like, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't feel

301
00:20:12,970 --> 00:20:15,910
like I could leave my house and be safe. My safety net was gone,

302
00:20:16,410 --> 00:20:17,230
and he was my safety net.

303
00:20:20,110 --> 00:20:23,950
It was hard. And one of my girlfriends,

304
00:20:24,670 --> 00:20:28,560
that she was actually in my wedding finally

305
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:32,360
reached out, and we. We met for dinner one night and

306
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,160
talked about it, and she slowly but surely

307
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:39,240
got me to go out. She's like, well, let's go see this band at this

308
00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:43,400
park down the street. Okay, I'll go with you. So she started getting me.

309
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:47,120
She brought me back to life, and I'll be forever grateful for

310
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:49,640
her. And it was still hard. I mean, I was still dealing with it,

311
00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:53,480
but I was trying to get myself out of the house so I could start

312
00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:57,650
getting some safety back in myself and feel confident and just

313
00:20:58,150 --> 00:21:01,210
like, I'm going to be okay. I mean, at that point,

314
00:21:01,710 --> 00:21:05,530
my motto is, fake it till you make it. And that began

315
00:21:06,010 --> 00:21:10,089
my summer of yes. So that was the summer that somebody

316
00:21:10,589 --> 00:21:12,570
asked me to do something. I'm going to say yes whether I feel like it

317
00:21:13,070 --> 00:21:16,730
or not, because it would just. It gets your mind off

318
00:21:17,230 --> 00:21:19,930
of thinking about it constantly and wondering, you know,

319
00:21:22,330 --> 00:21:25,690
So I met someone that summer,

320
00:21:26,010 --> 00:21:29,650
and we started dating, and that was way too soon.

321
00:21:30,150 --> 00:21:34,090
I wasn't even divorced yet. It was a toxic relationship.

322
00:21:34,410 --> 00:21:38,330
But I think that part of me felt safe to jump back

323
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:42,170
into that wife role, so to say, because he

324
00:21:42,670 --> 00:21:46,500
was very demanding, and it

325
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,460
was not a good relationship. It was toxic. So I cautioned,

326
00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:52,580
wait, wait, just wait. Don't jump in.

327
00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:57,700
But I jumped into this relationship with him because it felt

328
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,140
comfortable to have someone else there to help with

329
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,780
things around the house. It's a lot to take care of a house by yourself

330
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,660
when you're used to having the help. And she helped,

331
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,020
but on the emotional level, just not a very supportive partner.

332
00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:17,230
And I learned a lot from the relationship, I will say

333
00:22:17,730 --> 00:22:21,070
that. And I also made a lot of new friends and met some wonderful

334
00:22:21,570 --> 00:22:25,150
people through the relationship. So that would be the best things that came

335
00:22:25,650 --> 00:22:29,310
out of it and definitely realized what my worth

336
00:22:29,810 --> 00:22:33,350
is and what I will and won't accept from a

337
00:22:33,850 --> 00:22:39,120
man in the future. So it did help me in my healing journey quite

338
00:22:39,620 --> 00:22:43,560
a bit. And, I mean, I'm in a great place now,

339
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,080
but in the four years there's been

340
00:22:48,580 --> 00:22:51,880
A lot of ups and downs. I would get so many breadcrumbs from Bob.

341
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:57,000
About five months after he left me, he was messaging me

342
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,840
one night how much he missed me and he loved

343
00:23:01,340 --> 00:23:04,720
me. And he missed everything. He missed our animals,

344
00:23:05,220 --> 00:23:09,060
he missed our pets, he missed our house, he missed the backyard. He missed everything

345
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,700
about me. And I mean, at that point,

346
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,700
if he would have came home, thank God he didn't, I probably would

347
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:22,460
have let him come home. And it would have been an epic fail because he's

348
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,820
still deep in it. But that went

349
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:31,060
on for probably the last three years. I haven't received anything in probably

350
00:23:31,780 --> 00:23:34,220
nine months. So it's been a while.

351
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:39,380
So I don't know if it's going to happen again. But it's

352
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,180
hard to resist those breadcrumbs when they come because you still care about the person

353
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,180
you were married to, but they're not that person anymore. That's the hardest

354
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,060
thing to realize is that's not your safety anymore. That's not

355
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:55,060
your safe space. The only reason they're reaching

356
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:59,430
out and breadcrumbing you is for their own to

357
00:23:59,930 --> 00:24:03,030
appease something in them. It's for them. It's not for us.

358
00:24:04,390 --> 00:24:07,270
And it's a hard problem because when you think, oh,

359
00:24:08,470 --> 00:24:11,430
they're finally thinking about me. They still love me. No,

360
00:24:11,910 --> 00:24:15,190
no. They're just reaching out to appease something they're missing.

361
00:24:15,750 --> 00:24:19,190
And that's all it is. But I think they call

362
00:24:19,690 --> 00:24:22,790
it anchor checking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He. Anchor checks a lot.

363
00:24:23,350 --> 00:24:26,990
He hasn't in a while, but I would not be surprised if it

364
00:24:27,490 --> 00:24:30,990
comes again. But I've gotten a lot better in dealing with those anchor

365
00:24:31,490 --> 00:24:35,150
checks. Now, if he does it, I don't think I would respond at

366
00:24:35,650 --> 00:24:38,870
this point. He's done so much damage.

367
00:24:40,790 --> 00:24:44,190
And the Bob that you see around now, is he different from

368
00:24:44,690 --> 00:24:45,430
the Bob you were married to?

369
00:24:47,830 --> 00:24:51,510
Well, he's not. He was always such

370
00:24:52,010 --> 00:24:55,780
a happy, fun, vibrant man when we

371
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,340
were married. Like he was the life of the party. He was always positive.

372
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:03,340
You know, he'd read books on positivity and he. He was.

373
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,420
He. What I thought was a good person. You know, I. If I

374
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,060
had problems, I could go to him and he would help me or he'd give

375
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,300
me the solution or he'd cheer me up, whatever he could do. When I.

376
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:18,300
The last time I talked to him, which was about a week or two

377
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,970
ago, concerning some financial matters, he sounded defeated.

378
00:25:22,850 --> 00:25:25,650
He did not sound upbeat or positive.

379
00:25:26,530 --> 00:25:29,690
He sounded horrible. And I even asked him, are you okay? Is your

380
00:25:30,190 --> 00:25:34,050
mom okay? You don't sound right. And he just said, I. I'm just.

381
00:25:34,290 --> 00:25:37,650
I gotta do something about all the debt I'm in. Which I knew was gonna

382
00:25:38,150 --> 00:25:41,370
catch up with them. I mean, who goes into a million dollars

383
00:25:41,870 --> 00:25:45,010
in debt in your 50s? What are you thinking?

384
00:25:47,820 --> 00:25:51,780
But I mean. And I know we talk a lot about childhood

385
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:56,180
trauma and family of origin, and he has quite

386
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,380
a bit childhood trauma. He was.

387
00:26:01,740 --> 00:26:05,700
He never knew his real father. I think that he

388
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,580
knew who he was, but there was never any relationship there.

389
00:26:10,300 --> 00:26:14,340
He was pretty much abandoned by him. He was adopted

390
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:19,580
by his adoptive father. And that man was an

391
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,260
alcoholic also, and a womanizer.

392
00:26:23,300 --> 00:26:26,100
So that marriage ended.

393
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:31,580
And I know that was traumatizing to him. And these were things we had talked

394
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:35,660
about over the years. I mean, we were together 23 years, but so

395
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,620
I thought that it was getting. I thought that he was dealing with it.

396
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:44,160
And I come from a very strong family. My parents

397
00:26:44,660 --> 00:26:48,360
have been married 61 years now, I believe it is. And my father.

398
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,880
My mom and dad loved him, so he was the favorite uncle.

399
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:56,280
My dad loved him like a son.

400
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,400
So he got a lot of love from my family,

401
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:03,920
and he walked away from it all for this woman who

402
00:27:04,420 --> 00:27:07,570
was just horrible.

403
00:27:10,530 --> 00:27:13,650
But, I mean, it's. I don't think there's anything we can do.

404
00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:17,530
It's not our fault that what happened to us is not our

405
00:27:18,030 --> 00:27:21,370
fault. I think they would go through this no matter who

406
00:27:21,870 --> 00:27:24,450
they're married to. You know, you could be a supermodel, and they're going to do

407
00:27:24,950 --> 00:27:27,970
it to you. It doesn't matter what we look like, how much we love them.

408
00:27:28,210 --> 00:27:31,410
It's what. How. What they're doing is all about them. It's not.

409
00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:35,130
It's not about us, but we. I mean, I have

410
00:27:35,630 --> 00:27:39,210
a lot of. Yeah, there are the supermodels and

411
00:27:39,710 --> 00:27:42,210
celebrities that it's happened to. I mean, you know,

412
00:27:42,930 --> 00:27:46,770
right. Ben Affleck's. Why Jennifer Garner.

413
00:27:46,930 --> 00:27:50,930
I mean, you know, Sandra Bullock. I mean,

414
00:27:51,430 --> 00:27:55,010
just. Yeah, it just these poor folks, male and female,

415
00:27:55,510 --> 00:27:58,050
that have that. That fall into the midlife crisis.

416
00:28:00,130 --> 00:28:04,050
And I really think that she. Skankalicious was going

417
00:28:04,550 --> 00:28:08,250
through her own. After my husband left me, I did

418
00:28:08,750 --> 00:28:12,690
get in contact with her husband. And funny thing is,

419
00:28:14,930 --> 00:28:18,330
I couldn't get in contact with him. So my sister contacted

420
00:28:18,830 --> 00:28:22,250
him through Facebook messenger and got

421
00:28:22,750 --> 00:28:27,680
his phone number or got my phone number to him. And so

422
00:28:28,180 --> 00:28:31,240
we finally got in contact and come to find out she went into his Facebook

423
00:28:31,740 --> 00:28:34,240
and blocked me. So he. I couldn't find him on Facebook,

424
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,800
and she also blocked my phone number. From his phone,

425
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,680
so he had to call. So when my sister sent him my

426
00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:46,120
phone number, he called me, but I couldn't ever call him. So he ended up

427
00:28:46,620 --> 00:28:50,000
fixing that. But we talked that night, that night,

428
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,630
that Saturday that I would find him

429
00:28:54,130 --> 00:28:56,590
at her apartment. We talked for three, four hours that night.

430
00:28:57,070 --> 00:29:00,790
And I actually missed him about five minutes at that house because he was

431
00:29:01,290 --> 00:29:04,750
there that morning, too, and he saw the truck there, and they were supposed

432
00:29:05,250 --> 00:29:07,429
to go to counseling that morning, and she didn't show up. And that's why he

433
00:29:07,929 --> 00:29:09,630
was there. Yeah.

434
00:29:11,630 --> 00:29:15,150
So we had a long conversation just about what was going on and

435
00:29:16,430 --> 00:29:20,070
filled each other in with what we both knew. And it

436
00:29:20,570 --> 00:29:24,230
was just shocking. Like, he knew that the

437
00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:27,470
marriage was in trouble. I mean, she moved out and she did it while he

438
00:29:27,970 --> 00:29:31,270
was out of town, but they were still, you know,

439
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:34,310
seeing each other and going to counseling and trying to get the marriage to work.

440
00:29:34,810 --> 00:29:38,710
And I remember making a comment to Bob before he had

441
00:29:39,210 --> 00:29:42,030
left me, like, why can't you leave her alone? Maybe she's trying to work it

442
00:29:42,530 --> 00:29:44,910
out with her husband. Did you ever think of that? That you're hurting them,

443
00:29:45,410 --> 00:29:48,710
too, by pursuing this relationship with this other married woman?

444
00:29:49,210 --> 00:29:52,870
I'm like, but they were in love. They were in

445
00:29:53,370 --> 00:29:56,710
love. But was it limerence? I don't

446
00:29:57,210 --> 00:29:59,830
know. Infatuation, for sure.

447
00:30:00,790 --> 00:30:04,350
I mean, the look on his face when I'd catch him thinking about her was

448
00:30:04,850 --> 00:30:08,710
just. He was off in la la land. I mean,

449
00:30:08,790 --> 00:30:12,300
it. When I think about it now, it's funny. It. It.

450
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,700
It's not. It wasn't funny when it happened, but now I'm just like, how pathetic

451
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,540
was that? You know? But it's hard. It takes you a long time to

452
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:23,260
come to terms with looking at what happened and

453
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,500
realizing I did not. I didn't deserve that. Like, I was a good

454
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,980
wife. I went to work every day. I kept our house clean, I cooked

455
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,980
dinner. You know, we. We were a team. And, like, you blindsided

456
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:40,510
me, and then you abandoned. It's a painful thing

457
00:30:41,010 --> 00:30:44,590
to go through, and it's a long journey, and it destroys your trust in human

458
00:30:44,830 --> 00:30:48,830
beings. I mean, it destroys your trust

459
00:30:49,330 --> 00:30:53,110
in people. It destroys the thought that you had

460
00:30:53,610 --> 00:30:57,310
about the world around you, and you question your

461
00:30:57,810 --> 00:31:03,200
safety and your sanity and your whole life and such

462
00:31:03,700 --> 00:31:07,280
a horrible journey. But I got involved

463
00:31:07,780 --> 00:31:12,280
with some great. Some great therapists that

464
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:17,240
helped me really dig in and just

465
00:31:17,740 --> 00:31:20,840
work it out. My last therapist had me do one

466
00:31:21,340 --> 00:31:24,120
of the most therapeutic things I ever did, and I recommend this to everyone,

467
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:28,760
is to write a F off letter to

468
00:31:29,260 --> 00:31:32,830
Your ex husband. And it doesn't have to be in order.

469
00:31:32,910 --> 00:31:37,070
It can just be random thoughts and whatever. You put whatever

470
00:31:37,470 --> 00:31:41,230
you want in that letter. And I, granted, I never sent it. You're not

471
00:31:41,730 --> 00:31:45,790
supposed to send it. Don't send it. But it was very therapeutic.

472
00:31:47,870 --> 00:31:51,230
And I'll tell you what, I. I added on to that. I kept adding.

473
00:31:51,950 --> 00:31:55,590
It was probably six pages. Yeah. It's important to

474
00:31:56,090 --> 00:31:58,910
know, like, remind yourself why you wouldn't go back, you know? Right,

475
00:31:59,070 --> 00:32:02,470
right. And I mean, I wanted him back for a very long time

476
00:32:02,970 --> 00:32:06,910
after he left, I wanted him back. And I'm like, if he just comes home,

477
00:32:07,410 --> 00:32:11,150
we can fix this. You know, we were special. We had a special marriage.

478
00:32:11,650 --> 00:32:15,230
We were the special ones. We. And we weren't. It wasn't

479
00:32:15,730 --> 00:32:16,430
special. It wasn't.

480
00:32:18,590 --> 00:32:22,190
It wasn't how it's supposed to be. And when you step back,

481
00:32:23,660 --> 00:32:27,220
when you're detached from it and you start looking back on the marriage and you

482
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:31,540
can see the flaws. Did I enable him to be

483
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:35,540
an alcoholic? Possibly. So I looked at myself

484
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:39,340
too, and what parts I played in the marriage.

485
00:32:41,740 --> 00:32:44,300
And I think, I mean, like I said, I know I was a good wife

486
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,740
and I loved him completely. And I mean,

487
00:32:48,130 --> 00:32:51,810
I was married. I was married for life. We said vows

488
00:32:52,310 --> 00:32:55,610
in front of God and our families, and that's how I

489
00:32:56,110 --> 00:32:59,210
was raised. But I

490
00:32:59,710 --> 00:33:03,810
think I enabled him to drink as much as he did. And I tried to,

491
00:33:04,049 --> 00:33:07,570
hey, you're drinking a lot lately. You gotta pull it back a

492
00:33:08,070 --> 00:33:11,370
little bit. But he's completely gone off the rails

493
00:33:11,870 --> 00:33:15,010
with drinking now. From the things my friends still tell me,

494
00:33:15,890 --> 00:33:19,370
it's gotten worse. So it's

495
00:33:19,870 --> 00:33:22,850
only a matter of time before that catches up to him. Well,

496
00:33:23,730 --> 00:33:27,530
a mutual friend we have was over at my house doing some work for

497
00:33:28,030 --> 00:33:31,490
me and was giving me an update on what's going on with

498
00:33:31,990 --> 00:33:35,570
Bob. And he hangs

499
00:33:36,070 --> 00:33:39,530
in the same circles with Bob and they're at

500
00:33:40,030 --> 00:33:43,970
a bowling tournament together. And my friend received

501
00:33:44,470 --> 00:33:47,570
a topless photo from the bathroom of bowling alley that

502
00:33:48,070 --> 00:33:51,370
they're at of Bob's Skankalicious.

503
00:33:52,170 --> 00:33:54,890
So sounds like there's trouble in paradise already.

504
00:33:57,450 --> 00:33:59,930
And he. And Bob is also.

505
00:34:00,490 --> 00:34:03,850
His alcoholism is just going over the top. They found him passed

506
00:34:04,350 --> 00:34:07,770
out in a bathroom at a bowling alley and he did not want to

507
00:34:08,270 --> 00:34:10,330
stop and stayed there because all of his friends were there and he had to

508
00:34:10,830 --> 00:34:15,169
be there. But I think my friend also said that last

509
00:34:15,669 --> 00:34:18,849
year they were very close and tight at the hip and always right

510
00:34:19,349 --> 00:34:22,849
next to each other in Lovey Dovey. And he's like this year when they come

511
00:34:23,349 --> 00:34:26,929
in to bowling, they're on opposite sides of the lanes. And she

512
00:34:27,429 --> 00:34:31,129
looks pissed off and he looks pissed off, and he's like,

513
00:34:31,629 --> 00:34:34,169
you can tell there's trouble in paradise. That they are not happy.

514
00:34:35,769 --> 00:34:40,600
They did. They have planned their wedding for 2026

515
00:34:41,100 --> 00:34:44,640
in July at a very expensive resort in Mexico. My friend said it

516
00:34:45,140 --> 00:34:48,360
was very. He said it was. Nobody really wanted to go because they picked such

517
00:34:48,860 --> 00:34:52,160
an expensive resort that no one can afford to go. So that'll be interesting to

518
00:34:52,660 --> 00:34:56,360
see if they make it there. But, but yeah. So it sounds like she's

519
00:34:56,860 --> 00:35:00,960
looking for another affair partner. So. So they

520
00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:04,700
are. According to him, they were super in love. Yeah.

521
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:09,060
And now she's sending topless photos to his friends.

522
00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:13,220
Yeah. Photos of herself. Of herself.

523
00:35:13,700 --> 00:35:16,980
Love herself. She's looking for another man.

524
00:35:17,140 --> 00:35:20,740
Yeah. I don't, Yeah. I,

525
00:35:21,060 --> 00:35:23,540
I, I, you can't make this stuff up.

526
00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:28,660
For sure. They were so in love, and they had,

527
00:35:28,900 --> 00:35:32,930
they had to destroy 23 years of marriage with their, with each

528
00:35:33,430 --> 00:35:37,050
of their spouses because they, they're. They were just in so much in love that

529
00:35:37,450 --> 00:35:40,530
that was the only thing that was going to work. So, yeah,

530
00:35:41,030 --> 00:35:44,530
karma's. Karma's finally coming back around. But I, I mean,

531
00:35:45,030 --> 00:35:47,370
I hope they stay together because they really do deserve each other.

532
00:35:48,170 --> 00:35:49,210
I guess so.

533
00:35:51,050 --> 00:35:53,610
At least they, they do have some sports in common.

534
00:35:54,090 --> 00:35:58,130
Yeah. Yeah. And her ex, is he doing okay? He is

535
00:35:58,630 --> 00:36:02,170
actually remarried to a wonderful girl. I have not met her, but I have talked

536
00:36:02,670 --> 00:36:06,390
to him a few times over. And every time I talk to him, he's just

537
00:36:06,890 --> 00:36:10,110
beaming and happy and so a happy ending

538
00:36:10,610 --> 00:36:14,190
for him as well. And he deserves it because he just a sweet sweetheart

539
00:36:14,690 --> 00:36:18,070
of a man. I don't understand why you

540
00:36:18,570 --> 00:36:21,990
would trade somebody like that in. Because he didn't deserve that. He was such a

541
00:36:22,490 --> 00:36:25,590
good man. But one thing with. You know,

542
00:36:26,390 --> 00:36:30,070
I was thinking about this the other day, about all

543
00:36:30,570 --> 00:36:34,470
of the stuff that goes on between Bob and Skankalicious.

544
00:36:34,970 --> 00:36:38,410
And I mean, imagine living your life like that.

545
00:36:38,490 --> 00:36:42,170
Always hiding behind a corner or a text

546
00:36:42,410 --> 00:36:45,730
or secrets. I mean, imagine living

547
00:36:46,230 --> 00:36:49,410
your whole life like that. Everything's hidden.

548
00:36:49,910 --> 00:36:53,650
Nobody really knows the real you. And I can't

549
00:36:54,150 --> 00:36:57,330
imagine that because I am

550
00:36:57,830 --> 00:37:01,840
at the point where I feel so much freedom and

551
00:37:02,340 --> 00:37:06,120
I have no guilt in my life. And I feel like my

552
00:37:06,620 --> 00:37:08,440
future is going to be incredible.

553
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,760
I'm not, I'm going to be able to share myself fully with a

554
00:37:14,260 --> 00:37:17,960
man and a partner in life and not have to have

555
00:37:18,460 --> 00:37:22,080
all of these. I don't understand how they can live like

556
00:37:22,580 --> 00:37:25,880
that because to have the freedom to start something that's clean and

557
00:37:26,380 --> 00:37:29,660
happy and true, like, there's not a.

558
00:37:29,820 --> 00:37:33,740
The feeling to be able to do that is so awesome and pure that

559
00:37:34,140 --> 00:37:36,380
I can't imagine life being different.

560
00:37:37,660 --> 00:37:41,300
And for them, their lives are never going to be that way.

561
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:45,420
They're never going to have this feeling of joy inside of them and this

562
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:49,380
happiness. And I was always afraid in the beginning that he

563
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:53,380
took that away from me through all of this. He took my joy and

564
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:57,370
he took my happiness, but he didn't. And I found it again.

565
00:37:57,870 --> 00:38:00,930
And it takes a while to get there, but, man, when you feel it,

566
00:38:01,430 --> 00:38:05,210
you feel it and think of the. That's really good you said

567
00:38:05,710 --> 00:38:09,450
that. Because I remember feeling that way too. And. And for our

568
00:38:09,950 --> 00:38:12,570
people that are new to this and might have just got a bomb drop,

569
00:38:12,650 --> 00:38:16,090
that's so important. That's just like your. Your joy and happiness,

570
00:38:16,170 --> 00:38:20,370
it comes from within. It doesn't come from your

571
00:38:20,870 --> 00:38:24,350
partner. You know, I mean, it's great when you have a great partner and they

572
00:38:24,850 --> 00:38:28,270
can add to your life, but you know what? If that joy

573
00:38:28,770 --> 00:38:31,910
and happiness doesn't come from within, you're never going to find it, you know,

574
00:38:32,150 --> 00:38:35,710
and that. That thing about being authentic, that is so important to

575
00:38:36,210 --> 00:38:40,270
live an authentic life, you know? Yes. Yeah. I can't imagine the whole not

576
00:38:40,770 --> 00:38:44,710
being authentic. You know, they could never. There's obviously in

577
00:38:45,210 --> 00:38:48,470
lies and another, you know, coming out of this.

578
00:38:48,970 --> 00:38:52,290
Like, it's all about mindset too. You know, you got to. You gotta feed yourself

579
00:38:52,790 --> 00:38:55,690
positivity. You've gotta talk to yourself the way you want to be talked to.

580
00:38:55,850 --> 00:38:59,170
You know, with my fitness journey, I mean, I've been

581
00:38:59,670 --> 00:39:03,450
on a fitness journey for a year now and just kept telling myself,

582
00:39:03,950 --> 00:39:06,410
I can do this and I can go get stronger and I can lift heavier

583
00:39:06,910 --> 00:39:10,650
and whatever, but it's such. You got to get in this positive mindset,

584
00:39:11,150 --> 00:39:13,610
you know, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved the right way.

585
00:39:13,770 --> 00:39:16,970
I mean, I deserve a partner that's proud to be with me. I deserve someone

586
00:39:17,470 --> 00:39:20,350
that's not going to lie to me. I deserve all these things.

587
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:25,750
We all deserve these things. And we can't let what they did define

588
00:39:26,250 --> 00:39:29,870
our future. We can't let them define us. We have to

589
00:39:30,030 --> 00:39:33,470
leave them behind. We've outgrown them.

590
00:39:34,109 --> 00:39:37,910
And if they catch up, they catch

591
00:39:38,410 --> 00:39:41,830
up. But that's a lot to overcome for them. But for

592
00:39:42,330 --> 00:39:43,310
us, the sky's the limit.

593
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:56,720
I do want to ask you about red flags. Oh, okay.

594
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,720
Absolutely. Red flags. Oh,

595
00:40:01,220 --> 00:40:05,280
geez, well, when I'll

596
00:40:05,780 --> 00:40:08,400
go back to a red flag that came up early on and I'm. I don't

597
00:40:08,900 --> 00:40:12,720
remember if we were married at this point or if we were engaged.

598
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,340
This was back when computers were still the big junk tech.

599
00:40:16,970 --> 00:40:19,770
They were the big pieces on the desk.

600
00:40:21,450 --> 00:40:24,610
And I had been gone to visit my sister

601
00:40:25,110 --> 00:40:28,170
for a week and when I came home I was on our computer doing something

602
00:40:28,730 --> 00:40:32,170
and somehow I wandered upon the chat

603
00:40:33,450 --> 00:40:36,490
and he was having a chat with somebody while I was gone about trying to

604
00:40:36,990 --> 00:40:40,290
get them to come to our house to have

605
00:40:40,790 --> 00:40:42,980
relations with him. And I, I,

606
00:40:44,100 --> 00:40:46,820
yeah, so when he came home, I'm like, what in the heck is this?

607
00:40:47,540 --> 00:40:50,620
Oh, I was just messing around. That's nothing serious. Blah, blah,

608
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,060
blah, blah. And I was like,

609
00:40:55,460 --> 00:40:58,700
that was my first I right there. And then I should have been like,

610
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:02,580
this is, we're done. This is, we're done. I'll tell you what, that happens to

611
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:06,740
me today, I'm done. But I believed him.

612
00:41:07,710 --> 00:41:11,470
And so we, I mean we got married and whatnot. So he started we

613
00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:15,110
want and I was in my mid-30s when we got married. So at that time

614
00:41:15,610 --> 00:41:18,230
I'm like, let's start, let's try to have children right away. Well, we weren't,

615
00:41:18,730 --> 00:41:23,709
we weren't getting pregnant. We weren't getting pregnant. So we went on fertility

616
00:41:24,209 --> 00:41:28,190
drugs and everything, which oh my God, those are horrible for you. Mood had

617
00:41:28,690 --> 00:41:31,950
had one miscarriage, went off the fertility drugs

618
00:41:32,590 --> 00:41:34,990
after that and ended up getting pregnant again.

619
00:41:36,110 --> 00:41:39,390
And on my 40th birthday we went in

620
00:41:39,790 --> 00:41:43,070
to and at that point I was turning 40, so I

621
00:41:43,570 --> 00:41:47,470
was pretty high risk and went in to

622
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:50,670
have the first ultrasound at 10 weeks and there was no heartbeat.

623
00:41:51,230 --> 00:41:54,670
So they had scheduled the DNC for that evening because they

624
00:41:55,170 --> 00:41:57,510
did not think this one was going to pass just because the way they had

625
00:41:58,010 --> 00:42:01,230
prepared to try to help the pregnancy hold and stay

626
00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:05,160
in. So they scheduled the DNC for that night.

627
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:09,480
And so he had an

628
00:42:09,980 --> 00:42:14,240
event that night that he had to be at a

629
00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:17,720
bowling tournament or a bowling league and he had to be there.

630
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:21,520
And he dropped me off the hospital to get my DNC and had his mother

631
00:42:22,020 --> 00:42:24,760
come and pick me up when it was done. So when I got home,

632
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,410
he was on the coach already half drunk, half.

633
00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:34,360
And yeah, he enjoyed his evening while I was in the hospital having

634
00:42:34,860 --> 00:42:38,400
a DNC. Was that actually your

635
00:42:38,900 --> 00:42:41,960
40th birthday? That was my, the day I turned 40.

636
00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:43,320
That was how I spent my day.

637
00:42:45,240 --> 00:42:49,160
Wow. That's how it happened on your 40th birthday.

638
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,880
He already had a bowling Thing planned.

639
00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:54,690
Yeah. Yep, Yep. Yeah.

640
00:42:55,490 --> 00:42:58,210
Very, very. What a great husband. I mean,

641
00:42:59,250 --> 00:43:02,690
and at that, I don't. I don't even rem. I remember

642
00:43:03,190 --> 00:43:06,610
just being so numb from this being my second miscarriage to.

643
00:43:07,090 --> 00:43:09,930
Because at that point that day, the doctor said,

644
00:43:10,430 --> 00:43:13,570
you're done. You're not doing this anymore. You're not going to have kids.

645
00:43:13,970 --> 00:43:16,730
You know, I mean, so I was pretty numb that day. So the whole day

646
00:43:17,230 --> 00:43:20,670
was kind of a blur. So when he did that, I mean, I was

647
00:43:21,170 --> 00:43:23,990
just kind of oblivious to everything around me.

648
00:43:26,150 --> 00:43:29,710
So it didn't really hit me until a few years later that,

649
00:43:30,210 --> 00:43:33,510
you know, I can't believe he freaking did and not. And I never told

650
00:43:33,670 --> 00:43:37,190
my closest girlfriend. I never told her he did that. And we were talking

651
00:43:37,830 --> 00:43:41,190
recently, we were talking within the last few years, and I told

652
00:43:41,690 --> 00:43:45,190
her that, and she looked at me and she said, what? He did what?

653
00:43:46,330 --> 00:43:49,850
I never knew that. And, you know, that was 15 years ago. And she's

654
00:43:50,350 --> 00:43:53,530
like, you never told me that. And I'm like, you know, I probably didn't tell

655
00:43:54,030 --> 00:43:57,330
you because I was so embarrassed about what he did that he

656
00:43:57,830 --> 00:44:00,970
did that. That's probably why I never freaking told anybody about it.

657
00:44:02,170 --> 00:44:05,810
So, yeah, you were protecting. You were protecting your reputation and

658
00:44:06,310 --> 00:44:10,210
everything. Hey, and, you know, his mom picks you up at the hospital. Did she

659
00:44:10,710 --> 00:44:14,800
have a. Did she say, you know, so sorry Bob isn't

660
00:44:15,300 --> 00:44:19,040
here. So sorry he's bowling on your 40th? Did she. Is she

661
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:20,640
empathetic towards any of this?

662
00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:26,760
She didn't say anything to me about that

663
00:44:27,260 --> 00:44:30,800
at all. I mean, she was upset because he's an only child. That was

664
00:44:31,300 --> 00:44:34,880
her last chance at having a grandbaby. Okay.

665
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:38,320
So she really, you know, she was upset that it was happening.

666
00:44:39,270 --> 00:44:44,710
But when I did talk to her, I finally went to her right

667
00:44:45,210 --> 00:44:48,430
before he left to go live with Skankalicious. I went

668
00:44:48,930 --> 00:44:52,430
and talked to her about it, and she's like, he's not

669
00:44:52,930 --> 00:44:55,790
going to do that. He loves you, and blah, blah, blah, and I'll talk to

670
00:44:56,290 --> 00:44:59,870
him. But he wouldn't talk to her either, because I had started telling more

671
00:45:00,370 --> 00:45:03,550
people about it, thinking maybe this will help bring him back to reality because he

672
00:45:04,050 --> 00:45:07,440
was so dark, detached from the world around him and reality

673
00:45:07,940 --> 00:45:12,640
that I'm like, I got to try to pull him back in here. And nothing

674
00:45:13,140 --> 00:45:16,120
mattered. Best friends talking to him, his mother talking to him.

675
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:20,720
Nothing mattered. That ship sailed with the day

676
00:45:21,220 --> 00:45:23,800
the affair came to light was the day the marriage was over.

677
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:27,640
And I should have. I should have had him leave the house on that day

678
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:30,590
because it would have brought me faster healing,

679
00:45:31,300 --> 00:45:35,060
honestly. Because having him home for those six months was

680
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:39,820
torture. That was pure torture. Watching him sit

681
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:43,500
there and daydream about another woman right in front of me was just disgusting.

682
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:47,780
And then when he'd get drunk, he'd get pretty boisterous about what a great person

683
00:45:47,860 --> 00:45:51,700
she is. And she's so beautiful and wonderful and everything is

684
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:55,540
perfect about her. It was just so like the things he would say to.

685
00:45:56,480 --> 00:46:00,120
To me about her. There was a few nights that

686
00:46:00,620 --> 00:46:03,680
I got called her name in the bedroom.

687
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:08,320
That was painful. He'd say, I love you,

688
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,960
and it was not my name. And I would get

689
00:46:12,460 --> 00:46:15,080
up and I would go sleep in the basement. And the next day he'd be

690
00:46:15,580 --> 00:46:19,560
apologizing up and down. And it

691
00:46:20,060 --> 00:46:22,560
got bad. He should have left right away. I should have thrown him out right

692
00:46:23,060 --> 00:46:27,270
away. But I wanted. At that point, I wanted

693
00:46:27,770 --> 00:46:31,470
to save the marriage. But I think once

694
00:46:31,550 --> 00:46:32,510
this happens,

695
00:46:34,990 --> 00:46:37,310
I don't think the marriage can be saved. At that point.

696
00:46:38,430 --> 00:46:41,910
I think that that marriage is over. The marriage you knew

697
00:46:42,410 --> 00:46:45,950
was over. It's never gonna be the same. I lost respect for this man.

698
00:46:46,270 --> 00:46:49,630
I don't feel safe with him anymore. I mean, I was having

699
00:46:50,130 --> 00:46:53,040
panic attacks, anxiety attacks. Like, if his car.

700
00:46:53,280 --> 00:46:56,520
I would drive home from work, and I always drove past his office. If his

701
00:46:57,020 --> 00:46:59,720
car wasn't there, I'd have panic attacks and I'd call and text, and if he

702
00:47:00,220 --> 00:47:03,960
wasn't answering right away, it was. I mean, I lost 30

703
00:47:04,460 --> 00:47:07,360
pounds and about two months. I don't even think it took me two months,

704
00:47:07,860 --> 00:47:11,160
but I dropped and 30 pounds instantly because I

705
00:47:11,660 --> 00:47:15,680
couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't. It was horrible.

706
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:21,050
It's. It's a horrible thing to put someone through. When you think that,

707
00:47:21,550 --> 00:47:25,290
you know, you're with the love of your life and then they put you

708
00:47:25,790 --> 00:47:28,090
through that. You see them in a different light when you come out the other

709
00:47:28,590 --> 00:47:31,530
side. For sure. That's. That's not how love should be.

710
00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:34,490
That's not. That's not love.

711
00:47:35,450 --> 00:47:38,810
And I don't think he knows what real love

712
00:47:39,310 --> 00:47:42,410
is. And I don't think he ever will know what real love is.

713
00:47:43,460 --> 00:47:51,460
He's chasing dreams and he's chasing fantasies, and he'll

714
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:55,380
never be happy. The stories I've heard from friends

715
00:47:55,880 --> 00:48:00,260
after everything came out that he has cheated.

716
00:48:00,500 --> 00:48:05,060
This was not the first time that he cheated. There have been prostitutes.

717
00:48:05,620 --> 00:48:09,300
There have been girls in my basement that he would invite over

718
00:48:09,800 --> 00:48:13,100
when I was sleeping. There have been strippers.

719
00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:17,060
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait you found out

720
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:20,860
that while you were asleep upstairs. Your husband was

721
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:23,660
entertaining girls in your basement. Yes.

722
00:48:24,540 --> 00:48:26,939
Yes. And I remember.

723
00:48:28,540 --> 00:48:32,780
Or I, I don't know. But I

724
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:36,550
did have someone tell me that he was

725
00:48:39,590 --> 00:48:43,590
having relations with a woman in my basement while I was sleeping upstairs.

726
00:48:44,790 --> 00:48:47,990
Oh, my God. Yeah. And I remember one night that

727
00:48:48,490 --> 00:48:50,830
I heard. I thought I heard a woman's voice in the basement when I went

728
00:48:51,330 --> 00:48:55,110
down there. Oh, it was the tv. So, I mean, I gotta,

729
00:48:55,610 --> 00:48:59,270
I mean, I gotta think she must have. Down in the basement somewhere. Was that

730
00:48:59,770 --> 00:49:03,190
his man cave? Yeah, kind of thing. And there was an exit to the garage.

731
00:49:03,690 --> 00:49:06,000
So that he could sneak him in and out, you know, without me knowing.

732
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:09,600
Is it true? At this point, I,

733
00:49:10,100 --> 00:49:13,080
I, I believe it. Because the person that told me it didn't have anything to

734
00:49:13,580 --> 00:49:17,040
gain. And I don't think he was lying to me. But he wasn't the

735
00:49:17,540 --> 00:49:21,080
only person to come and tell me stories of, you know,

736
00:49:21,580 --> 00:49:24,240
he, he was with this person or that person he propositioned.

737
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:30,000
So he definitely was,

738
00:49:30,410 --> 00:49:35,330
was. This was not the first time that he was cheating

739
00:49:35,830 --> 00:49:39,170
on me. And of course, he denies it. I, I mean, when I

740
00:49:39,670 --> 00:49:41,810
would find this stuff out, I would confront him on it and be like.

741
00:49:42,310 --> 00:49:45,770
So you did this? You cheated here? I never did that. I never touched that

742
00:49:46,270 --> 00:49:49,450
person. And he was not picky about who he was cheating with.

743
00:49:49,930 --> 00:49:53,850
I mean, it was, it's like a. He was

744
00:49:54,350 --> 00:49:57,950
a way for a trip

745
00:49:58,450 --> 00:50:01,750
with friends. And the one friend that told me about the girl in the basement

746
00:50:02,250 --> 00:50:05,430
said that he had. That Bob had gotten off the elevator with two women in

747
00:50:05,930 --> 00:50:09,190
tow. And my friend said, where you going? Back to my

748
00:50:09,690 --> 00:50:12,950
room. And there he goes with the two women in tow.

749
00:50:13,510 --> 00:50:17,110
And there's more stories that I've heard. They're all

750
00:50:17,610 --> 00:50:20,790
the same. They're all the same. So that also.

751
00:50:20,950 --> 00:50:24,150
You know what? I am so glad you got disconnected from

752
00:50:24,650 --> 00:50:28,360
that relationship. Because really, Jeanie, I mean, you are beautiful and

753
00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:31,720
smart and amazing. And I mean,

754
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:35,480
you're like a 12 on a scale of 1 to 10. And so

755
00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:38,920
there should be a guy out there that you know will be awesome. That you

756
00:50:39,420 --> 00:50:41,760
can end up with. You know, if you're willing to. If you want to end

757
00:50:42,260 --> 00:50:45,760
up somebody. But seriously, I mean. Yeah. You're obviously

758
00:50:46,260 --> 00:50:49,360
way out of his league, you know. Well, yeah.

759
00:50:49,860 --> 00:50:53,560
And I mean, I never felt like that with him. But now looking back

760
00:50:54,060 --> 00:50:57,440
in the marriage, I should have, I should have never married him.

761
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:01,600
I'm glad I did. I mean, we, we had a good life.

762
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,960
We had, I thought we had a good life. I Mean, I have

763
00:51:06,460 --> 00:51:09,000
good memories and I'm not gonna lie. Well, yeah. You were fed as well,

764
00:51:09,500 --> 00:51:12,720
the story. Yeah, yeah. I mean he fed me a great story, but I mean

765
00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:15,760
we had a good time. He was like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

766
00:51:16,260 --> 00:51:19,480
Absolutely. We went on lots of. We went on some very nice

767
00:51:19,980 --> 00:51:23,290
trips through his company, through his work. I met some good people.

768
00:51:24,170 --> 00:51:30,250
Unfortunately, I lost a lot of friends after the marriage ended because they

769
00:51:30,750 --> 00:51:34,290
all went with him. Because why, I don't know. But I don't think those are

770
00:51:34,790 --> 00:51:38,530
real friends in the first place because I surely

771
00:51:39,030 --> 00:51:42,690
did not deserve what happened. And for them to abandon me

772
00:51:43,190 --> 00:51:46,520
also, that was a hard thing to swallow. But the people that meant to

773
00:51:46,750 --> 00:51:49,990
something to me, and I know our true friends, they stay. So you

774
00:51:50,490 --> 00:51:52,790
find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this for

775
00:51:53,290 --> 00:51:57,350
sure and. But you, you gotta

776
00:51:57,850 --> 00:52:01,230
really, you know, the best thing you can do is detach

777
00:52:01,710 --> 00:52:05,150
and move on. You know, maybe they catch up to you someday,

778
00:52:05,650 --> 00:52:08,910
maybe they don't, you know, but if they do, you're gonna

779
00:52:09,410 --> 00:52:12,030
be in a completely different place in your life and you're gonna be able to

780
00:52:12,530 --> 00:52:15,820
look at it through. You're not looking at them through those

781
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:18,580
rose tinted glasses anymore. You see them for who they are.

782
00:52:19,460 --> 00:52:22,860
And I think that's the hardest pill for us to swallow

783
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:26,820
is that's truly who my ex husband is. He is

784
00:52:27,320 --> 00:52:30,620
not a good person. He never was a good person. He was a good

785
00:52:31,120 --> 00:52:34,820
actor. And it's

786
00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:37,140
a hard pill to swallow but man,

787
00:52:39,310 --> 00:52:42,790
I don't know, if I had to do it all over again, would I still

788
00:52:43,290 --> 00:52:46,510
choose the same partner? You know, I, I don't know. I was, I was young.

789
00:52:47,390 --> 00:52:50,590
I don't want to blame it on being young and naive,

790
00:52:51,090 --> 00:52:52,590
but you know, maybe I was younger.

791
00:52:54,190 --> 00:52:58,190
On one side hand you're, you know, you said you guys are best friends and

792
00:52:58,270 --> 00:53:01,070
you do still talk and you know,

793
00:53:01,710 --> 00:53:04,670
that's, you know, obviously you see the best in him.

794
00:53:05,230 --> 00:53:08,750
Yeah, I mean, I still think he's got a chance of.

795
00:53:09,710 --> 00:53:11,630
I don't know how he's gonna crawl out of the debt,

796
00:53:13,470 --> 00:53:16,270
but I mean I would never,

797
00:53:16,510 --> 00:53:19,630
never let him back into my life. But I still care about the man and

798
00:53:20,130 --> 00:53:22,870
if he needed someone to talk to, I would talk to him. But that's where

799
00:53:23,370 --> 00:53:26,750
it would end. I would never let him back in my life because I will

800
00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:30,510
never let another man treat me like that again. No one deserves

801
00:53:31,010 --> 00:53:35,360
to be treated that way. It no one. There's no excuse for making

802
00:53:35,860 --> 00:53:39,480
that choice. To try to destroy someone Over.

803
00:53:39,720 --> 00:53:42,840
I mean, why not get the divorce

804
00:53:43,340 --> 00:53:46,640
and then go date your. Your affair partner? Why have the affair? Why do all

805
00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:50,440
that? Why? Why? We'll never know the answers to those things. Only they

806
00:53:50,940 --> 00:53:54,080
know the answer. But those are the questions that, you know, keep us up at

807
00:53:54,580 --> 00:53:57,360
night and we're like, well, why. Why did they do this to me? Wasn't I

808
00:53:57,860 --> 00:54:01,300
enough? No, it's not about us at all. We are enough. And that's

809
00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:05,460
what matters. Well, his. That. The. A lot of

810
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:09,100
that behavior when he moved out and the things he said, those were

811
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:13,060
straight. Page four and page seven of the MLC handbook,

812
00:54:13,300 --> 00:54:16,380
you know, so, you know, they can't.

813
00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:18,780
They are so excited to get out of the house and start their new life

814
00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:22,420
and that immediate thing of going online and being in love and,

815
00:54:23,060 --> 00:54:26,140
you know, the faster they erase the past, the better for them.

816
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:29,770
You know what I mean? It's. That's so typical. So, yeah,

817
00:54:30,270 --> 00:54:33,610
it's just so typical. It just doesn't make sense at all. Okay. Hey, you mentioned

818
00:54:34,110 --> 00:54:37,770
something and. And I wondered if you realize now your

819
00:54:38,270 --> 00:54:41,930
intuition. At one point early on. Oh, before you guys got married,

820
00:54:42,430 --> 00:54:45,850
it was something that happened and you had that intuition feeling. Oh,

821
00:54:46,170 --> 00:54:49,290
the computer. Yeah. Do you find

822
00:54:49,370 --> 00:54:52,650
that you listen to your. Your inner voice,

823
00:54:52,730 --> 00:54:54,890
your little quiet voice, your intuition more.

824
00:54:55,870 --> 00:54:59,470
That's funny because. So I started

825
00:54:59,970 --> 00:55:03,390
dating the summer after my husband left me. So before

826
00:55:03,890 --> 00:55:04,910
the divorce and.

827
00:55:06,510 --> 00:55:09,870
Yes. Yeah. So I was still married,

828
00:55:10,350 --> 00:55:13,750
but I met this guy,

829
00:55:14,250 --> 00:55:17,870
and he had a motorcycle, and I'd never been on motorcycles before,

830
00:55:18,370 --> 00:55:21,870
so I was like, okay. And it just kind of happened really fast.

831
00:55:22,370 --> 00:55:26,450
The guy, he came in and he love bombed me, and it was just like,

832
00:55:26,850 --> 00:55:30,530
all this attention, and he, like, totally just

833
00:55:32,130 --> 00:55:35,610
was trying to tie me down right away. And my.

834
00:55:36,110 --> 00:55:39,410
My guts were screaming at me from day one, and I ignored them.

835
00:55:39,890 --> 00:55:43,810
You think after going through everything you went through, you. You wouldn't ignore them?

836
00:55:44,310 --> 00:55:47,290
And I ignored them, and I kept pushing those down because I just was like,

837
00:55:47,790 --> 00:55:50,970
well, I want someone in my life. I want to have someone to hang out

838
00:55:51,470 --> 00:55:54,660
with and do things with, and I want to feel connection again. So I

839
00:55:55,160 --> 00:55:59,260
pushed all of these gut instincts down for so

840
00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:03,100
long, and I just. So I started dating this guy,

841
00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:07,500
and it was not a good. It started out

842
00:56:07,900 --> 00:56:11,020
like I said, with the love bombing and tons of every

843
00:56:11,520 --> 00:56:13,180
road flight you could possibly think of. My God.

844
00:56:14,540 --> 00:56:17,180
And we dated for a few years,

845
00:56:17,900 --> 00:56:21,520
and that's over now. But I will say that

846
00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:25,240
at least I learned something more from that relationship. And I gained

847
00:56:25,740 --> 00:56:29,600
some wonderful friends. I've met A lot of people in my age group,

848
00:56:30,960 --> 00:56:34,000
I'm in my 50s and I've

849
00:56:34,240 --> 00:56:38,240
talked to so many people over the last three years about things that

850
00:56:38,740 --> 00:56:41,920
they've been through and you find a lot of similarities.

851
00:56:42,240 --> 00:56:46,190
Unfortunately, in this age group of kind

852
00:56:46,690 --> 00:56:50,150
of been through similar situations, a lot of my friends have been

853
00:56:50,650 --> 00:56:54,070
through, you know, cheating husbands, cheating wives

854
00:56:54,550 --> 00:56:58,990
and worse. So you

855
00:56:59,490 --> 00:57:02,830
find your group, you find your troop, and those are the people that you

856
00:57:03,330 --> 00:57:05,830
know, you're going to have friendships with for the rest of your life.

857
00:57:06,950 --> 00:57:10,310
But going forward, yeah, my gut instincts,

858
00:57:10,810 --> 00:57:14,520
I, I will never, never, never stifle

859
00:57:15,020 --> 00:57:18,480
my instincts again. When that inner voice starts peeking up, you got to listen

860
00:57:18,980 --> 00:57:22,600
to it because that means something is wrong. And I don't know if it's God

861
00:57:23,100 --> 00:57:26,480
talking to you or the universe, but it's there, it's there for a reason.

862
00:57:26,980 --> 00:57:30,600
Because something, something inside of you is putting up that defense mechanism

863
00:57:31,100 --> 00:57:35,360
that something is wrong and you need to address it. I addressed numerous

864
00:57:35,860 --> 00:57:39,670
things with the gentleman I was dating, but it never went

865
00:57:40,170 --> 00:57:44,030
anywhere. He, I think he had some narcissistic tendencies, very selfish,

866
00:57:44,530 --> 00:57:47,710
self centered guy. He was nice enough

867
00:57:48,210 --> 00:57:51,750
to everyone else and he wasn't a horrible person,

868
00:57:52,250 --> 00:57:55,390
but he just, it was not a good fit for us. So.

869
00:57:56,350 --> 00:57:59,590
Another learning experience. I'm done with Learning experiences

870
00:58:00,090 --> 00:58:03,190
at 55, please. To the universe, please.

871
00:58:03,690 --> 00:58:07,070
I'm done. But I, but I have just recently

872
00:58:07,570 --> 00:58:10,190
started dating another wonderful man.

873
00:58:10,670 --> 00:58:15,230
It's very new, it's only been about four weeks and

874
00:58:15,730 --> 00:58:17,550
he is a complete gentleman.

875
00:58:18,830 --> 00:58:20,670
He's very handsome, I must say.

876
00:58:22,590 --> 00:58:25,750
So we're just going to take things

877
00:58:26,250 --> 00:58:30,030
very slow and get to know each other and see where it goes and who

878
00:58:30,530 --> 00:58:33,410
knows, who knows what the future holds.

879
00:58:34,370 --> 00:58:38,450
But I think everyone needs to keep going

880
00:58:38,530 --> 00:58:42,530
forward and fake it till you make it. And there's

881
00:58:43,030 --> 00:58:46,170
life after mlc. There's life after divorce.

882
00:58:46,670 --> 00:58:49,970
There's life after this horrible journey that we've been on.

883
00:58:50,850 --> 00:58:54,610
It's hard to get there and it takes time. But you

884
00:58:55,110 --> 00:58:58,250
gotta really fake it till you make it, I guess is the best way I

885
00:58:58,750 --> 00:59:02,780
can say. Because you can be happy again and

886
00:59:03,280 --> 00:59:06,140
you've really got to, you got to dig deep and you got to explore the

887
00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:08,860
marriage for what it was. Take off the rose colored glasses.

888
00:59:09,820 --> 00:59:13,660
I know it's hard to hear when you're first in it because you

889
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:16,860
want them back so bad. You want that marriage back. But you've got to grieve.

890
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,060
The marriage is over and you got to let it go and you got to

891
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:22,820
grieve. There are success

892
00:59:23,320 --> 00:59:26,520
stories out there. They're few and far. Um, I mean, I'm not

893
00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:30,480
against reconciliation, but I know it's not for me, and it took me

894
00:59:30,980 --> 00:59:33,400
a long time to come to that realization too.

895
00:59:34,200 --> 00:59:38,080
So it's. Life is quite a freaking journey,

896
00:59:38,580 --> 00:59:40,760
isn't it? Mm.

897
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:45,880
Wow. Okay, let me just check my notes. Oh, you too.

898
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:52,570
Oh, what did your. Did you have.

899
00:59:52,730 --> 00:59:56,890
Was. Did you have a hard time finding folks that understood your situation?

900
00:59:58,170 --> 01:00:01,850
Like what you guys were going through with. With counselors,

901
01:00:02,350 --> 01:00:04,970
with therapists, or. No, with your friend.

902
01:00:05,850 --> 01:00:09,330
Friends. When you would describe his behavior with

903
01:00:09,830 --> 01:00:13,450
the mlc, I guess yours. The vanisher. So maybe, you know.

904
01:00:14,090 --> 01:00:17,880
No, because when I would talk to friends, friends that knew

905
01:00:18,380 --> 01:00:21,920
us, they would all tell me, well, I talked to him, and Bob

906
01:00:22,420 --> 01:00:25,520
seems just fine. He seems like himself. He put on a mask for everyone.

907
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:30,440
He was very much about maintaining his image. I'm not sure

908
01:00:30,940 --> 01:00:34,760
what. I haven't. No one's ever come to me and said, oh, he said

909
01:00:35,260 --> 01:00:39,120
you were. Blah, blah, blah. The only thing that he told me when he left

910
01:00:39,620 --> 01:00:42,720
the marriage was, you're boring. I want a different life.

911
01:00:42,930 --> 01:00:45,930
And I'm like, we've been together 23 years. You know,

912
01:00:46,430 --> 01:00:49,570
what are we supposed to do? Go partying every night? I mean, he wanted to

913
01:00:50,070 --> 01:00:52,850
go out drinking and partying all the time. I'm like, we're old. We're in our

914
01:00:53,350 --> 01:00:56,930
50s. Like, let's go to dinner. How about that? You know? But he

915
01:00:57,430 --> 01:01:00,610
wanted this exciting life that the affair was bringing in, and that was his.

916
01:01:01,110 --> 01:01:04,530
One of his excuses. You're boring. But after he left,

917
01:01:05,650 --> 01:01:08,610
he did everything he could to maintain his image.

918
01:01:10,930 --> 01:01:14,130
He had a very successful job when he left,

919
01:01:14,690 --> 01:01:16,770
and the money, I think,

920
01:01:17,330 --> 01:01:20,730
helped the affair because I think everything went

921
01:01:21,230 --> 01:01:24,810
to his head, and he felt like he was untouchable because he was making such

922
01:01:25,310 --> 01:01:28,890
good money. But since that now his

923
01:01:29,390 --> 01:01:32,210
pay has got cut in half, and now he's hurting for money. So that sure

924
01:01:32,710 --> 01:01:36,520
came full circle for him. But a

925
01:01:37,020 --> 01:01:39,840
lot of people, just When I would talk to him, they'd be like, we don't

926
01:01:40,340 --> 01:01:43,680
know what he's thinking. I mean, they see her and they're like, she. She's disgusting.

927
01:01:44,180 --> 01:01:46,480
What is he thinking? He left you for her. And I'm like,

928
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:49,280
hence the name Skankalicious. I don't.

929
01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:54,240
She's not a nice person, and people don't like her. So,

930
01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:58,320
yeah, I also. A little up there down, I guess.

931
01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:02,310
Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of people were kind of shocked that that's

932
01:02:02,810 --> 01:02:05,990
what he chose to leave me for and give up his life for A lot

933
01:02:06,490 --> 01:02:09,390
of people, you know, we, we. We had. A lot of people thought we had

934
01:02:09,890 --> 01:02:13,430
a good life. So there was some shock in, in friends, in our

935
01:02:13,930 --> 01:02:17,590
friends. Um, there are some of our friends that now he's in debt.

936
01:02:17,990 --> 01:02:21,750
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's. Karma. Karma is starting

937
01:02:22,250 --> 01:02:24,790
to rear its ugly head for him. Um,

938
01:02:25,670 --> 01:02:28,750
and I'd like to say I, I feel sorry for him, but these

939
01:02:29,250 --> 01:02:32,270
are all things that I told him were going to happen when he left.

940
01:02:32,590 --> 01:02:36,550
Like, you know, I tried to rationalize and

941
01:02:37,050 --> 01:02:41,110
warn. Yeah. And there's no, there's no rationalizing with them. They're so. They're so

942
01:02:41,610 --> 01:02:45,390
in love at that point that life is beautiful for them and

943
01:02:45,630 --> 01:02:48,990
nothing bad's ever gonna happen because they're with their true love.

944
01:02:50,910 --> 01:02:53,630
Oh, soulmate, actually. Yeah.

945
01:02:54,510 --> 01:02:58,280
Teenagers in heat. Soul. So. So, Janie,

946
01:02:58,780 --> 01:03:02,520
do you feel like. So tell us about some things you've. That have you've noticed

947
01:03:03,020 --> 01:03:05,160
now about yourself. It's been a few years. Do you feel like you're. There's a

948
01:03:05,660 --> 01:03:08,720
stronger you now or, you know, do you have new hobbies,

949
01:03:09,220 --> 01:03:12,360
interests, pass chasing new passions and dreams?

950
01:03:12,920 --> 01:03:16,360
Well, at the time that he. When he left me,

951
01:03:16,860 --> 01:03:19,520
I was unemployed and I had come. I had just come to the end of

952
01:03:20,020 --> 01:03:23,860
a pretty good career that I had, and I

953
01:03:24,360 --> 01:03:27,620
was able to take a job with a

954
01:03:28,120 --> 01:03:30,860
company that allows me to work from home. And I love it.

955
01:03:31,340 --> 01:03:33,740
It's given me so much freedom in my life.

956
01:03:34,620 --> 01:03:38,339
I've become obsessed with fitness and lifting weights,

957
01:03:38,839 --> 01:03:41,740
and I'm in the best shape of my life. Call it a revenge body,

958
01:03:42,240 --> 01:03:44,780
call it what you want, but my God, I haven't looked this good since I

959
01:03:45,280 --> 01:03:48,720
was 21 years old, minus the wrinkles. But wait,

960
01:03:49,220 --> 01:03:52,920
does it have something to do with your job? Well, because I work from home,

961
01:03:53,420 --> 01:03:56,960
it gives me time to. I don't have that

962
01:03:57,200 --> 01:04:00,800
workout. Yeah. So I. It just. It just

963
01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:04,279
feels like I have so much because I punch in, I punch out. I'm.

964
01:04:04,779 --> 01:04:07,440
More time for you. Yeah, so I've got more time for me.

965
01:04:07,760 --> 01:04:11,440
And so I get. I get workouts in every day

966
01:04:11,940 --> 01:04:15,610
and eating healthy and planning my meals, and I've

967
01:04:16,110 --> 01:04:20,330
really come to enjoy my space and making the

968
01:04:20,830 --> 01:04:24,450
house my own. I've thought about selling it because

969
01:04:24,770 --> 01:04:28,410
at first it held too many memories and I haven't really changed

970
01:04:28,910 --> 01:04:32,210
it that much, but it's mine now. It's my house and

971
01:04:33,490 --> 01:04:36,770
I like it. And who knows what the future holds? I don't know where

972
01:04:37,270 --> 01:04:39,530
I'm going to be, so for now, I'm going to stay right here. And enjoy

973
01:04:40,030 --> 01:04:42,700
my space and just continue living.

974
01:04:43,340 --> 01:04:48,940
As far as me, I think I'm. I think that

975
01:04:49,900 --> 01:04:53,900
I'm finally starting to become this positive

976
01:04:53,980 --> 01:04:57,860
person, and I feel

977
01:04:58,360 --> 01:05:02,700
more upbeat and positive and happy. And I remember

978
01:05:03,200 --> 01:05:06,660
in the marriage, I hated my job and I hated the commute

979
01:05:07,160 --> 01:05:10,100
to work and. And when I look at myself,

980
01:05:10,600 --> 01:05:13,380
you know, there's a lot of things that I was unhappy about, but I stuffed

981
01:05:13,880 --> 01:05:17,540
it all down. I don't stuff stuff down anymore. Something bothers me, I speak

982
01:05:18,040 --> 01:05:22,100
up. I'm not afraid to tell somebody that

983
01:05:22,340 --> 01:05:26,740
what I need from them, you know, if that

984
01:05:27,240 --> 01:05:30,740
conversation arises. I find myself being pretty blatantly

985
01:05:31,240 --> 01:05:34,810
honest with people now, whether they like it or not.

986
01:05:35,310 --> 01:05:38,290
But yeah, and it feels good. It's freeing.

987
01:05:39,010 --> 01:05:40,930
Very freeing when you can finally.

988
01:05:42,770 --> 01:05:46,450
You don't have to. Oh, how can I say

989
01:05:46,950 --> 01:05:50,330
this? There are so many things I buried to protect my

990
01:05:50,830 --> 01:05:54,410
husband's reputation, and I don't have that

991
01:05:54,910 --> 01:05:59,700
for anyone anymore. I feel a freedom in

992
01:06:00,200 --> 01:06:03,660
my life now, and I feel light. I feel like there's this weight that just

993
01:06:04,160 --> 01:06:08,060
gone out of me. Letting go of the ex husband,

994
01:06:08,380 --> 01:06:12,140
letting go of the past. It just lightens

995
01:06:12,640 --> 01:06:16,620
you in a way that I can't explain. But I've. I've felt

996
01:06:17,660 --> 01:06:21,660
this has really started within the last probably three months where I've

997
01:06:22,160 --> 01:06:25,940
really gotten to the point of this feeling of just feeling so light and unburdened

998
01:06:26,440 --> 01:06:29,900
by everything that has happened. And I actually,

999
01:06:30,140 --> 01:06:32,460
on one of the conversations I had with Bob,

1000
01:06:33,260 --> 01:06:36,580
I did tell him, I said, you know, I actually forgive

1001
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:40,700
you. I'm in a really good place and I forgive you. And he, of course,

1002
01:06:41,200 --> 01:06:43,740
thought I was forgiving him for him. I was doing it for me.

1003
01:06:44,380 --> 01:06:48,180
And I think the act of seeing that damn was like, that stepping

1004
01:06:48,680 --> 01:06:53,190
point of like, total release of the past and

1005
01:06:54,710 --> 01:06:58,350
such a freeing feeling when you can finally go, I want

1006
01:06:58,850 --> 01:07:02,150
to be okay without him. I'm going to be just fine.

1007
01:07:03,190 --> 01:07:06,070
And my life's going to keep going, and it's. I'm going to make it what

1008
01:07:06,570 --> 01:07:10,070
I want to be determined at this point. But we'll see.

1009
01:07:11,830 --> 01:07:14,710
And our lives are always to be determined. Married, single,

1010
01:07:14,870 --> 01:07:18,910
divorce, whatever, you know, and so

1011
01:07:19,410 --> 01:07:23,070
you've really set a lot of little gemstones there. And so any

1012
01:07:23,570 --> 01:07:26,590
other final words of wisdom for somebody new that's going through this in the beginning,

1013
01:07:27,090 --> 01:07:30,190
I mean, to see that where you are now. And I remember being.

1014
01:07:30,270 --> 01:07:33,709
Knowing you through group counseling

1015
01:07:34,209 --> 01:07:38,430
and stuff, when it was you were not at the point

1016
01:07:38,590 --> 01:07:40,990
you are now. Myself too. Yeah.

1017
01:07:42,270 --> 01:07:46,030
When you're first, it's so hard to see the light through the forest.

1018
01:07:46,530 --> 01:07:48,990
And it's gonna. It's a journey. It's a long journey.

1019
01:07:50,480 --> 01:07:53,920
Get in counseling, talk to friends,

1020
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:58,600
try to. I mean, I can remember the

1021
01:07:59,100 --> 01:08:02,920
days calling my sister, having anxiety attacks. I mean,

1022
01:08:03,420 --> 01:08:07,280
I was on some anxiety medication for a little while, and that

1023
01:08:07,780 --> 01:08:11,240
helped me when it got really bad. I know how hard it can

1024
01:08:11,740 --> 01:08:15,200
be, but reach out to people in the group because someone's going to be

1025
01:08:15,700 --> 01:08:18,660
in there to. To catch you and help you through it. So there's moments where

1026
01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:21,260
you feel like you're not going to make it. You're going to make it.

1027
01:08:22,860 --> 01:08:26,060
If it's a minute at a time, an hour at a time,

1028
01:08:26,860 --> 01:08:30,420
a day at a time, you'll get there. It's a

1029
01:08:30,920 --> 01:08:33,900
journey. But I did a lot of reading.

1030
01:08:34,300 --> 01:08:35,820
I did a lot of meditation.

1031
01:08:37,260 --> 01:08:40,660
I can't. The therapist. It takes a while to find a good

1032
01:08:41,160 --> 01:08:43,340
therapist. When you find a good one, they are a godsend.

1033
01:08:44,430 --> 01:08:49,550
But being in the group and reading the stories and trying

1034
01:08:49,710 --> 01:08:53,790
as hard as you can to detach, you know, not accepting those breadcrumbs.

1035
01:08:54,510 --> 01:08:57,550
I know. You know, we talk about no contact a lot,

1036
01:08:57,870 --> 01:09:01,550
and sometimes that's possible, sometimes it's not. If you have children.

1037
01:09:02,050 --> 01:09:05,430
I don't know how I would have done this if we would

1038
01:09:05,930 --> 01:09:10,660
have had children together. So that, to me, is unbelievable.

1039
01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:14,820
I don't know how. How we can deal with that, but you just gotta

1040
01:09:15,320 --> 01:09:18,420
get up each day and keep going and remind yourself that you're worth it.

1041
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:22,540
This is. We have one life to live and we can't. I mean,

1042
01:09:23,040 --> 01:09:26,620
I spent a long time grieving the marriage and grieving the man

1043
01:09:27,120 --> 01:09:31,140
that I knew. But you know what? We have one life to live,

1044
01:09:31,380 --> 01:09:34,580
and we can't redo it. We can't change the past. The only thing

1045
01:09:35,080 --> 01:09:38,439
we can do is keep moving forward and find out what else

1046
01:09:38,939 --> 01:09:41,599
is out there for us. And there's good men out there.

1047
01:09:42,639 --> 01:09:46,479
There's a happy life somewhere out there. We gotta go find it. You gotta

1048
01:09:46,979 --> 01:09:49,839
make it happen. But you'll get through it. It takes time.

1049
01:09:50,639 --> 01:09:51,599
It takes time.

1050
01:09:54,319 --> 01:09:57,559
Yep. Okay. Well, that's. You know,

1051
01:09:58,059 --> 01:10:01,679
what I have to say. I'm glad Bob messed up there and got

1052
01:10:02,179 --> 01:10:05,439
a little sick because it really opened the door for you to.

1053
01:10:05,910 --> 01:10:08,870
To. To be let out of that cage so that you could, you know,

1054
01:10:09,370 --> 01:10:12,630
find a whole new future that I think is going to be a lot more

1055
01:10:12,870 --> 01:10:16,030
fulfilling than, you know, it's looking pretty.

1056
01:10:16,530 --> 01:10:20,270
Promising right now, so. Yeah. Yeah,

1057
01:10:20,770 --> 01:10:23,510
I'm excited about the future now. I never thought I would say that, but,

1058
01:10:24,070 --> 01:10:27,590
yeah, I'm excited about my end. Summer's almost here, so it's going to be

1059
01:10:28,090 --> 01:10:31,130
another summer of yes. And actually, you know what? I want to say that I,

1060
01:10:31,200 --> 01:10:34,200
I, I found myself. I did the same. Everything was yes,

1061
01:10:34,700 --> 01:10:38,000
yes, I'm doing, you know, no matter the season.

1062
01:10:38,640 --> 01:10:41,920
I live in a very yes mode now. And.

1063
01:10:42,800 --> 01:10:46,200
And I really embrace that, you know. Yeah, Yeah. I did

1064
01:10:46,700 --> 01:10:49,920
some crazy stuff that summer, but. And I didn't want to.

1065
01:10:50,080 --> 01:10:53,360
I wanted to stay curled up on my couch with my cats and watch tv,

1066
01:10:53,860 --> 01:10:58,210
and I did not. But I was like, my girlfriend became

1067
01:10:58,710 --> 01:11:01,690
my partner in crime that summer, and anytime she asked me to do something,

1068
01:11:01,770 --> 01:11:05,370
yes, that was my answer. It didn't matter if I was tired, if I

1069
01:11:05,870 --> 01:11:09,010
was sad, whatever. I put on my makeup and I looked fabulous and I went

1070
01:11:09,510 --> 01:11:12,930
out that door, and that's what started. I can

1071
01:11:13,430 --> 01:11:16,690
honestly say that's what started my healing journey.

1072
01:11:17,190 --> 01:11:20,850
Now. It was a bumpy road, and I made mistakes along the way, but we're

1073
01:11:21,350 --> 01:11:24,310
human. We're going to make mistakes. But, yeah,

1074
01:11:24,870 --> 01:11:26,710
try it. Try the summer of yes.

1075
01:11:28,950 --> 01:11:32,670
And you're still in that mode. Yeah, absolutely. What?

1076
01:11:33,170 --> 01:11:36,150
What? I'm definitely in the yes mode this year, too.

1077
01:11:36,470 --> 01:11:40,150
This summer is going to be fab. Good. Another summer of yes, I think.

1078
01:11:41,510 --> 01:11:43,110
But now I'm willing. Now I want.

1079
01:11:46,230 --> 01:11:49,590
Right. She doesn't have to drag you off the couch. The cats are like,

1080
01:11:50,090 --> 01:11:53,420
is, Is mom ever going to be home? That's going to be the summer.

1081
01:11:53,920 --> 01:11:57,220
Yep. Yep. For sure. Yeah. I mean, there's,

1082
01:11:57,380 --> 01:12:00,740
there's, there's. We're not the only ones

1083
01:12:01,240 --> 01:12:03,980
that there's so many, unfortunately, there's a lot of us that have all gone through

1084
01:12:04,480 --> 01:12:07,220
it. And meeting the people that I've met in the last three years,

1085
01:12:07,860 --> 01:12:10,860
I've met a lot of people that have been through this and,

1086
01:12:11,360 --> 01:12:15,260
and even things that are worse than my story. And those

1087
01:12:15,760 --> 01:12:18,750
are. That's your tribe. Those are the people that you're going to find your common

1088
01:12:19,250 --> 01:12:22,750
ground with. And you know what? They're going to be your true friends

1089
01:12:23,250 --> 01:12:26,430
going forward. They're going to be people you're taking life. Yeah. For the rest of

1090
01:12:26,930 --> 01:12:30,350
your life. Because. Yeah. When you find them, you know.

1091
01:12:32,190 --> 01:12:35,430
You know, you know when you found your tribe because you

1092
01:12:35,930 --> 01:12:37,830
start talking and then all of a sudden you realize you went through it,

1093
01:12:38,330 --> 01:12:41,550
too. And you went through it and. Oh, my God. It's. Unfortunately,

1094
01:12:42,920 --> 01:12:46,480
it's a lot more common than we think. And that's

1095
01:12:46,980 --> 01:12:49,760
sad. I don't know what's going on with the world today. But it's horrible.

1096
01:12:50,260 --> 01:12:53,640
But I mean, you got to find your happiness out

1097
01:12:54,140 --> 01:12:56,440
there. You got to let the past go. Yep.

1098
01:12:57,880 --> 01:13:01,720
And you know, it's been going on, I guess for centuries. We didn't realize

1099
01:13:02,220 --> 01:13:05,440
as much and still going on and it probably will for a long

1100
01:13:05,940 --> 01:13:09,710
time and at least we're proof that people can

1101
01:13:10,210 --> 01:13:13,190
get through it and thrive. Yes, absolutely.

1102
01:13:13,690 --> 01:13:17,150
Y there is life out there. All right, hang in there.

1103
01:13:17,650 --> 01:13:21,270
I'm going to sign us off. So yeah, all you viewers,

1104
01:13:21,770 --> 01:13:25,189
you heard, listeners, you heard what Janie said.

1105
01:13:25,689 --> 01:13:29,270
Just hang in there and have your summer of yes this year.

1106
01:13:29,590 --> 01:13:32,390
So thanks for joining us today.

1107
01:13:32,870 --> 01:13:36,890
And yeah, just think positive, follow your

1108
01:13:37,390 --> 01:13:39,210
intuition and have the summer of yes.

1109
01:13:58,010 --> 01:14:01,370
Thanks again you guys for tuning in to midlife crisis Bomb drop

1110
01:14:01,870 --> 01:14:05,210
and beyond. We have passed over a thousand downloads. We have hundreds

1111
01:14:05,710 --> 01:14:08,050
of subscribers, if not over a thousand or two thousand already.

1112
01:14:09,490 --> 01:14:12,930
And so you don't miss an episode, be sure to like or

1113
01:14:13,430 --> 01:14:16,850
subscribe. Um, so I just want to say thank you.

1114
01:14:16,930 --> 01:14:20,770
I'm how grateful I am for every single one of you that's listening

1115
01:14:21,270 --> 01:14:25,050
and that has taken the time to to be interviewed and appear on this show.

1116
01:14:25,550 --> 01:14:28,240
I have a waiting list of people I'm trying to get to. So hang in

1117
01:14:28,740 --> 01:14:32,280
there. We will get to you. I really appreciate it and

1118
01:14:32,780 --> 01:14:36,040
I'm so glad to hear that everybody is enjoying the show so much

1119
01:14:36,120 --> 01:14:38,840
and I know it provides a lot of support.

1120
01:14:39,880 --> 01:14:43,440
So thank you so much for that. And if you've been through a

1121
01:14:43,940 --> 01:14:47,280
midlife crisis or been impacted by someone else's and you want to share your

1122
01:14:47,780 --> 01:14:50,520
story, I'd love to hear from you. Please reach out to me.

1123
01:14:51,160 --> 01:14:54,870
Trina lairdmail.com you

1124
01:14:55,370 --> 01:15:00,430
can also find me on Facebook lcbombdrop or Instagram mlcbombdrop.

1125
01:15:00,590 --> 01:15:03,790
So reach out however you like. Your voice matters.

1126
01:15:03,870 --> 01:15:06,750
Your story could be the one that helps someone else feel seen,

1127
01:15:07,070 --> 01:15:10,589
heard and understood. Until next time,

1128
01:15:10,590 --> 01:15:12,990
take care and keep standing in your truth.

1129
01:15:23,490 --> 01:15:26,810
Hey, do you think maybe you're having a midlife crisis? Do you think

1130
01:15:27,310 --> 01:15:30,530
somebody close to you is having a midlife crisis? Well, check out the two

1131
01:15:31,030 --> 01:15:35,570
minute quiz at midlife crisis marriage advocate.com

1132
01:15:36,070 --> 01:15:39,290
go check it out. It's free. You can answer a few questions and you'll

1133
01:15:39,790 --> 01:15:43,090
give you a little insight. So again, it's midlife crisis

1134
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marriage advocate.com.